


Stars in the Sky

by Freyjabee



Series: Sleeping Sickness [3]
Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Crime, Drugs, Experimentation, F/F, F/M, Family, Love, Multi, mafia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-09-14 11:19:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 70,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16911927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freyjabee/pseuds/Freyjabee
Summary: Love. It made people better and it made people worse. Love. Love was a curse.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story will deal with addiction, mental illness and other sensitive topics. Reader discretion. There will also be multiple pairings.

_You don't just blurt love is a curse._

* * *

Love. What did it mean? Natsu loved his black converse shoes. He loved the way they gripped the road when he ran. He loved his leather jacket, too. He loved the thong of rope he had around his throat, the one that was wrapped up around a dog's canine. Macabre? Zeref told him when he was young that the tooth belonged to a dragon, and Natsu hadn't parted with it since, even after little Erik Cobra told him he watched Zeref knock it out of a roadkilled dog's head. It was special.

Love.

It made people better and it made people worse.

Love.

Love was a curse.

Love was a curse Natsu fell into blind and happy.

Love.

It was like the stars that shone in Lucy's eyes. He only caught sight of them for a second, then, with her arms wrapped around his throat, she tipped her head back and laughed. That laugh was carefree. Drunk. Sure. But _free._ Natsu kissed her throat, the only part he could easily reach. She pulled him down, down onto the snowy ground, clumsy, uncoordinated. He landed on top of her. The breath exploded from her lungs in a burst and stayed that way. She gasped, in and out with frantic gulps, and then she caught her breath again and laughed _more._

"Are you okay?" Natsu asked into her neck.

Lucy made a noise that wasn't exactly a yes and not quite a no. Natsu propped himself up on his elbows so he could see her better. Her cheeks were rosy, the wind kept nipping them. Her hands, too, were chapped. Too many times they'd slipped into the snow unprotected. The coat she wore was open and her shirt, a tank top not quite appropriate for mid-winter, was dusted with the cold white powder.

"Lucy?"

"Mmhm? I'm fine." Her hands snuck into his jacket and up inside his shirt. Her touch was bitterly cold. _Bitterly_. The kiss she gave him, though. That was something else. It tasted like her uncle's Disaronno. It was hot and it was humid and it made him push his hips into her. Lucy crooned.

"We should go back to my truck."

"You _can't_ drive."

"I don't want to _drive_." Natsu kissed her again and tried to impart his meaning. Lucy's croon elongated and sank into his bones. She got it. Natsu got to his knees and pulled her close. The skirt she wore was too short, it came up on her legs and there was only a small scrap of underwear and Natsu's pants separating them.

"Put your legs around me."

Lucy did. Natsu rocked backward and stood. Snow clung to his knees and the toes of his boots, in his hair and up his sleeves. Lucy brought some with her, too. Did she care? Natsu didn't think she thought about much of anything then.

There wasn't far to go, steps at most. It felt like forever, travelling from the front door of the house party he'd dragged Lucy to, to the truck. He couldn't move fast or sure enough, his feet got caught on rocks and lawn gnomes left out in the cold and a recycling bin that was full of empties and cigarette butts and foil. He sent the last flying to a symphony of Lucy's giggles.

Finally, his truck came out of a crowd of other parked vehicles. Natsu put Lucy's butt against the Dakota's body and opened the door with one hand. He thought it should be easier after that and released her. Lucy fell back into the car ungracefully, smacking her hand of the gearshift and her head off the console. She swore.

"Sorry."

Lucy never accepted his apology, not by traditional means. She grabbed the lapel of his coat and dragged Natsu inside. They didn't fit. He had to push up the center console and lie Lucy back down. There was a sugar packet that got stuck beneath her, and a bill for his phone, a loonie, too, that Natsu found when he lifted her behind to remove her underwear. He couldn't say why he put the last on her tongue, nor why Lucy let him. His head was too fuzzy for semantics. He kissed her, though, and liked the way the dollar tasted.

Lucy pushed him back so she could pull up her shirt. Her breasts came out, heavy and pink and spilling from Natsu's hands. He kissed them.

Someone giggled; it wasn't Lucy.

"Did you close the door?" Lucy murmured.

"No." He had not. Natsu reached back and grabbed the handle. The door _thunked_ closed. Lucy pulled at his jacket. He parted with it.

"This, too." She yanked his shirt. Natsu wrenched it over his head, then balled it up and shoved it beneath Lucy's so she'd be more comfortable. She kissed him again. And again and lifted her hips to rub over the front of his pants. Natsu rectified that, undoing his jeans with one hand while he reached into his glovebox with the other. The whole line of condoms came out and spilled on the ground. Lucy laughed; it wasn't a very _nice_ laugh. If Natsu was soberer, he 'd be more self-conscious but… As it was, he scrabbled in the dark because though it wasn't an ideal time for Zeref to be ringing in his head, he was there, telling Natsu _Protection. You have to use protection, idiot. You don't want to get some girl knocked up._

Natsu fumbled the package twice before he got it open, both times because he was distracted by the torrid look Lucy was giving him, the way her fingers snuck between her legs or plucked at the tips of her breasts. His success in getting the package opened was celebrated with a relieved grunt. The condom went on without much hassle and he pressed at her opening. Lucy touched his cheek and pulled him down for an open-mouthed kiss. Her hips tilted and suddenly, he was filling her up and she was moaning and he was grabbing her shoulders hard enough he was afraid he was hurting her. Lucy never asked him to stop. She locked her legs around his middle and dug nails painted the colour of sunsets into his shoulders. Natsu set a pace brutal enough that the truck's springs croaked in displeasure and Lucy's breath came in quick, frantic puffs that fogged the air.

He wasn't sure if she came or not by the time he did, filling the condom. He wasn't as attentive when he was drunk as he was when he was sober. Lucy acted like she didn't care. She put a kiss on his temple and one on his cheekbone. One on his lips. Then she slumped back and stared at the ceiling.

"What time is it?"

Natsu pressed the _Info_ button on the dash. "One."

"In the morning?"

"Yeah."

She groaned and drunkenly fished her phone off the floor. The screen lit up, showing seven missed calls. "My dad is going to _kill_ me. I told him I'd be home by eleven. And I'm drunk. _No_." The last was pure denial.

"Stay with me, then."

Lucy hugged her phone to her chest and looked at him. "Are you kidding right now?"

"Zeref won't care if you're drunk or not."

"My dad's going to kill me for staying out two hours later than what I said but just _imagine_ if I told him that I spent the night in an old movie shop."

"You're nineteen, you can do what you want." The more Natsu spoke, the surer he was that this could work. "And that old movie shop is an apartment now. There's even a stove." Like that was the qualifier. "Just text him or something."

"My dad doesn't text," Lucy said plainly.

"So call him."

"No."

"Do you want me to call him?" He never would have offered if he was sober, Jude Heartfilia was a monster in his own right.

"No," she repeated. Sitting up, she fixed her bra and her shirt and searched for her underwear. She found the scrap of clothing by the light of a car pulling into the driveway. Natsu looked out the back window and felt his heart sink.

"Hell."

"What?"

Natsu peeled the condom off and dropped it on the floor mat then did up the front of his pants. "Gildarts is here." He'd recognize that old cruiser anywhere, it's boxy frame and faded blue and white paint.

Lucy peeped out the rear window. "Shit."

Yeah.

"Do you think he's here for us?"

"Someone probably called in a noise complaint." Regardless, though, Gildarts was going to make a stop at the truck. Natsu sunk low in his seat, thinking maybe that would help. There was no saving it. Gildarts knew exactly where to look, he knew Natsu's truck off by heart, after all, it was parked in Gildarts' own driveway at least a couple times a week.

A flashlight tapped harshly on the window.

"Don't answer it," Lucy said foolishly.

Natsu ignored her ridiculous suggestion and, after putting the key in the ignition, he rolled the window down a few inches, exposing Gildarts' bearded face. It was hard to see his exact expression in the dark but Natsu imagined it to be annoyed. "Officer." He kept facing a little forward as he said it, so Gildarts wouldn't smell the alcohol on Natsu's breath.

Gildarts didn't dance. "Heartfilia's behind me. Came into the station in a tizzy about this party."

"He is?" Lucy got on her knees and searched the winding road for her father's car.

Natsu cranked on the truck's motor, intent on getting out of there. Gildarts reached in and turned it off. "I don't fucking think so."

"I need to get her—"

"You've been drinking and so has she. I'm not letting you drive out of here. Out of the car, both of you, and go wait by the cruiser."

Lucy was the first to mobilize, though she put her coat on inside out. She took the time out in the cold to fix it, and the cascading curls she'd spent hours weaving before setting out that night. She could fix herself all she liked, Natsu thought, she still looked like she got disheveled on the bench seat of a vintage Dakota. He liked it. Her father wasn't going to. Natsu found his jacket but not his shirt and thought that was good enough if he zipped it up. He got out and then took her hand and she allowed for it.

Gildarts looked at them both and shook his head.

"What?"

"Nothing." He gave Natsu his back and made his way toward the chaotic house, muttering about fools.

Jude Heartfilia drove a shiny black BMW with halogen bulbs, so Natsu knew exactly when he pulled onto the narrow city road. Lucy, too, knew, and put an inch of space between her and Natsu as seventeen-inch wheels crunched over an interlock driveway in suburban Magnolia. The car door opened and Jude got out. His black down-filled coat puffed up around his chin; his hands shook with anger.

"Lucy. I've been calling you."

Lucy lied succinctly, "My phone died."

Jude's glare could freeze a man in his tracks. It was his lawyer's glare, Natsu knew, the one he used in court when he had someone in his crosshairs. "Get in the car."

"Daddy—"

" _Get in the car, Lucy_. I won't tell you again."

She slunk away from Natsu like a scolded dog and folded herself into the warmth of the BMW. Jude waited until the door was closed before addressing Natsu.

"When I found out my daughter was seeing you, Mister Dragneel, I told myself it was a phase. There are plenty of men in law school, I told myself. _Intellectuals_ that will challenge her. Men worth her time. She's more stubborn than I gave her credit for, though, and won't let go of a bad thing, even when it's what's best for her. Because she can't recognize when to stop, I ask you to put an end to this."

Natsu repeated, "Put an end to it?"

"Stop calling. Stop dragging her out to these parties. Stop snooping around my home."

"I don't—"

"You _do._ It stops tonight. You're not to have anymore contact with my daughter," Jude said firmly. "She has a bright future ahead of her but you're holding her back."

"I love her," Natsu heard himself say. "I'm not just going to _stop_ seeing her because you say so."

Jude's mustache was thick and puffed out when he was displeased. "Is that your final stance?"

"Yeah. Of course it is."

Natsu expected more of a fight but Jude spun on his heel and got back into his BMW. The car spun out getting back onto the road. Natsu took in a deep breath of cold winter air and let it all out again. He felt heavier afterward.

In the house, the music was turned down when Gildarts ordered it. Natsu supposed he could have waited for him to come back out and drive him home but he wanted to walk. He got moving, leaving his truck where it was. He'd come back for it tomorrow.

Natsu was most of the way home when a huge lifted truck tore down the side street past a convenience store marked _Pinky's_. He knew before the truck stopped just fifty meters away that it was going to be trouble, though _how_ he knew, he couldn't say. Instinct or something.

Three doors opened and three men got out, all with their faces covered. One held a batt, one a pipe and one a weapon that Natsu couldn't clearly see but thought glinted like sharpened steel. His adrenaline spiked and his drunkenness fell to the wayside.

No words passed between them. In that eerie, dangerous silence, the batt came at him first with a wide swing that Natsu slipped beneath. Straightening, the pipe was there. He caught that just barely and his hands went numb. Natsu forced his fingers to flex around the piece of metal and tore at it. The wielder wouldn't give it up easy.

While Natsu struggled, the batt came down on his ribs. Pain flared. Natsu held his breath and jerked the pipe away from his attacker with speed and force. He hit the batt wielder on the backswing and caught the man holding the small, deadly weapon across the bridge of his nose. He went down clutching his face; cursing filled the air.

Natsu had no time to celebrate. His thigh was hit with the baseball batt and his leg gave out from under him. He was hit twice more, once in the stomach and once in the kidneys and was shoved to the ground.

"Hold him."

Hands closed on Natsu's shoulders. His wallet was yanked from his pocket and the necklace from around his neck and that was too far. Natsu rallied his strength and punched. It was limper than it should have been, and un-aimed. It still got Baseball Batt in the eye.

"Fucking pink haired faggot. I'm not going to just hurt you." Foul smelling spittle hit Natsu's cheek. "I'm going to kill you. Give me that." The man tore something away from his friend and Natsu finally got to see with clarity what the final weapon was—a blade long and thin. He struggled against the man holding him in place. His chest was sat upon and his hair was gripped and forced back. Natsu still punched and bucked.

"I told you to _hold_ him."

"I'm _trying_. I—"

Lights rounded the corner, throwing the whole scene into relief. Natsu's attackers swore again and hurried to rise. Natsu's fingers were mashed into the pavement by fleeing boots. He barely felt that pain, it was overshadowed by all the rest. Still. He rolled over on his side with every intention of getting up and—

"What the _fuck_." A car door slammed over the sound of tires peeling away. Boots crunched snow and knees hit the ground next to Natsu's chest; Gildarts' worried and furious face came into focus. "Are you okay? Where does it hurt?"

Everywhere. That wasn't the word Natsu spat out, though. "They're getting away. We have to—"

Gildarts pushed him back to the ground. " _Don't_ move." He pulled out his radio next and started chattering into it so fast, Natsu couldn't keep up. His head was spinning. He closed his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

I wanna love you but I want it too much.

* * *

Five-year-old Natsu caught a bad case of chicken pox from one of his classmates. The red lumps were _everywhere_. His nose, his neck, armpits, all over his back and his leg, even between his fingers and his toes. He scratched until they bled and then he cried. His mother had taped oven mitts on his hands to keep him from itching. It worked. It didn't make him feel better, though.

Zeref had already had chicken pox once so he couldn't catch it again but in an effort to make Natsu feel better, he found a red sharpie and drew all over his body using a mirror while their mother was at work. Natsu didn't _know_ at the time that the marks were fake and hadn't found out until years later, and Zeref's plan worked. There was comfort in knowing that he wasn't suffering alone. After that, up until about the time Natsu was thirteen, anytime Natsu got hurt, Zeref did, too. Cuts, bruises, broken fingers. It didn't _matter._ They were a united force.

Natsu was thrown back into those days when Zeref walked into the hospital room with a busted up nose. His first thought, however horrible, was _good. I'm not the only one._ It faded for concern. "What happened?"

Zeref touched the tape holding his nose in place very, very gently. "Nothing. How're your ribs?" Every word came out nasally.

"Fine. Did you do that to yourself?" Zeref had spent time in therapy for his little tick, their mother insisted. It'd been a long time since he'd had a relapse.

"No." His answer was short and concise, leaving Natsu to believe he was being truthful.

"Then someone did it to you? Was it the same people that got me? Why? Did you see who they were?"

Zeref pushed Natsu's shoulder, forcing him down onto the bed again when he tried to rise. "It's fine. Everything's fine."

"Then why the broken nose?"

Zeref parted with the canvas backpack he'd been carting and dropped his weight on the bed. Natsu was jostled and reminded that he had a bruised rib. Under all the morphine it panged dully. "I was just asking questions, alright? Probably in places I should have been asking them."

"What's that mean?"

Zeref looked at Natsu and accepted the stubborn look he wore. "It means Ultear saw some guy at Fairy Tail bragging about a wallet he stole, she texted me, and—" He lifted his hand to his face like it was self-explanatory.

"Does he look worse at least?"

Zeref shrugged noncommittally. Natsu was too distracted to be suspicious of his brother's taciturn nature; Zeref was usually keeping secrets.

"Was it the guy?"

"No. The wallet belonged to some scrawny kid."

Natsu dropped his head back to the hard block that the hospital called a pillow. "This is shit. If Gildarts hadn't shown up—"

"You would have kept fighting like an idiot and you'd probably be looking worse right now," Zeref said. "Or you'd be dead. _Or_ you would have done something you can't come back from. Now drop it."

"But—"

"Drop it." He changed topics almost too quickly for Natsu to follow. "I talked to your doctor. She said if I can get you out of here, I can take you home. Nothing's broken and you don't have a concussion. Your twelve hours of observation are up."

That was the kind of thing that distracted Natsu from his warpath. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. You just got to come back for a checkup in a couple of days. Get this looked at." Zeref tapped Natsu's bandaged hand, fractured from one of the times he punched his attackers.

"Sounds fucking eh to me."

Zeref went to a little vinyl-sided cubby across the room. Inside, Natsu saw someone, likely his nurse, had put his clothing in a bag. The only thing Zeref took out of it was Natsu's jacket. He threw it on the bottom of the bed and then went sorting through the backpack. He'd brought Natsu his favourite Led Zeppelin T-shirt, so old it was torn in spots and a pair of faded blue jeans.

With the clothes laid out, Zeref outstretched his hand. "Come on, I'll help you get dressed."

Natsu let himself get pulled into a sitting position. It hurt bad enough he felt nauseated afterwards and had to stay exactly as he was for a moment to catch his breath.

"Alright?" Zeref asked.

"Yeah."

"They gave me a prescription for you." Zeref took a bottle of pills from his pocket and rattled them. "If you need one, let me know."

"Mmhm. I'm good."

Zeref worked efficiently, untying the back of Natsu's hospital gown, pausing only to glower at the bruise Natsu's middle had become. Purple reached from his hip to his pectoral and from his belly button around his back almost to his spine.

Natsu tried to distract his brother from his building rage. "Isn't a hot nurse supposed to do this?"

"Your hot nurse is a two hundred and forty-pound dude that looks like he could pick you up and fold you in two. Unless you're into that, I'm the best you've got."

"That's not what she looked like last night." Last night she'd had a sour disposition but she'd been pretty enough, hair so blonde it was white, eyes a little mean but _blue_.

"No, it is not. Shift change." Zeref stretched the neck hole of Natsu's shirt and pulled it over his head. Natsu felt like he was small again. Zeref had done this for him more than once back then, and a few times into his adult life, too, though usually for different reasons. Too many beers or too much something else. Stupid shit.

"You're putting on your own pants," Zeref said.

Natsu wanted to crack a joke but his head felt empty and fuzzy on morphine. "Uh huh."

Zeref laid the pants out for him to step into and held his elbow for balance. Natsu couldn't bend over to pull them on, though, and Zeref took pity on him and pulled them up.

"You owe me."

"Yeah. Help me get my shoes on?"

Zeref knelt and worked with that eerie patience he was so capable of, shoving Natsu's foot into the leather work boot and then tying up the laces. He yanked them too tightly; some things never changed.

When he was ready, Zeref led the way out of the hospital room, moving much slower than usual so Natsu could keep up. People got out of their way and not many stared, preoccupied with their own reasons for visiting the hospital. At the reception desk, Natsu stood with his back against a large cylindrical pillar while Zeref spoke with the nurse behind the counter.

"Come on," Zeref said when he returned a moment later and brought Natsu into the parking lot. In true Zeref fashion, he'd left Natsu's truck parked by the front doors despite the _No Parking_ sign.

"Thanks for getting it."

Zeref pulled open the passenger's door and a sharp chemically smell wafted out. "Don't mention it. Ever, seriously. You left a dirty fucking condom on the floor. It was gross."

"'Least I used one?" Natsu tried.

Zeref didn't crack a smile. "You owe me for a pack of latex gloves and a can of Lysol."

That's what the smell was.

"And more. I haven't yet decided the monetary value of dealing with your hysterical girlfriend."

"What do you mean?"

"Lucy's been calling your phone nonstop. I only made the mistake of answering once." Zeref closed the door. Natsu sighed and put his head against the cool window.

* * *

The old movie store had been home for only a few months. When it closed to the public, the owner, one of Zeref's many eccentric friends, left the posters up and even the movie stands. The movies were sold, though Zeref had taken a couple of them for him and Natsu, and they moved in as soon as Zeref started paying rent.

There were no neighbours to bother, and the only concession the owner made was that the black curtains in the windows remained closed so that if anyone from the city came by, they couldn't see that a place not registered as commercial/residential was being used as such.

The apartment had everything Natsu thought it could need. There was a kitchen of sorts, with a sink. They'd squeezed a mini fridge inside the narrow space and an oven beside it, an old one with fuses in the top that Zeref had scrounged out of a dump a few years ago. They'd cleaned it, given it a new fuse, and the rest was history. There was a washroom—tiny, painted white and unwashed of the graffiti it'd accumulated in its previous life. Natsu liked it, though. It was something no one else had.

His bedroom, like Zeref's down the hall, was only large enough for a single mattress. He'd put red Christmas lights up around the ceiling and hung speakers in every corner and plastered his walls with band posters. It felt more like home than any other place he'd lived, despite the endless stream of Zeref's friends coming in and out of the apartment, filling their two threadbare couches, clouding the air with cigarette and marijuana smoke.

It wasn't one of Zeref's friends sitting out front when Zeref pulled the Dakota into the laneway that would lead into the parking lot around the back, it was Lucy. Her hair was still curled from last night, though limp now. Snowflakes had landed in those gold strands and melted. And like last night, her cheeks were red with cold.

She looked up when she heard the truck approaching and, upon identifying it, sat up straight and rubbed her mitted fingers beneath her nose.

Zeref stopped the truck in the middle of the laneway and handed Natsu his keys. "You get out here, I'll go park it."

"Thanks." Natsu took the keys from his brother and got out of the truck, moving disjointedly. Lucy was there before both feet were on the ground, wrapping her arms around his middle and pushing against him.

"Are you okay?"

He pushed her back just a little so she wasn't squishing him quite so much and so he could close the truck door. Zeref pulled away quickly, not even attempting to hide his annoyance with Lucy. She really must have been calling nonstop. That wasn't surprising, she worried about _everything_. Natsu said, "I'm alright."

"I tried coming to see you," she said, "But Zeref said you were drugged up and getting x-rays and my dad wouldn't drive me. I'm so angry with him right now. If he hadn't made me go with him, I could have walked home with you and this probably wouldn't have happened and—"

"It's okay."

She scowled. "It's _not._ I've been calling Gildarts and he says he as _no leads,_ you know? He's looking into the truck and that's it."

"They were wearing masks," Natsu said. "And I didn't recognize anyone's voice."

"I think he should be roughing up people in the streets or something," Lucy grumbled.

Zeref, with his broken nose and undamaged hands, came around the corner and opened the door. He left it that way even after entering and his meaning was clear enough. Natsu followed him inside with Lucy's help.

* * *

Morphine wore off slowly and when it did, Natsu, on Zeref's suggestion, tried to steer clear of the opioids if he could avoid it. People got addicted to those for less things than a bruised rib, fucked up their lives and ended up begging in the gutters. He smoked the joint Zeref came into his room to give him, feeling guilty under Lucy's watchful eye, but Zeref wouldn't take no for an answer. Zeref only left when it was completely done.

Natsu asked Lucy to turn off his overhead light and press _Play_ on his phone, shuffling through his music. She obliged and then came back to his bed to the tune of Alice Cooper's _Poison_. Maybe it was the pot that made it seem like she drifted along or maybe that was just Lucy's natural grace. _Whatever_ the case, she climbed onto his bed and put her head on his bicep and her leg between his.

"Is this okay?"

"It's good."

She put her fingers in his hair and brushed it back from his ear. "And that?"

"Feels really, really nice."

"It's 'cause you're high." She said it nonchalantly like she didn't care, though Natsu knew the truth, it made her uncomfortable. The pills would have been better, if only for the way they were obtained, legally at a doctor's behest.

"Sorry."

"You don't have to apologize."

That only made Natsu feel like he should do it _more._

Lucy's lips brushed Natsu's cheekbone, distracting him. Her voice dripped like honey. "Does it hurt still?"

"Not a lot."

"Then that's good." She put another kiss on his cheekbone and one on the corner of his mouth. Natsu stole a full kiss before she could move on. She tasted sweet, her tongue was wet. He tasted bitter, his own mouth dry. There was that great divide again, a gaping hole between them that they reached across sometimes but could never step over.

The thought ran through his head like water runs through sand, there in an instant and gone in a flash as Lucy's kiss deepened along with her breathing. Her fingers tightened on the hem of his shirt and Natsu felt himself falling down a long, dark hole that went on seemingly forever. He focused only on the movement of her chapped lips and the taste of the bubble gum she'd chewed earlier so he didn't get caught up in the blackness. Lucy helped in giving him a physical bond to this world, taking his hand and putting it on her body. It took Natsu a little while to figure out what to do but then he followed her ribs to the swell of her breast. She felt nice, soft yet firm. She _sighed._ Natsu found something else to focus on and thought it would be that forever.

Lucy changed his perception by kissing his neck. It was startling, the sudden change. Down. Down. She was sliding away. "Where are you going?"

Lucy shushed him. "Just relax."

Her suggestion was like a command; Natsu had to put his head back on his pillow. Closing his eyes cut him off from the world in a way he wasn't really prepared for. without sight, there was only auditory and physical sensation. He listened to Lucy's puffing breaths, he felt her fingers undo the button of his pants, he listened to his zipper come undone, he felt her cool hands wrap around his cock. He listened to her mouth come open and fell down another deep, dark hole, at the bottom of which was the best blowjob he could ever recall having.

"I don't think you can ever stop." Hearing his own voice was startling.

Lucy laughed. "I'll have to, eventually."

Natsu touched the back of her head and pulled her in close again. Her tongue cupped him from the base to the tip and back down. He was falling again when she disappeared. Something sweet-smelling landed beside his head. Another thing, too, this one had ropes or something to get tangled in his fingers. Natsu opened his eyes. Lucy's bra. Lucy's bra was in his fingers.

Weight shifted on the bed and then settled down around his hips. Natsu found Lucy. The red lights bounced off her hair and her skin and made her look ethereal. She was completely naked. He was almost completely clothed. Another contrast.

"Am I hurting you?"

He felt her weight on his bruised side and his rib hurt when she shifted. "No."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

Natsu heard his bedside drawer open and close, plastic rustling. Lucy rolled a condom on and followed on its tail, lifting her hips and taking him inside. Natsu held her legs loosely, one hand feeling everything, the other nothing but cast. All of that faded into the background for the sweet slide of Lucy's body and the sharp knock to his ribs, though she tried to be gentle.

Between his lashes, Natsu watched Lucy arch back, cast in that red light. Her breasts, large and heavy, were upheld by the arm she wrapped around her middle, and she spread between her legs with two fingers. She multitasked without faltering, lifting her hips and bringing them down, swirling over her clit and bringing herself to an orgasm skillfully. Like with everything he chose to focus on, Natsu felt that in hypersensitivity. Her body clenched around his faster than he could keep up with and he was suddenly wet. She kept going through her orgasm, which is what brought him into his own.

Lucy slowed and stopped and leaned forward to gift him a kiss. She was gone. He felt her get her bra and her shirt and turned to watch her get into her jeans. She said without meeting his eyes, "I go back to Clover today."

Her words settled around him. "You do?"

"Christmas break is over and school starts again on Monday."

"Yeah, but it's Saturday." Wasn't it?

"Yeah, but my dad doesn't want to drive me back on Sunday, he has to work Monday morning and it's a big case." Lucy handed him a Kleenex off the nightstand and he cleaned himself up, getting as far as reaching over his head and throwing the condom and the Kleenex into the garbage, and then he was in so much pain that he had to breathe shallowly.

Lucy recognized his stillness for what it was. "I knew we shouldn't have done that. I don't know why I listened to you."

Natsu ignored her. "When do you come back?"

"I don't know. In a couple of weeks?"

There had been music other than Natsu's blaring in the apartment. It abruptly cut out. Voices came to Natsu's ears. Hushed. There were people over. He hadn't realized, though he wasn't surprised. There was _always_ someone over.

Natsu picked Zeref's voice out over the din saying, "Yeah, she's here."

He knew even before his brother knocked on the door that there was someone here for Lucy. Lucy, too, seemed to know, she looked distraught. "I think I just heard my uncle."

"Your uncle?"

" _Yes_ ," she hissed.

"Why would he be here?"

"Because I left my house without telling anyone where I was going and I left my phone at home," she said. "My dad's probably got an armada out looking for me."

"Lucy."

She wouldn't meet his eyes. "I wanted to come see you."

"And your dad didn't want you to."

"So what?" Though she fumbled for her jacket, hurrying to get it on. Natsu got himself upright through a lot of rigmarole and even managed to answer his door when it was knocked on. Zeref waited on the other side and he didn't look happy. The air behind him was clouded with thick, rich smelling smoke. He looked past Natsu for Lucy and confirmed what Lucy already knew.

"Your uncle is here."

Lucy brushed past him and hurried into the main apartment. Natsu followed, slower.

Lucy's uncle said nothing but commanded all of the attention in the room, standing in the front doorway. Acnologia made an impressive visage, there in his black woolen pea coat, hands clutched together in front of his waist. Everything about him was well put-together, dark hair meticulously brushed back and gathered in a low horsetail, pants creased as if he walked out of a magazine ad. Natsu bet beneath the coat, he wore a suit jacket and tie, that's what kind of man he was. And just then, he was standing in a cloud of marijuana, burning a hole through Lucy with a look that came to him effortlessly.

Lucy didn't even say anything. She slipped on her winter boots and pushed open the commercial glass door, braving the winter world. The door closed again. Acnologia locked eyes with Natsu before he followed her and he didn't need to speak for his thoughts to be clear. Lucy didn't belong in this place. The worst part was, Natsu couldn't say that he was _wrong._ She came from a family of lawyers and—well, he couldn't remember what it was that Acnologia did, but _whatever_ it was, he didn't stand in clouds of cheap marijuana to do it.

A gust of cold air rushed into the apartment and Acnologia was gone. Zeref appeared at Natsu's elbow. Natsu expected a scolding—what if Lucy's uncle sent the cops their way? There were enough paraphernalia and illegal substances to get everyone in the apartment some time behind bars—but one never came. Zeref told Ultear, who was in the midst of a joke at Natsu's expense, to shut her mouth, and he told Natsu to sit down, putting him between Zeref and a girl Natsu didn't know, one with pink hair and a sunny laugh. The music came back on, bowls lighted up again. Someone ordered pizza. Natsu had a slice. Then he closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the couch and let the room whirl around him, _life_ whirl on around him.

It wound down. Nothing lasted forever. The apartment was almost empty when Zeref, gentler than Natsu expected, looked at him and delivered the scolding Natsu had been waiting for. "She'll always be Law School Lucy."

Zeref got up and took Meredy by the hand. She was linked with Ultear. Zeref tossed Natsu a quilt off one of the chairs, turned off the light, and then the three disappeared down the narrow hallway. Natsu remained where he was long after moans filled the air. He watched the reflection of the blue lights of snow ploughs going by outside and let that sting sink in.

She was always going to be Law School Lucy. He didn't know who he was.


	3. Chapter 3

Choke this love till the veins start to shiver

* * *

Natsu squished a butterfly when he was five. When he put together cause and effect—its lifeless body with the green goo that came out of its abdomen, the once beautiful wings now crumpled—he cried. His mother had appeared out of the sliding glass door onto the concrete patio at the back of their house with words of wisdom, as she often did when things got teary, these ones so complex that he had difficulty understanding. There were men in monsters and monsters in men, she'd said. To be one, you need not be the other, but it _helped._ How did a man know he was being a monster if he had not yet been one, and thusly, how did a monster know how to be a man if he had not yet acted like one?

She dried his tears with the kitchen towel she'd taken from her shoulder. It had smelled like baking. Cherry cheesecake. The wind stole that smell from Natsu's nose before he could _really_ enjoy it and plucked his mother's wispy hair from its bun. He still remembered. He still remembered _everything._ The coarseness of the cotton towel on his cheeks, how the tears she dried seemed to satisfy her, but not him. Never Natsu. Confused, he pushed the envelope. And would always push the envelope, when prodded. After all, how did one know whether he was a monster or a man?

Trouble, the prodder, started not with a T but an A. She found herself on their doorstep after Zeref returned Natsu to the hospital to get his cast off. The series of events that had her cramming into the Dakota? Natsu couldn't say. Zeref went outside to have a cigarette while Natsu used the washroom, and when Natsu came out, she was climbing into the open truck in a skirt so small, Natsu saw the flash of icy blue panties beneath.

Zeref was like that. Solemn, yet he attracted people to him. A magnet.

Natsu's first assessment of his nurse—the hot one, not the two hundred and forty pound one—wasn't incorrect. Her smile was mean and her eyes were cold and blue. She wore her jacket open and when she was not in her scrubs, she had a large tattoo on her chest. A beautiful one with hideous creatures she called angels. She said that was her name, too. Natsu didn't believe her.

Pills had, at one time, been a rare occurrence in the Dragneel household. Now, in Angel's presence, they were commonplace. She was the breeze that gusted life into so many sputtering flames and encouraged a bonfire in the days that followed. Natsu watched Zeref as he tromped down Angel's shadowed road willingly. He watched Ultear, too. She was willing to share and Angel was not and the only time Zeref wanted Ultear was when she was with someone else, too.

It was a time bomb. Ticking away. Threatening to explode.

A week passed and it never did.

Stillness bred complacency.

Sitting beside his brother while late, pale winter sunlight sludged through black sheets meant to be drapes, he watched Angel open Zeref's mouth with a finger topped with a short, blue-painted nail, and pop a pill onto his tongue. Ultear, eyed them, too, and didn't try to hide her scorn. She grabbed a bong off the coffee table littered with lighters and ashtrays and pop bottles and lit it up. Then she offered it to Natsu. He accepted it and when his head was buzzing, he started to clean. By the time Lucy texted him to say she was back in town, he was sober and the apartment looked like a habitable place again, if you ignored the spread of pills on the table, his half-naked brother on the couch and the girl perched on top of him slowly, methodically rocking her hips. Didn't she have to work?

Natsu decided he didn't care.

"Where are you going?" Zeref asked as Natsu shrugged into his jacket.

"Out."

"Law School's back in town?"

"Don't call her that."

Zeref sucked on his tooth. There was a meanness in him. He shaved it back and, like a switch had been flipped, was somber once again, the brother that tied his shoelaces too tight. "Be careful, Natsu."

There was a time when he was young that he would have been flippant with his reply but Zeref's somberness had a way of sneaking into your bones. "Yeah."

* * *

Lucy was burdened with a large black and blue book when Natsu picked her up outside of the Paper Star, her favourite café. Natsu took the icebreaker that book offered, though he'd never needed an icebreaker with Lucy before, everything had always been easy with her and asked about it. She'd launched into a forty-minute monologue about her new elective, astronomy. _Astronomy_. The study of the stars. It was wild to think that people did that.

"I thought you wanted to take law?" They seemed as far apart as any two things could be, one focusing on the struggles of man, the other looking above and beyond this world.

Lucy shrugged and effortlessly said the thing that washed Natsu of the two-week-long turmoil he hadn't even been _aware_ of. "I can be more than one thing."

Everything was easier after that.

It was cold but Natsu bought Lucy a milkshake with the last of the money he made before the factory he'd worked in got closed down the month before. She ordered a burger and fries, too, and scarfed it back like she was starving. In between bites, she talked about her school and asked about how he was doing. He hadn't done much of _anything_ since she'd left, floated in and out of a fog, mostly, wondering about Trouble and Monsters and feeling it all press down on him but not knowing _why_.

He didn't explain that to her. He did, however, tell her that he was looking for a new job.

"Yeah?" She sounded a little surprised. That stung anew.

"Sure. I've had a couple of interviews." That much was true. Getting a job was harder than he thought, though. He could go in and smile at people, and they seemed to like him, but they looked at his hand in its cast and at the way he moved stiltedly and then they closed down. Things would be different now, though, Natsu decided. With his cast off and his movements getting easier every day, he'd find something.

Lucy looked like she wanted to say something and it was eating at her. Natsu suddenly didn't _want_ to know what she was going to say, positive that it'd sound something like, _why the sudden ambition_? Or _Did my father say something to you to bring this on_?

There was a park on the north side of town; it was abandoned so late in the year. Natsu put the truck in four wheel and drove it off the sideroad leading to the park.

"What are you doing?" Lucy squawked.

"What's it look like?"

She gripped the door handle to hold herself in her seat. "This is illegal or something. I'm sure of it."

"So what?"

"So _what_? We're going to get into trouble."

With a smile reminiscent of one of Zeref's wickedest, Natsu gunned it over a snow-covered lawn, and put the truck right on top of the tallest hill before turning and asking Lucy, "From who?"

"I don't know," Lucy said sheepishly. "The police or something."

Natsu made a grand show of turning around in his seat and hunting the empty horizon. He couldn't even see a street lamp; the evergreens were thick there. "The place is empty and the cops don't come here in the winter. Come on."

There was a blanket in the back seat that Natsu had dug out of a box in his closet and left in the truck for purposes like these. He had it laid out and was already looking at the sky before Lucy deigned to join him, sliding out of the truck and climbing into the back over the tailgate. She nestled into Natsu's side so close, he was able to grab the edges of the blanket and pull it up over her. Her sigh pushed her ribs into his. Natsu made her a pillow out of his bicep and pulled her close.

"Teach me."

Lucy lifted her head and looked at him. "What?"

"What you know about the stars. Teach me."

She settled back down and looked up at the sky again for so long, Natsu thought she wasn't going to say a thing. Really, she was just choosing a place to start. Space was a big place. She began with the light of the stars, how people on earth were actually seeing their glow from long ago because though light-speed was _fast,_ space was vast, and it would take millions of years to get to them. She talked about black holes next, dying and dead stars so dense they folded in on themselves and sucked in _everything_ they could. There was one in the middle of the Milky Way but it would take twenty-seven thousand light-years to get there. Which wasn't the same as twenty-seven thousand years.

It was all very confusing. Inevitably, she lost him. Natsu started watching her talk, her lips move around the words. He felt her voice sliding over his skin. It was chill-inducing.

Lucy's head turned and she met his eyes. "Are you still listening to me?"

"Sort of."

"So I've been talking to myself for all this time?"

Natsu kissed her. It was hard to tell if she was mad or not. She wasn't forthcoming with her kiss, not at first. "What's wrong?"

"Hang on." She adjusted and pulled her phone out of her coat and hit the button on top to turn it off. The screen lit up first before it turned black and Natsu saw that her father had been calling her. And was calling her again.

"He doesn't know you're here?"

"I left him a note," she said vaguely.

Natsu sighed.

"Don't sigh. He was at work and his phone was off," she said, and, "Forget about that."

It was hard to just _forget about_ it. Lucy made a convincing argument, though, unzipping her coat a few inches so Natsu could see what she wore beneath. Not much of anything, a loose-fitting white top that was deeply cut down the front and a thin white bra beneath that the tips of her breasts poked against. He kissed them, and her mouth, and back down again. Lucy pulled herself out of her bra and shirt and spread her legs in invitation. Natsu gave her the attention he hadn't been able to before and when she was a shivering, sobbing mess, he pulled her pants down just enough and bruised his knees on the Dakota's ribbed bed.

* * *

Lucy didn't want to be dropped off in front of her house, preferring to walk the rest of the way, but that's where Natsu left her. Her father's expensive black car was in the driveway and it was idling with someone waiting inside. Lucy was tense but she still slid over the seat and kissed Natsu—they'd come this far, hadn't they?

"I'll call you later." The truck door closed behind her.

Natsu watched her walk up the walkway to her three storey home. Her father got out of his car when she was partway there. He locked eyes with Natsu. There was no ranting or raving, which was perhaps the worst. There was only judgement.

Natsu returned home. Zeref hadn't moved much. He hadn't dressed much, either. There were people there again, most Natsu knew, some he didn't. There were no more pills on the table, though there was the evidence of some, fine white powder dusting the dark coffee table.

"There he is," Angel preened from the couch and Natsu had to assume she was talking about him because Zeref and Ultear both looked up and his way. Everyone was glassy-eyed. That was no surprise.

"Have you been drinking?" Zeref asked.

"Me? No," Natsu said hesitantly. "Why?"

"Because he wants you to drive me to the hospital," Angel said.

"Why?" She didn't look hurt and she didn't look sober enough to work. Her hair was tufted and beneath her eyes was smears of dark liner.

"Because I asked." Angel unfolded herself from Zeref's lap and grabbed up her backpack beside the couch. "What do you say, Natsu?"

"I guess." He had no reason _not_ to, really.

Ultear rose as well and beat Angel to the front door. She looked much soberer and grumpier, too.

Natsu didn't quite understand what rivalry they'd weaved. It didn't always show itself, most of the time like just then, they were civil, but it appeared in their hustle to the truck, as if getting there first _meant_ something. Ultear was the first to the passenger's side. She waited for Natsu to open the door and climbed in. He thought that meant Angel would get in the back but she pushed past Natsu to climb into the middle seat and put up the console. Ultear looked sour; her attempt to squeeze Angel out hadn't been successful.

"I'm going to need you to wait for me, too," Angel said as Natsu got the truck going. "I shouldn't be more than thirty minutes, okay?"

"What the hell am I supposed to do for thirty minutes?"

"I don't know, but just make sure that you're waiting for me."

"Lucky you, I'm good company," Ultear said blandly.

"Okay?" Angel prodded.

Natsu exhaled. "I guess."

"Good." Angel elbowed him in the shoulder as she yanked her sweater over her head, stripping to her bra, and replaced it with a scrub shirt, her pants, went too.

Natsu tried not to stare. " _What_ are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" Angel asked, lifting her hips and wriggling into a pair of thin pants. "Getting dressed." She tied the front string in a bow then focused elsewhere, lifting her hair up into a ponytail. It was near perfect, practiced. She pushed into Ultear so she could use the flip down mirror to fix her smudged makeup. She took out her earrings, and removed her necklace, putting both in the cup holder.

Angel turned to Natsu. "How do I look?"

"Like a dumpster nurse stripper," Ultear said drably.

Angel looked back over her shoulder. "So just your type?"

Ultear's lips pressed together. She didn't confirm nor deny. Natsu busied himself with putting the Dakota in a parking space near the front door.

"Thanks." Angel smiled smarmily and climbed over Ultear to exit. Natsu watched her enter the hospital and disappear out of view.

"Thank fucking god." Ultear got comfortable, lunging in the passenger's seat with her leg tucked up beneath her and her back against the window. She played with the string on her hood for a while, watching the parking lot in silence. Natsu played with the radio, stopping on Queen's _Bohemian Rhapsody_. It held his attention for about three minutes, then he turned to his phone, scrolling through all his social media.

Ultear sighed dramatically. Natsu looked up. "Yeah?"

"I'm bored."

"You're the one that chose to come along."

"To save you from that predator."

"Uh huh." He was pretty sure he could have handled Angel.

Ultear drummed her fingers on the dash. "You know what you're doing here, right?"

Annoyed, Natsu put his phone to sleep. "Frankly? No."

"Your brother's new girlfriend hatched some stupid plan."

"Pretty sure Angel isn't his girlfriend." Zeref didn't _have_ girlfriends. He had girls he fucked and that was all.

"Whatever she is. She's forging signatures on prescriptions and filling them."

"Why?"

"Because she can fill them without having to pay for them." Ultear didn't have to say the rest. She did, though. "She's giving them to Zeref to sell off."

Natsu felt a weight bear down on him, a heavy one that made raising his shoulders feel like a chore. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

He didn't like it very much. They didn't _know_ Angel. "What's she get out of this?"

"Nothing PG enough for your virgin ears."

He didn't bother responding; he knew Ultear well enough to know she was just trying to get a raise from him.

True to form, she slid a little bit closer. "Doesn't that bother you? That Zeref sent you out here?"

Zeref had done a great many things that required closer inspection, this being not the worst. "No."

"What is it about him, huh?"

"You tell me, Ultear. You're the one that's always coming around."

She harrumphed. "Don't you like to see me?"

"Most of the time, I don't."

"Is that supposed to be some kind of joke? Because it's not funny."

"Either you're in my brother's bed or you're on the couch. I don't spend much time in either place."

Ultear's eyes narrowed. "Is there a crown that comes with that moral high ground, your highness? Because I'd like to polish it for you."

"You're shitty company."

"I'm only as good as the people I'm with," Ultear snarked right back.

Natsu put his head against the window and counted down the seconds until Angel reappeared. It took longer than thirty minutes. So long, in fact, that Natsu thought for sure she'd been caught and started to wriggle in his seat. Ultear was a cool customer always and plucked at her nails, clearing them of the flaking nail polish she'd swiped on days before.

People moved in and out of the hospital doors. Some were patients, some were staff members. Natsu catalogued each one but stopped when his phone buzzed. It was Lucy and she'd sent him a picture that made between his legs tighten up. He was typing out a reply to her when the truck door opened, almost putting Ultear on the ground, and Angel slid in. She didn't try for the middle this time, satisfied to push Ultear over.

"Did you get it?"

"Of course I did," Angel said. "Drive, Get Away."

"Get away?" Natsu asked.

"Better than Patsy."

Natsu started the truck up again and got going. "Aren't you worried you're going to get caught?"

"It's been three years now and I haven't yet," Angel said.

It seemed only a matter of time. For Angel, though, as for with everyone, stillness bred complacency. She opened the pills and took one out, offering it to Ultear more sensually than she did to Zeref, slipping it between her own lips and then pressing it onto Ultear's tongue that way. And Ultear let it happen. _Gleeful,_ the way she took that pill back.

That was a line of fucking crazy that Natsu didn't understand. If asked, he'd swear they hated each other. And yet, their kiss turned into something more. Natsu kept his eyes on the road when seatbelt-less Ultear was pulled onto Angel's lap and turned up the music to block out the high-pitched sigh Ultear made.

The apartment came out of the dark and Natsu was glad. He pulled the truck down the laneway beside the movie store, saying loudly, "We're back."

Ultear sat straight and shook back her hair. Angel still touched her, more idly now, though. Natsu still found something else to look at. Like the fence that lined the one side of the laneway that was tall and naturally stained. It reminded him of the one that had been in his backyard once. He'd found a baby bird cramped up beneath one of the boards. He and Zeref had nursed it back to health until their mother got home from work; she'd taken it to an animal shelter where Natsu was told it would be made better.

There was no bird waiting beneath these boards. There was a group of guys leaning against them, though. Natsu eyed them warily and parked closer to the apartment then he would normally.

"Friends of yours?" Ultear asked when she caught him looking their way.

"No." Natsu turned off the truck. Nothing had happened yet but he could _feel_ the adrenaline making his senses heighten. Ultear and Angel climbed out the passenger's side together, Natsu the driver's side. He was painfully aware of the doors creaking open and closed, and of the snow crunching beneath his boots. The two girls ahead of him, seemingly a united force in this single moment, walking shoulder-to-shoulder.

"Hey," one of the guys called behind them.

Natsu slowed because he _knew_ that voice. At one time, it had called him a faggot.

"Hey."

He listened to it again to be sure, and to the boots crunching up behind him.

"Hey, wait."

Natsu stopped and turned. Only one of the men had broken away from the group, not particularly tall or broad but wiry. The other two lingered by the fence still.

"Got a light?" The man held up his cigarette.

Natsu acted without much thought and punched him, suckered him right in the nose. And he kept going, grabbing him by the collar and wrestling him to the ground. The guy's friends joined, one kicking Natsu in the back, the other getting Natsu in the back of his head. It made black stars dance before his eyes. Someone yelled. The pummeling from elsewhere stopped. Natsu's vision cleared and he saw a slick of black hair. Ultear. There was something in her hand. Metal and long. She'd grabbed a crowbar out of the back of the Dakota and was hitting one of the men with it mercilessly; there was another on the ground, unmoving. She wasn't shy of the blood that flew across the snow. The only thing that made her wary was the strobing red and blue lights that brought it into relief, flashing again and again.


	4. Chapter 4

You might love me like a saint, but you'll lose faith eventually

* * *

Eight-year-old Natsu loved to hide in snow forts. He'd dig them into the snowbank outside their house and wait for Zeref's bus to arrive. When he'd step off, Natsu would hold his breath and remain perfectly still until Zeref was up the driveway a ways and then the snowball fight would begin. There was never any fooling Zeref, he always had a snowball primed and ready to go, meaning when Natsu would stick his head out of his fort, it was to a face full of snow. He gave back—not as good as he got—but it was fun all the same.

He could still remember—vividly—the day that fun stopped. He remembered being crouched in his fort. He remembered the cold leaching in through his snow pants. He remembered his snowballs already neatly rolled and piled up in front of him. He needed any advantage he could get, after all. He remembered the way his breath fogged and how, out of the hole he'd crawled in through, he could see snow falling from the sky, huge, fat flakes that made a thick layer on the ground. He remembered the rumble of the snowplough and he remembered the scrape of the blade pushing back piles of snow.

He remembered the walls of his fort shaking. And then not just shaking. _Crumbling_. He remembered backing up and having nowhere to go. He remembered all of the snow falling down on him. Even as he was trapped, he remembered thinking that getting out _should_ have been easy. It was just snow, after all. He couldn't find the way, though. Everything was a peculiar shade of dark blue-white and everything was _cold,_ down his neck and against his face. Natsu sucked in breath and the snow was in his mouth and up his nose. He couldn't _breathe_.

Panic came so viciously that he didn't even hear digging in the snow until hands clad in black finger gloves broke through the top of the pile and reached for him. Natsu remembered Zeref picking him out of the snow and pulling him in against his chest. He remembered the way Zeref breathed heavily. He remembered the way Zeref yelled at him, too.

Natsu didn't have long to wonder if he was too old now to be yelled at in the same way. Just as soon as he was able, Zeref burst through the door into the room where the holding cells were and called him every name he knew of and some he made up on the spot. He then promised that he'd fix it. Zeref used to always make promises like that, those he couldn't keep; it hadn't been that way in a long time, though, and it was unnerving to see him falling back into old habits.

"It's fine," Natsu said.

"It's _not_ fine, idiot," Zeref made sure to tell him.

"Your brother's right." Gildarts lounged against the concrete wall, watching the whole scene. "This is serious, Natsu."

"I've gotten into fights before," Natsu said.

Gildarts said, "You weren't nineteen before. You never had the cops called on you before, either."

Zeref rubbed his hand under his nose and sniffed. "Fuck."

Gildarts straightened and touched Zeref's back. "Come on, we got some stuff to talk about."

They were alone again, just he and Ultear. Natsu filled his lungs with one deep breath after the other. The holding cells smelled like stale nicotine and coffee and unwashed clothes. They were cold, too. And uncomfortable, not really good for leaning his back against the bars and staring at the fluorescent light overhead until he felt blind, but he did it anyway.

It was hard to say how much time had passed, though his head was ringing and his hands were aching and Ultear kept huffing, so he knew that time moved forward.

Eventually, the door at the end of a drab hallway opened again and Gildarts came through. He looked as weary as ever, unshaved and unbrushed and untucked in his uniform.

"Zeref?" Natsu asked.

"Gone home." Gildarts pulled on a card attached to his belt and swiped it in front of the reader on the wall. A loud buzzing sounded and the door unclicked.

"Finally. Are we getting out of this fucking dump?" Ultear asked.

Gildarts had only a dry expression for her. "You're staying right here, Miss Milkovich. Natsu?"

Natsu got to his feet. He'd been buzzing off adrenaline for an hour and now that it was leaving his system, he was exhausted to the point of barely being able to walk. He made it out into the hallways and down to the door without stumbling so he counted that as a success. Gildarts opened that door with the same card and brought Natsu into a part of the precinct that didn't smell quite so foul. Coffee dominated the air here and paper. Gildarts brought him into a small room that looked like it was used for interrogation and pointed to a chair that was bolted to the floor. Natsu sat and slouched.

"Tired?" Gildarts asked.

"Yeah."

He dropped into the chair opposite. "I'm fucking bagged, too. Been here all night." The clock on the wall read six in the morning. "I have my other statements, I need yours, and then Ultear."

"Okay."

"Tell me why you attacked Mister…" He searched through a messy notebook. "Mister Taka?"

"Because he's an asshole."

Gildarts' look turned dispassionate. "Help yourself, Natsu, and don't give me bullshit answers."

Natsu sobered. "He was the guy that attacked me. A couple weeks ago, him and his friends. He was waiting for me again when I drove Angel back from the hospital."

"Angel?"

"She was there tonight. Or last night. Whatever." He hadn't been to bed yet; it felt like one, long day. "The blonde one."

"Right. Sorano Agria. She was one of the witnesses."

He knew Angel wasn't her real name.

Gildarts said, "So what you're saying is you acted in self-defence? Because from the reports I got earlier, they said you attacked them out of nowhere."

"Well…"

Gildarts sighed through his nose. "Shit, Natsu."

Natsu said, "I may have thrown the first punch but they weren't there because they wanted to be friends."

"You can't know that."

"Really? Because the lump on the back of my head says different." It was tender still and would be for a while if Natsu was any judge. "All three of them joined in. Who knows what would have happened if Ultear hadn't been there?"

Gildarts scribbled in his book. Natsu couldn't read what he wrote. "I need to talk to Ultear but you're in deep shit, Natsu. This guy's family is rolling in it and they're going to rake you over the coals as much as they can."

"What's that mean?"

"They'll probably be in favour of pressing charges."

"Those guys attacked me _first_."

" _Weeks_ ago— _maybe._ I don't have _proof_ of that."

"The truck," Natsu said.

"The only vehicles registered to the Takas are a BMW SUV and a sedan. The truck that those guys got out of was a beat-up old Ford."

"The other guys, then," Natsu said.

"Wally Buchannan and Fukuro Aria are both from the same part of town. Rich kids that don't own hand-me-down trucks that crawled out of the '80s."

"So _what_?"

"So I can't prove _anything_ , Natsu. You say one thing, they say another, and the only evidence I have is what I collected tonight and by all accounts, _you_ attacked _them_ unprovoked when Taka asked you for a lighter. That _has_ to go into my report and that _has_ to go to the prosecutor."

"This is fucking _bullshit._ You know I didn't go after them for no reason!" Natsu wished yelling about it was more _satisfying_. He continued. Gildarts let him, sitting back in his chair and listening to the rant, at the end of which, Natsu couldn't even remember what was said.

Gildarts waited a moment more to make sure he was finished. He _wasn't_ but Natsu was too burned out to continue, and Gildarts took advantage of the situation. "I'm going to finish this up. I need to talk to your friend."

"And then what?" Natsu's voice was hoarse.

"Then I get this sent off this morning, the prosecutor goes through it, decides whether or not to press charges."

"If they do?"

"You'll go to court, the prosecutor will present the evidence and the judge will decide."

"Okay. But what if I'm hit with an assault charge?" Natsu asked. He didn't _care_ about the rest.

Gildarts didn't try to sugar-coat anything; he was always good like that. "Usually it's fines and up to six months in jail."

"This is _bullshit_ ," Natsu pressed again.

Gildarts stood. "I'll take you back, come on. I'll get you some aspirin on the way."

He didn't _want_ to go back there to that dumpy, smelly cell but the promise of aspirin got him to his feet.

* * *

Natsu had been dozing for the better part of an hour when he heard the door open. He cracked open his eyes and his stomach filled with lead. "Mister Heartfilia." Behind him was an even more run-down looking Gildarts.

Jude Heartfilia put only the tips of his expensive, shiny boots in the cell and clasped his hands, along with the file folder he held, in front of his waist. His eyes were the same shade of brown as Lucy's but they were cold. "Mister Dragneel."

Natsu didn't think he'd ever heard his name spoken with such scorn. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm the prosecutor."

Natsu swallowed his aggravated swear. It wasn't going to earn him any points with a man like Lucy's father. "Oh."

"We should talk. Privately. Follow me, please."

Natsu glanced at Gildarts to see if this was _supposed_ to happen. Gildarts' expression was ghost-blank. He didn't say _don't_ , though, and Natsu trusted Gildarts as much as he trusted anyone. He followed Mister Heartfilia out into the precinct again and into a room that was different than the first he'd been in. This one was painted dark green, clean, and had a solid, light hardwood floor. It was nice, considering. There were two chairs and a table. Jude took one seat and waved Natsu into the other.

"I've looked over the report from last night. It doesn't look good for you, Mister Dragneel."

Natsu's stomach got heavier if that was possible. "Okay."

"An assault charge on your record is damaging."

Though the magnitude of it all was still a bit lost on him, Natsu didn't want to play ignorant with Jude. "I gathered."

"We can proceed in a variety of ways. This can be processed directly by a judge with no need for a jury or we could treat it as an indictable offense, which will require a more formal court process. You don't want that."

"No." Obviously.

Jude tapped his file folder. "This kind of thing sticks with you for some time, Mister Dragneel. Getting a job will be difficult, loans. If you run into hot water again, which if I may be so blunt to say seems _likely_ , given your current trajectory—"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Jude gave him no quarter. "Should I remind you that at nineteen you're facing assault charges?"

Natsu didn't have a good reply to that. His sweaty palms left wet marks on the table. "So what you're saying is I'm screwed."

"Certainly, if these charges are laid no one will go easy on you." Jude pursed his lips. "There is another way we could do this, though."

"There is?"

"I have the power to drop the charges."

The relief came hot and fast. "Would you?"

"I could be swayed to, yes." Jude arranged the papers in front of him, though they were already neat and tidy.

"That's great." They couldn't afford a fine and it was already hard enough getting a job. Natsu almost laughed. "Thank you, Mister Heartfilia—"

It didn't look like Jude _ever_ smiled; now wasn't an exception. "You have to do something for me, though, Mister Dragneel."

Some of the wariness came back to Natsu. "What?"

"I need you to stop seeing my daughter."

"What?"

Jude held his eyes as he explained, "Stop calling her. Stop texting her. Delete her from all forms of social media and never contact her again. If you see her out in public, pretend that you don't. If she tries to engage you, make it known to her in no uncertain terms that you're through."

Natsu waited for the punchline. It never came. "Are you serious?"

"I never joke in matters of business."

"So I can be charged with assault or I can stop seeing my girlfriend." Just so they were clear.

"That sums it up nicely, yes."

"This is—" There was a fancy word for it that Natsu couldn't remember. "Blackmail."

Jude said, "And this is the rest of your life."

"I don't care."

One of Jude's blonde brows went up. "This is the kind of attitude that makes me wish Lucy had never met you. You're _impulsive,_ Mister Dragneel, you don't think with your head, you just _act._ You have no job—"

"I got laid off."

"—No future, no plans for school, no money to _go_ to school—"

"I can get a student loan."

"Not with a record," Jude countered.

Natsu chewed his cheek _hard._ He had no idea if Jude was right or not and didn't want to make a fool of himself.

"You live in a squalid little movie shop _drowning_ in drugs, you _steal_ from the hospital—"

"I didn't—"

"In the police report there was a pill bottle found on the ground made out to a Missus—" Jude flipped open the file. "Abagail Hope. Who is a _very_ nice old lady that lives on the north side of town. Currently, she's in the hospital and has been there for weeks recovering from a hip surgery. I _wonder_ how her pills got all the way out there by you when she can't even walk?"

Natsu's ears buzzed. "No one said anything about those pills to me."

"Not yet, but I promise you, they were in the report and if you don't agree to my terms I am going to pull every trick I know to make this process as painful and _serious_ as I can."

"You can't _do_ that."

"I _can_ , and I promise it won't just be you that gets dragged through the mud, I'll drag your brother right through it, too."

"For _what_?"

"For anything and everything I can."

There was plenty of ammunition if Jude cared to look, Natsu knew. He looked down at his busted up hands. "I love Lucy."

Jude surprised Natsu by saying, "She's a special girl. It's hard not to love her."

"What if I changed things? I—"

Jude's voice got soft. "Somethings you can't change, Natsu. Your family or yourself. Accept who you are, accept that you're no good for Lucy, and do the right thing for everyone involved. This," He tapped the file again. "Can all go away. Even your friend's, the one that attacked with a tire iron. Gone. Just make a promise to me, man to man, that you'll do what's right and let my daughter go."

Natsu squeezed his fingers into a fist tight enough that the scabs on his knuckles twinged. "She's not going to accept some bullshit line—"

Jude said sternly, "I don't need you to talk to her. I need you to be a ghost."

What could he say?


	5. Chapter 5

All our love's flying in the sand

* * *

Blueberry pancakes were Natsu's favourite. Slathered in butter and syrup and stacked five high. Between the ages of eleven and fifteen, Zeref would make them for him every Saturday morning. The day that stopped stood out vividly in Natsu's mind. It had begun innocently enough, breakfast, Zeref took him to the mall and then to the movies.

When they got home, that's when things got bad.

Natsu remembered that the sun was sinking below the horizon and there was a spring storm on the way and it was moving quickly. Zeref parked their mother's car, a modest blue Corolla, and then checked the mailbox because the tag was up and had been for two days. He came out with a stack of white envelopes and flipped through them there in the driveway, and as he did, Natsu watched his face get dark.

"What is it?" Natsu had asked and Zeref hadn't replied, dropping all the mail on the ground except for the last envelope, that he scrunched up and brought with him. Natsu remembered the storm front grabbing the loose envelopes and scattering them up the driveway. He remembered being scared. He remembered how that fear spiked when Zeref went into the house, screaming. He even remembered the way Zeref's voice cracked, he was trying to be so loud, when he said,

"You told mom you _paid_ it."

Whatever his father's response had been was inconsequential. Or if it wasn't, it was washed up in the memory of Zeref's fury. Natsu had heard something break. Zeref swore. Their father mimicked him. And then Zeref was pushed outside, back on the porch again.

Zeref glanced at the loppers left on the deck and everything played out in Natsu's mind like he could see into the future. The things he _didn't_ remember were running up the driveway and grabbing Zeref's wrist to stop him from picking up the sharp tool. He didn't _remember_ their father coming out and hitting Zeref again for even considering it. He didn't remember their soft-spoken mother picking up the phone and calling the police.

He remembered Gildarts, though, showing up and threatening to put Natsu's belligerent father in the back of the cruiser. He remembered the poisoned silence that filled the house afterwards when Gildarts had left. Occasionally, that silence was split by venomous words that had Natsu clutching his hands to his ears and pinching his eyes closed, hoping that it would stop.

In between the puncturing hostilities, Natsu recalled his mother lifting the telephone and calling Zeref. She asked where he was. She asked him to come home. Begged, really. She was scared. Not for herself, but for her son.

Like he'd been waiting for a spark to ignite the flame, Natsu heard his father stomp down the stairs. The phone was forcibly hung up and the screaming started again, as vicious as it had been before. Natsu called the police. Gildarts came back to the house and this time with a restraining order.

"What are you thinking about?"

Natsu looked up from the couch at a much older Zeref leaning out of the small, makeshift kitchen. The truth came out; he hadn't the skill to lie. "The last time you made me blueberry pancakes."

Zeref's jaw flexed. He was careful to steer clear of the turmoil, though. "They're your favourite."

"Yeah."

Zeref ducked back into the kitchen. Natsu listened to him shake the pan back and forth over the stove, butter hissing on hot metal, utensils clanging as they were dropped in the sink. The fridge opening and closing. Zeref returned, this time bearing two plates. Natsu's was stacked five high, just like it used to be, Zeref had two, and he didn't eat them immediately, he watched Natsu cut his pancakes and take a bite while wearing a complex expression.

"What?" Natsu asked when he swallowed.

Zeref said, "I fucked up. I asked you to take Angel to the hospital and I knew what she was doing. I wasn't thinking straight, though. If I hadn't…"

"Those guys still would have been waiting," Natsu said.

Zeref shook his head. "I can handle trash like that. What I don't like is fucking Jude Heartfilia _threatening_ you with a drug charge. What I don't like is you getting involved. It wasn't supposed to happen." Zeref clasped his fists together and rested his chin on his knuckles. Gathering fortification. Natsu prepared himself for whatever was coming and still almost spat his pancakes out. "I've been thinking. Maybe you should call Mom."

"Why the hell would I call Mom?"

"Ask her if you can move back home. Get out of here for a little bit. Let things cool down."

"Is Dad still there?"

Zeref looked away. "I think so."

"Then no."

"Natsu—"

Natsu spoke over his brother. "Are you kicking me out?"

"No."

"Then drop it." His life was already in enough chaos; he didn't need to start thinking about a new place to live on top of it. Especially _that_ place.

Zeref rubbed his palms on his jeans, another old tick whenever he had ideas he was unsure of or didn't much like. "If you're going to stay here then I'll try to go legit."

Natsu glanced at him. "Legit?"

"I'll try to get a job. A good one. Get this shit out of the house." He picked up a stray pipe Natsu didn't recognize and dropped it back to the beaten up coffee table. It clunked loudly. "I don't want to give anyone any reason to come down on you. Not for this."

Natsu supposed that was a peculiar reason to love his brother more but he did just then. For a brief moment. Zeref ruined it, asking "What are you going to do?"

"About _what_?"

"I know Mister Heartfilia told you to stop seeing Lucy."

"And how the fuck would you know that?"

"Because I asked him what it was going to take to get this charge put away."

"And he told you?"

"Seemed kind of proud to, actually," Zeref said.

Natsu glowered.

"Natsu." Zeref waited until he had Natsu's full attention. "Don't think you can go behind his back and keep seeing her. It's all or nothing for guys like him. Either you tell him to fuck his hat and get slapped with this charge or you do what he says."

Natsu felt like screaming. He asked, "What do you think I should do?"

"I want you to go to school. I want you to get a good job. I want you to have a house. A good one, that you buy _legally_."

And Zeref wanted to try to get a real job. "So you think I should cut ties with her."

"Yeah," Zeref said. "I do."

"Because she'll always be Law School Lucy."

"Yeah."

Natsu stood, leaving his pancakes on the table virtually untouched.

Zeref asked, "Where are you going?"

"Out."

Natsu expected more of a fight but Zeref let him get his coat and the truck keys.

* * *

His phone had lit up with Lucy's number so many times that Natsu eventually turned it off and threw it in the cab of the truck through the quarter window in the rear. It ended up somewhere on the floor and, as far as he was concerned that's where it could stay.

Cold bit at his nose and sore knuckles. He locked his hands behind his head, creating a knobby pillow for himself on the equally knobby truck bed. Sparse clouds crawled by, blocking out the stars and revealing them again a second later. They were bright out there.

Footsteps crunched through the snow, slow and steady. Natsu closed his eyes, listening to them, hoping and also fearing. His heart leapt when her voice came to his ears.

"You can see Canis Major really well tonight."

He kept his eyes closed. "Did you walk here?"

"I tried your apartment first."

"Did Zeref say anything to you?"

"Not really, just that you weren't there."

His brother the stoic.

The truck's suspension squealed quietly when Lucy stepped on the bumper and then over the tailgate. "I've been calling you."

He told his first lie to her. "My phone died."

"Oh." She stepped on to the blanket and got down to his side. "I heard you got arrested."

"Yeah."

"Are you okay?"

Natsu opened his eyes and turned his head. Lucy's hair was loose around her shoulders tonight and her face was clear of all makeup. The only thing she wore was a shine of gloss on her mouth. His heart lurched. "I'm alright."

"My dad said it was pretty serious."

"Sounds like."

Lucy put her palm on his cheek and fixed some tufts of Natsu's unruly hair. "What's going to happen?"

Zeref was ringing in his head, telling him it had to be all or nothing. He was right but more than anything, Natsu wanted both. Freedom and Lucy. "The charges were dropped."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Her smile was tentative. She kissed him first with just her lips, and then her tongue, and hitched her leg over his hips.

"Lucy," Natsu began but didn't know where to go from there.

"You want to move into the cab?" she asked, oblivious.

He was going to say no. He was. He was going to tell her that they couldn't do this anymore. She got up and leapt over the side of the truck and he hadn't gotten a word in yet. He heard the passenger's door open and felt her climb inside. A cloud rolled over the sky, blocking out the stars. He missed them immediately.

"Natsu?"

Natsu got up when she called, finding her on her knees on the bench, and closed the door. Lucy reached for him with cold fingers and those cold fingers moved inside his jacket. He didn't do anything to help or hinder her, torn, thinking about Zeref and what he had to say, and Ultear. She wasn't hit with an assault with a weapon charge because Natsu said _yes_. He'd said yes. He said yes because he couldn't say no, and at the time, he'd told himself that he could say yes and nothing had to change. They could still do this; they could still be together.

Lucy sat back. "What's going on?"

"Got stuff on my mind."

"Like what?"

He blurted, "Your dad hates me."

She sat back. "What? No—"

"Yes."

She said, "Okay, yeah. But so what? It's really none of his business."

"You're his daughter," Natsu heard himself say. "He wants what's best for you."

"He doesn't _know_ me," Lucy said. "Not really. He spends all of his time working, so how could he know what's best for me?" She leaned in and whispered against his lips, "Forget about that."

She was persuasive, pushing into him hard enough that Natsu felt the cold of the window through his jacket. Lucy kissed his chin and his neck and was moving lower. Natsu asked the truck's ceiling, "Do we keep meeting out here after dark? Do you sneak out? And what about later, Lucy?"

She leaned her forehead against his shoulder and sighed, the hot breath sneaking through the fabric of Natsu's shirt. "What do you mean, later?"

"The future. You're going to graduate law school and you're going to have a nice house and a balcony where you can have a telescope and a boyfriend you meet out in the park where you hook up in his shitty Dakota."

She leaned back. There was _mad_ on her face. "Did he say something to you?"

"Yeah. He said you and me split and my charges go away."

Lucy first just looked at him, perhaps she was searching for the lie. Then she sputtered. " _What?_ Did he really say that?"

"I told him yes." Natsu didn't feel _better_ after his confession. Worse, actually, because now everything was real.

Lucy's look turned incredulous. "How could you do that?"

"What was I _supposed_ to do?"

"Ask for a _lawyer_ ," Lucy erupted. "How could you be so stupid, Natsu?"

That stung more than it should have. "It's done."

"It's _not_ done. You need legal representation and you need to _fight_ this. You're being taken advantage of and once we prove that—" She trailed off as she filled in the rest of what would happen.

"Then what? Your dad loses his job?"

"Worse. Probably." She bit her cheek hard, gathering fortification. "It doesn't matter, though. What he did was wrong."

"It matters," Natsu said. "It's your dad."

"I don't care," she said, though it was obvious that some of the wind had been taken from her sails. She still loved her father.

"Forget it, Lucy. I said yes, the charges were dropped. It's done."

"So we just don't see each other anymore?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"No," she said stubbornly. "I don't want that."

He'd never broken up with a girl before, it had always been the other way around, and he'd never had to let go of someone he loved. It was hard. "I do."

"You're just saying that. We'll get a lawyer and—"

"I don't have money to _pay_ a lawyer," Natsu snapped.

"There are ones that work pro bono."

"You think I'm going to win a case against your rich, respected father using a pro bono lawyer? I'm not even in law school and I know that's not going to fucking happen."

Lucy growled in frustration and backed out of the truck through the driver's door. Natsu watched her for as long as he could as she trudged over the snowy field, then a car slowed and picked her up at the service road. He was almost worried but it was an Audi SUV, like the kind her uncle drove.

Natsu stared at the space she'd been for a long time afterwards, reconciling that hollow feeling in his chest.

Eventually, it got too cold to leave the heater off. Natsu turned on the truck and once it was on, he drove. He considered Zeref's words as he approached the highway. The northbound ramp would take him to his mother's house. He suddenly missed her viciously but he didn't want to be anywhere near his father, who she'd invited back into her house two weeks after the restraining order was issued. He was bad, she was sometimes worse. They fed off each other's sickness.

Natsu kept driving, past the heart of Magnolia, too, to the outskirts. He didn't realize he was going to Gildarts' place, though, until he was pulling up the long driveway. Gildarts' restored yellow Mustang was there and there was a light on inside the house.

Natsu got out of his truck and the sound of the door closing sent Rosie, Gildarts' hound, into a fit of yodels. The front door opened and Gildarts was there in a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. The smell of fried chicken wafted out of the small house and Natsu's stomach cramped.

"Hey, kid."

"Hey."

He knew all of Natsu's tells. "Rough night?"

"Yeah."

Gildarts stepped back and welcomed him in. "Dinner's just finishing up if you're hungry."

"Thanks."

Natsu stepped into the familiar house and crouched for old Rosie. He hid his face in the dog's thin fur while she wiggled, happy for the attention. She made him feel better, as she did when they were both small and Gildarts lived next door, back when Natsu's parents were still pretending that they were a functioning family. Hugging her broke the weird stillness he'd been trapped in. His throat got thick and his eyes burned. When he stood, Gildarts was there to take Rosie's place.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the last chapter for seven days, I’m on vacation!

I'd like to love you but my heart is a sore

* * *

Natsu's first memory of Kardia Cathedral was somehow both majestic and tainted. He remembered walking through the double wooden doors and looking at the ancient architecture with awe. He was in love with the hard and plain edges of the sawed pews, the grainy wooden floors, the smell of hot wax and the creak of tired wood. He was also ashamed. What brought them there to the house of worship wasn't love for God. It was fear and disgust. It was the red clap mark on his mother's cheek and his father's stinging red hand. It was his mother's surprise and his father's guilt.

They would make time for God again and maybe his father would remember what it was to be a good man. One that wasn't taken hostage by stress and vice.

It worked for the first week into the second, third and fourth. But _some people_ , Natsu's mother told him while he lay in bed one night and asked the question _why_ after it had happened again, _some people are just lost_.

And, he learned when he was a little older and a little wiser, some people were happy to get lost with them.

Those memories were so, so clear for Natsu looking up at the cathedral now. Walking through the doors and smelling perfumes and paper and wood polish. Righteousness and fear. They all mixed together.

Natsu clenched the brass door handle tight enough that he feared for the blood traveling to his fingers. He couldn't let go as he stared into the cathedral's open door. The red carpet runner lay limply over the floor, faded now and worn by feet that weren't his own, and the dais glittered in candlelight.

"Will you stand there or go in?" Her voice was startling. Natsu released the door and turned. Lucy stood at the bottom of the stairs, bathed in the orange glow of a streetlight.

"How did you find me?"

"I know you, Natsu," Lucy said. "Whenever your head's full, you always come here."

He sighed and dropped down onto the concrete step. "You shouldn't be here."

"Because my father says so?" she sneered. "I don't care." She came to sit beside him, so close her hip touched his, and took his hand. She was warm beneath her mitts. They remained that way until she figured out how to blurt her purpose there. "I have access to my university fund."

Natsu looked at her from the corner of his eye. "Okay."

"I emptied it," she said.

He looked at her more completely. "Why?"

"Because now we have seventy-thousand dollars to go anywhere we want," she said. "We can leave this crappy town and fuck my dad and his stupid rules and fuck my family and fuck yours, too."

Natsu watched the snow move over the church's cobblestone walkway. "You want to leave Magnolia."

"Yeah. I checked, there's a subway that'll take us across town to the busses. We can get on and be out by eleven if we leave right now. Or, if you wanted to wait until morning, we can probably pick up a cheap used car and go that way. If we pay cash, there won't be any records or anything. No one will know where to find us."

And they would be looking. Natsu curbed his temptation by imagining what Lucy's father would do to Zeref if he thought Zeref had information he wanted. What kinds of demons would he dig up to ruin Zeref's life forever?

"I can't."

Lucy was scheming, phone out and dealership websites up. She wasn't listening. Natsu grabbed her phone and took it away. She looked up. "What?"

"I said I _can't_."

"Of course you can."

"No, I can't, and neither can you," Natsu said firmly and stood. "You're doing really well at school—"

"So what?"

"So you think I want to be the guy that fucked up his girlfriend's future because her father doesn't want us together?"

"What about my choice?" Lucy shot back. "Don't I get a say in the matter?"

"No. Go home, Lucy."

"No, Natsu—"

"I won't leave Zeref here and I won't mess your life up, either. We're done. It's _over._ " Breaking up with a person was hard the first time. The second time was surprisingly easy. The words were all there, he had already ripped the bandages off once, he could do it again and again and again.

She was so mad she started to cry. She stood. "That's it, then? You won't get a lawyer, you won't see me anymore, you won't run away with me—"

"That about sums it up, yeah," Natsu said.

Lucy came down the stairs in jerky movements and snatched her phone from his hand. She pushed him, hand in the center of his chest, and again. "You're a coward. You can't break up with me because _I'm_ breaking up with _you_." She looked at him self-righteously, obviously expecting him to dispute her or to look hurt or to tell her to stop being irrational. She was a spoiled girl unused to not getting her way. In his silence, she erupted, " _Say_ something!"

"I don't have anything to say, Lucy. It's for the best."

She growled and grabbed him by the collar of his jacket. Her lips tasted like peppermint lip gloss and salty tears. Natsu took her by the hips before he stopped himself, a knee-jerk reaction whenever they were close. After that, he was sure to pull away.

"Get out of here."

Lucy shoved him again, mad as he'd ever seen her. Her steps were so fast, he was afraid she'd slip on ice as she stepped over the piled snowbank at the back of the church parking lot and onto the sidewalk. He lost sight of her then and dropped heavily back to the steps. There were cigarettes in his pocket. He'd been toying with smoking for the last week now. He couldn't decide if he loved it or if he wanted to puke every time.

"My cousin is dramatic."

Natsu looked left and saw a tall man in a nice suit and a pea coat walk up the shoved pathway. His leather shoes didn't look good for this kind of weather but like Lucy, he didn't slip. He pulled up the legs of his pants and sat without invitation.

"Who are you?"

"Jellal Fernandez." He offered Natsu a hand. He wore rings on his pinky, ring, and middle finger. They were all gold and looked expensive, though garish. Natsu took his hand and felt like a pauper with his Walmart watch and ripped leather jacket that he got from the thrift store.

"What do you want?"

Jellal spoke like Natsu hadn't. "Lucy's sweet. And loveable, I'll give her that. Her problem is letting go, though. She often needs a push."

"I told her to get lost."

"Actually, you kissed her."

"And then I told her to fuck off."

"First, though, you kissed her. Giving her hope. She'll hold onto that. I know she will. You know she will, too, don't you?"

"That wasn't my intention."

"No, but it's what happened, isn't it?"

Natsu squeezed his hand into a tight fist. "Look, do you have a purpose here?"

"Yes. My uncle told you to do a thing, Natsu, and I'm here to make sure it's done." He stood. Three men appeared, all large and callous-handed. Two grabbed Natsu's arms, though he'd tried to stand and get away. They were strong and held him firmly.

"What the fuck is this?" Natsu asked.

Jellal didn't look at them, his eyes were focused on the church. He crossed himself, touching his forehead, his chest, and then his left and right shoulders. "Don't treat him too badly, he gets points for sending her off, but make sure the message hits home." His shoes clopped loudly where the pavement was bare.

"Hey!" Natsu yelled at his back. "Hey—" His lip mashed into his teeth, garbling his next words.

He was only hit in the face twice; the rest were all body blows. Natsu fought back at first, kicking when he could. It was fruitless.

He was hit until he stopped fighting, and then he was released. He slumped to the ground and was left there.

* * *

It was difficult to get the strength up to move but the alternative was worse. He wasn't going to freeze to death on the steps of Kardia Cathedral.

Going home wasn't really appealing. In the days that had followed his arrest, Zeref had been true to his words. There weren't any transients filling up their couches, there weren't any drugs on the table or in the drawers, no pills, no blow, no pot. There wasn't even a fucking beer in the fridge. It had all been dumped down the sink or flushed down the toilet.

Natsu let his feet take him to the Patch. The houses here were all low-income townhouses, attached to one another and completely identical. Erik's stood out from the rest only by his green, beat-up Civic sitting in the driveway. Standing at its bumper, Natsu could hear the music coming out of the house. He felt a calmness wash over him. There was peace in chaos. Anonymity, too.

Natsu didn't bother knocking on the door, Erik had an open-door policy. Inside smelled like weed and beer and cologne and there seemed to be a thousand different shoes at the front door, all in various stages of disrepair. Natsu held himself up on the cream-coloured wall and kicked off boots. He had to get out of his coat more carefully, his ribs and his back were stiff and sore. He dropped the cold fabric on top of the others on the floor.

"Thought I heard someone come in," came Erik's familiar voice. "Been a while, Natsu."

"Hey." Natsu looked up.

Erik leaned against the door jam with a cigarette in one hand, a beer in the other. "What the fuck happened to you?"

"I don't know," Natsu grumbled.

Erik gave him a considering look, likely deciding if he _cared_ to find out just what fucked up things were going on. He decided to say, "You want a beer?"

Or seven. "Yeah."

"I'll grab one for you."

Erik left. His spot was filled by a joint-holding Ultear. "Holy hell, Natsu."

Natsu touched his cheek. "Is it bad?"

"Your face isn't too bad but you're hunched over like an old man. What the fuck happened?"

"Just ran into some guys."

She sighed and opened a door in the hallway. "Come on."

Natsu straightened with some effort and hobbled in through the open doorway. Ultear came in and closed it behind him. Inside was a washroom, small and more than a little bit dirty. There was bar soap on the edge of the sink and a first aid kit Ultear pulled out of the cabinet above the toilet.

"Wash the blood off your face."

Natsu cranked on the hot water. Air bubbled in the pipes and water came out in fits and spurts, then evened out. He cupped his hands and put them in the burning water. His split lip stung, and the cut on his cheek. Neither were very bad but Zeref was going to ask questions and Natsu didn't know what to say yet.

"Here." Ultear took his shoulder and pulled him upright. There was a wad of toilet paper in her hand that she used to daub away any remaining blood. She then came at him with Iodine, starting first with his cheek. It stung like a motherfucker. Natsu clenched his jaw. Ultear handed him the remainder of her joint. He puffed on it, filling the small space with grey smoke.

"This was about Lucy, wasn't it?" Ultear asked.

Natsu chose silence.

"You know the other times was about her, too, right? Those guys that kicked your ass after that party and behind your brother's?"

"You don't know that."

"I don't have proof, no, but don't be blind, Natsu. You know it's true. You have to cut her out if you know what's good for you, or one day, you're going to be walking down the street and instead of kicking your ass and leaving you in the gutter, they're going to kill you."

He scrunched up his face, partially out of anger, partially out of pain—Ultear had put the Iodine on his lip.

"Don't look like that."

"Like it fucking hurts?"

"Like you're planning on doing something stupid," she said bluntly. "It's not worth it."

"This is _three_ times—"

"And it will be more if you don't stop. Just forget about Lucy."

"I've been _trying_."

"Not very hard."

"How the fuck would you know, Ultear?" Natsu snapped.

She didn't get mad. "There are other things you can do than mope in Gildarts' house or workout until your sick."

Natsu felt betrayed. Zeref was selling all his secrets, and he didn't even like Ultear that much.

Ultear took the stub of her joint back and breathed in what she could. The roach went into the toilet where it fizzled wetly. She then grabbed Natsu by the back of the neck and pressed her lips to his. He didn't do very much, a little surprised and a little numb, but when she exhaled, he inhaled, and when she brushed her tongue against his, he let her.

"See?" she said when she pulled back. "There are nicer ways to get her out of your head."

Maybe she was right. She kissed him again and grabbed his cock through his pants, one of the few parts of his body that didn't hurt. She rubbed in long, even strokes.

Natsu watched her, taking note of all the things that were different between her and Lucy. She was dark where Lucy was light. Mean where Lucy was nice.

Ultear took off her shirt and her bra, leaving both on the counter, and squatted, never letting her knees touch the dirty floor. Natsu felt like someone else then. It was that separation that allowed him to undo his pants for her. He kept his hands on the counter while she sucked until he came.


	7. Chapter 7

Lonely souls, they love the pain

* * *

Tattoos, the good ones, had a story to tell. Everything from anniversaries to births to deaths to phobia homages. Dreams. Nightmares. Laughs and cartoons, childhood favourites. Natsu had seen some good ones and some bad ones and some in between that didn't mean _anything_. Generic butterflies and shakily-drawn crosses for people that had never, in all their lives, sat in a church.

His dad had one like that, and around it was his and Zeref's names. Natsu had loved that awful tattoo when he was small, and even into his teenage years, not because of what it _was_ , but what it represented: a time when their family had been whole.

He thought of that distantly now as he watched Ultear lean over Brandish and stencil in chain marks over her chest.

He didn't think it was sanitary but Ultear said that she'd done it before and pulled up her skirt to show him the rudimentary clock she'd inked into her leg. Her artistry skills could use some work, but her hand was steady enough and by the third chain link, Natsu admitted that it looked kind of good.

He slouched back on Erik's couch. He'd slept there for four days after his run-in with Lucy's cousin and had placated Zeref's incessant phoning with brief conversations here and there. He never talked for more than a few minutes; it felt weird talking to him when he was slurring his words and Zeref was giving him Adulting advice like _wear a condom_ and _make sure you have_ consent.

He'd denied his intentions once; Zeref was sure to call him out on the lie saying simply, "I know Ultear."

That was sobering enough that Natsu thought about gathering his things and just going home. It was _weird._ The whole fucking thing was _weird._ Ultear had been fucking Zeref or _wanting_ to fuck Zeref for as long as Natsu could recall. It didn't escape his notice, either, that she either turned out the lights or closed her eyes.

Then he'd have a couple of beers and get to a place where he found he didn't actually care.

"Alcohol?" Ultear prodded.

Natsu soaked a rag with vodka and handed it to her. She swiped it over Brandish's collarbones. She was done with that part. Brandish took off her sweater and shoved down her tank top without having to be asked, and she was suddenly bare.

Natsu watched Ultear continue to work and Brandish watched him. There was a faint smile on her mouth and her eyes were glossy with something other than alcohol. "Are you watching me?"

He lifted his shoulder in a shrug and Brandish's smile grew.

"Does it get you hot?"

Natsu didn't know what to say. "It's okay."

Ultear was still very much focused on looping the chain around Brandish's breast but she grinned.

"Have you never had two girls before?"

"I don't think Natsu's done much before," Ultear said.

"That's not true."

"Alright. Not much _fun_ ," she corrected.

"You were singing a different tune last night," Natsu said boldly. Erik cackled from the kitchen and made a lewd noise reminiscent of one of Ultear's.

"Ow," Brandish hissed when Ultear went too deep with the needle.

"Sorry."

Natsu automatically reached for the bottle of vodka he'd bought with the last of his cash and wetted more napkins. Ultear took them from his hands huffily and muttered, "Nothing like a little discretion."

"You were on my couch," Erik chimed in again. "Kinda hard to be discrete."

Ultear didn't look very embarrassed.

"I'm bored," Brandish said.

"I'm almost done." Ultear moved to the next side and started there. Brandish turned her head again against the brown and white flowered couch and stared at Natsu. Her short green hair staticed to the fabric.

"Do you like boys?"

"What?"

"I used to date a guy that liked to get fucked while I sucked his dick. I could do that for you, too, if you wanted."

"No," Natsu said. "No, thanks."

"You haven't even tried it."

"I don't have to," he responded. "I already know."

"What do you like, then?"

She was really forward and he didn't know how to handle it.

"You like this, obviously." She grabbed her breasts and squished them together.

"Stop moving; I'm trying to fucking work," Ultear said. "Do you want an infection because I pressed too hard?"

Her words meant nothing to Brandish. "You haven't stopped staring."

Natsu made a conscious effort to look at her eyes. Her hands, though, they grabbed his attention, moving between her and Ultear and stroking between her own legs. She was in tights and they didn't hide very much.

"You're fucking me up," Ultear said.

"The point is to fuck him up."

Then she was succeeding. He was cautiously hard. Girls like Brandish looked like trouble.

She reached over and dragged her hand up his leg, stopping at his cock head. Her fingers moved in slow, even strokes. "Do you like that?"

"Sure." But it took a moment of clearing his head and meeting Brandish's unwavering and sure expression for him to relax any. And then Erik and whoever it was he had in the kitchen laughed loudly and Natsu jumped.

Brandish laughed meanly. Could be, she was even more merciless than Ultear. Was that possible?

"What about this?" Brandish cupped Ultear's cheeks and brought her up for a long and slow kiss. Eventually, Ultear reached behind herself and dropped her needle and pen ink back on the coffee table, and when she was unencumbered, she applied herself more thoroughly, putting her hands in Brandish's hair and gyrating her hips in ways that Natsu knew were mind-numbing.

He was back to looking too long while Ultear gathered up Brandish's heavy breasts and squeezed, and Brandish was back to catching him. She turned her head and asked Natsu, "Well?" Her lips were swollen and pink.

"It's alright," Natsu said again.

Brandish grinned. "Take your cock out."

"Here?"

"Yeah."

There was still laughing from the kitchen. Natsu shook his head. "You want to go out?"

"No. It's cold out," she replied.

He settled deeper into the couch, determined not to make a fool out of himself but also not willing to move.

Brandish mused, "He's shy."

"He's just not like the other asshole you used to bring around."

Ultear sat up and took off her shirt. She'd returned home and changed a couple of times since his first night at Erik's but Natsu still recognized this bra. It was nice, like all of Ultear's things. There was no second-hand for her, nothing threadbare. He didn't understand how she ended up in a place like Erik's, or at his own apartment, in fact, when it was still a place her and people like her were welcomed, it didn't really seem like her crowd, but she always managed to find herself in these places and fit in well, like a chameleon.

Ultear inched down and licked Brandish's tightened nipples. They were Ultear's opposites, large and a darker shade of pink. After Natsu made that comparison, he tried hard not to make another with another girl he used to know.

Brandish leaned back against the couch languidly and got a purple glass pipe from her purse. It was ridged and the bowl was stained dark brown. She lit the bottom of the bowl and thick grey and pungent smelling smoke wafted out until she sucked on the end and breathed it in.

For all the drugs that had come through his house, Natsu didn't recognize this one.

"Black Pearl," Brandish explained on her exhale. Ultear took her mouth away from her skin to take a hit of her own. It came Natsu's way. He had questions. None of them felt important enough to invite more of Brandish's mean laughter.

He took the pipe and inhaled and almost died. The smoke clogged his throat and coiled in his lungs, as bad tasting as it had been smelling.

"I told you not to smoke that shit in here," came Erik's voice.

"Relax," Brandish said.

"No, put it out or get out." He disappeared.

Brandish took the pipe from Natsu and said, "That's enough, anyway."

Yes. Natsu's head was whirling and he was hyper-aware. For the first time in weeks, everything seemed easier.

Ultear had sunken so far down that she was on her knees between Brandish's legs and kissing her through her tights. Brandish moaned and Natsu's already whirling head whirled harder. He gripped the couch because he felt like he was going to fall off the world.

"Are you okay?" Brandish asked.

"I think so." If he breathed slowly.

She touched his leg and it helped him focus. He felt her fingers very acutely, inching up, touching his dick again and he got harder than he had before. Her thumb rolled back and forth over the head and he closed his eyes. Erik's house fell away, the people in the kitchen, all he had was heavy breathing and skilled fingers and Brandish's uneven voice telling him, "Take your cock out."

Natsu lifted his head and opened his eyes—a feat that seemed somehow both impossible and completely simple. Brandish was laying across the cushions, her head by his hips, still clothed from the waist down. Ultear's hand was inside the band of her pants and her fingers were swirling slowly and steadily.

"Natsu?" Brandish lifted her face and looked at him through a curtain of light green hair. "Take your cock out."

His fingers were almost too dexterous, working too quickly to get his pants undone. Once he'd managed, Brandish inched up and put a kiss on the shaft. He felt every nuance of her lips, her tongue.

Ultear sidled over. Her hair brushed Natsu's middle when she got on her knees, tickling, and her lips joined Brandish's. The pleasure increased double-fold. He closed his eyes and rode out the high, ignoring everything but this.

He came in someone's mouth, he couldn't say whose, though, that would involve opening his eyes and that was something that no longer seemed plausible because he was no longer in a place where every sensation was intensified. Now, everything was slower, his breathing, his heart, the knocking on the door, whosever hands that were grabbing his boxers and pulling them up over his cock. Slow motion. So, so far away.

"He's there," said Erik.

"Thanks. And thanks for calling."

Natsu couldn't determine why his brother was there.

"Hey, Zeref." Ultear sounded a little bit sheepish, a little bit haughty. Did she expect him to get mad and explode? Natsu wished he could tell her that Zeref's anger was a slow build and delivered on a cool front. He was the opposite of their father in that way; Natsu had gotten all of the hot-headedness.

"Move, please."

The body that had been keeping Natsu warm stirred. That was when the chills started, a quivering in his muscles that grew the more the seconds passed. Zeref muttered under his breath something that was likely a swear. Natsu felt his cheek get tapped.

"Mmhm."

"We're going home. Come on."

It took Zeref putting his arm around Natsu's back and pulling him up for Natsu to find the will to move.

"Hold up your pants."

Just like when they were kids, Natsu did what he was told. Through cracked eyelids, he watched Erik's floor move beneath his feet. Zeref was still in his boots; there were bits of slushy snow on the parquet flooring now.

"Here." Erik suddenly appeared in Natsu's line of sight, kneeling as he went through the shoes by the front door and came out with Natsu's battered work boots. He said something that made a laugh Natsu didn't recognize billow behind him. There were people watching. The people from the kitchen. Natsu bent and put his boots on himself, mostly. Zeref grabbed the back of his shirt to help him keep balance.

Erik stood and handed him a coat. It could have been anyone's and Natsu would have put it on. Then he held open the door and cold air rushed into the house, clearing some of the fog in Natsu's brain. The Dakota was sitting in the driveway, running.

The trek from the front door to the Dakota went by in a blur. Zeref put him in the passenger's seat and even undid the window. Natsu tried to do it back up when they were rolling. Zeref reached across the seats and swatted his hands away.

"You'll want it down."

"It's cold."

"Well, _I'll_ want it down."

Music was playing. Natsu recognized Iron Maiden. Guitar riffs rolled over him. They made him want to shiver, too. He tucked into his coat more. It smelled like pot and cigarette smoke and greasy food. His stomach roiled. He lifted his head out and sucked in a breath of cold, fresh air. Its effects were minimal. Zeref pushed on his shoulder and pointed his head towards the window and Natsu understood.

* * *

Until he woke up on it in only a pair of boxers, Natsu never thought much about their bathroom floor. He shaved and he swept it and that was about all. As sunlight came in through the small square window over the bathtub, he thought he might change that routine. Wash the floor once a week or something. Scrub the side of the toilet so the condensation didn't grab hair and fluff and keep it there. Put in a mat beside the toilet so if he made a habit out of this, he wasn't waking up with skin the same temperature as the cracked tile floor.

Turning his head brought into focus a peculiar sight. Blankets in the bathtub, and from those blankets was a shrilling alarm. He sat up slowly because the room spun and identified Zeref. His legs were out straight and his back was against the backsplash, a phone in his hand.

The alarm silenced.

"Why are you in the bathtub?"

"I do that sometimes; didn't you know?" Zeref employed a healthy amount of sarcasm. It was too much so soon into consciousness.

"Haha."

"Could be true, you haven't been home for almost a week." He cracked his neck loudly and stood.

"Could you put on some coffee?" Natsu asked hopefully.

"Do it yourself. I have to go to work."

"So early?"

"I'm walking."

"What's wrong with the Dakota?"

"You need to clean it. Interior and exterior. I left soap and a bucket out for you last night. It's by the front door."

Natsu sighed and rested his head on his bicep. He didn't stay there for very long; Zeref came over and kicked him aside. His intentions became clear and Natsu got the hell out of the way. He felt foggier standing. He put his arm against the wall and rested his head against it while Zeref pissed.

Zeref dropped the lid of the toilet and flushed it. "Rough, eh?"

"Mmhm."

He made sure to tell Natsu, "It's not because it was your first time. You might not be puking every time, but it'll get worse and worse. You'll either end up ODing or selling all of our shit just to get your next fix."

"Mmhm," Natsu said again.

Zeref grabbed his arm and turned him around so they were face-to-face. They weren't eye-to-eye, though. Natsu didn't remember gaining that extra inch on his brother. "We don't fuck with heroin. Right?"

Natsu nodded. It wasn't good enough for Zeref. "Tell me."

"We don't fuck with heroin," Natsu repeated. Was that brief moment of ecstasy really worth the comedown?

If he didn't think about how that ecstasy felt, he could say no.

 


	8. Chapter 8

I'm in love with a dying man

* * *

The first party Natsu ever went to was outdoors. He was twelve tagging along with his eighteen-year-old brother because Zeref was supposed to be babysitting one Saturday night and didn't want to alter his plans.

Natsu remembered few things about that night but he could say with certainty that the air was cool and soggy. The beginnings of May were always touch-and-go. It smelled sweet, though, like dandelion, and a bit actinic, like damp wood fire smoke, and acrid, like cigarettes. Sour, like homemade beer full of too many hops. Pungent, like sweat. And full of loud, raucous laughter. The kind Natsu had never heard before but suddenly _loved._

In ways, he relived that night every time he came to a party like this and his fond memory was bolstered. The precise events escaped his mind but Natsu filled them in one bit at a time. The guys tapping a keg by the bridge could have been straight from that night long ago. The girl he danced with? She could be the same one, swooping in with a smile and a cigarette to tempt twelve-year-old Natsu with. That girl had spilled out of her shirt then and this girl was doing the same.

He didn't get her name when she wanted him to fuck her by the fire and thought he didn't care, either, but Ultear sat down beside him and nudged his arm roughly, making Natsu sway wildly and his lap ornament spill her beer.

"Hell."

"Shove off, Barbie," Ultear said definitively. When the girl told her something rude, Ultear verily pushed her and watched the calamity when the blonde fell to the ground and dumped out the rest of her drink.

"You're such a bitch," the girl said when she'd gotten upright and stormed off.

Natsu looked after the blonde's retreating figure. "What the hell, Ultear?"

Ultear was unaffected. "She was just using you. Jenny hits guys up for bud and then splits, it's her MO."

Natsu sighed and propped his fist in his hand. Two people swung into view. Zeref and Angel. She'd reappeared last week; Natsu had caught her leaving early one day. She hadn't said anything and neither had Zeref and Natsu figured that it wasn't any of his business.

Ultear grabbed Natsu by the face and kissed him so hard, her teeth mashed into his lip. He pushed her away. She fixed her lipstick and glanced at Zeref. He only looked at them briefly, a press of his lips but otherwise, unperturbed.

Ultear huffed. "I'm bored."

"So? I'm not."

"Really? Because your date's gone and you're sitting here alone."

"Thanks to you."

She acted like he hadn't spoken. "Sting's got a hot tub back at his house. Let's go."

"Zeref said not to go to the house."

"Zeref said? What are you, twelve?"

Natsu's neck heated. "Because if the cops were going to raid, they'd hit there first."

"Cops aren't going to raid," Ultear said.

"They might."

"Not fucking likely. Come on."

"I don't have anything to go in the hot tub with."

Ultear looked at him scornfully and Natsu caught her meaning. She stood and grabbed his bicep. Natsu lumbered to his feet and avoided his brother's eye.

* * *

Sting's parents were the kind of rich that got you a mansion in a forest in the heart of an urban centre. Disgustingly, disgustingly rich. So rich that they had a gardener who had spent the first week of spring cleaning up the gardens for college students to puke in. They'd be paid to clean that up, too, Natsu bet.

The house was a cold monster that was by far posher than anything Natsu had ever stepped inside, save, of course, Lucy's modern, urban mansion. Both were brick, both had driveways made for expensive cars, both had a wide array of windows. Both of them had hot tubs and more floors and rooms than they knew what to do with, more staff than they had names for.

Natsu immediately hated the house. He was fascinated by it, too, though, and all the things Sting had always had and Natsu had only ever thought of in fleeting ways when he watched pretensions movies or read such books.

The driveway was packed with cars and every light seemed to be on inside. Music blared. Something Natsu didn't recognize. Rap, maybe? People could be seen dancing in the windows, though, holding drinks and shirts in some cases and a variety of other things.

"It's this way." Ultear led him around the north wall to the back of the house where a huge deck spread out over a huge backyard cleared of everything except a few budding apple trees. Laughter spiraled out of a massive gazebo.

The tonality back here was more relaxed than what Natsu had spotted inside, but also teetering on the precipice of something wild. A voice wavered out of someone's phone. Natsu had a hard time focusing on the music over quiet laughter.

"Much better," Ultear said and took off her coat as she climbed the stairs. Natsu trailed after her more slowly. There were three people in the hot tub. He recognized Sting and Rogue and Brandish.

Brandish saw them first and waggled her fingers, dripping hot water. "Hey."

"Hi."

"Welcome." Sting pointed behind his head to an outdoor linen closet. "Towels are there, drinks are there, bong is there, five bucks if you want to smoke."

Ultear said, "Steep."

"Yeah? Zancrow smoked all the herb last time and didn't pay a thing."

"Like you can't afford it," Ultear muttered.

"I can't when everyone thinks like that," Sting replied. Natsu bet he didn't even see his own bank account; guys like him got a stipend from Daddy and that was it.

"I have some H," Brandish said. "I won't make you pay."

Natsu's skin tingled. He suppressed the feeling. He hadn't smoked since that first time weeks ago.

Sting gave Brandish a dirty look. "Fuck, Brandish. I'm trying to make a buck here."

She took a superior attitude. "You don't make money off your friends."

"Yeah. You don't give them garbage heroin, either."

"If it's such garbage, why does Ultear prefer it?" Brandish asked.

"Because it's free."

"The best things in life are."

Ultear's grin showed teeth. "She's just looking out for me."

Sting rolled his eyes. "Shut up and get in if you're getting in."

Ultear dropped all of her clothes right there on the deck and sunk into the hot tub without an ounce of shame. Natsu stood there awkwardly. Ultear looked back over her shoulder. "Aren't you coming in?"

Natsu hesitated for a moment, then followed Ultear's lead and stripped down to his underwear. Ultear and the rest of the tub teased him until he took those off, too. Why the hell not?

Once he was situated, Sting handed him a bottle of gin that Natsu drank straight from the neck. His belly warmed and his head spun almost too quickly. The conversation picked up again, though Natsu had a hard time focusing on what was being said.

Brandish caught his eye and made sure he was looking at her when she leaned into Ultear and kissed her. It was different watching them with a wider audience. Less comfortable, maybe? Whatever it was, it didn't last for long. Brandish stopped and Natsu felt relief.

Then she slid toward him and climb into his lap and he was back to being uncomfortable again.

"Touch me," she commanded and Natsu took her very naked hips. Brandish leaned into him. Her skin was slick and hot and her mouth tasted like chapstick and alcohol.

Natsu felt everyone's eyes on him. It killed it. He leaned away; she wouldn't let him get far, biting his lip and then his chin and his neck. She sighed and the sound made his dick stiff. There was no hiding that; Brandish shimmied her hips back and forth teasingly.

"Come on, Natsu. You're not still shy, are you?"

"No," Natsu lied.

"Do you want some pearl?"

A chasm opened in his chest. _We don't fuck with heroin. We don't._ Especially when he'd had it _once_ and it had left such a strong impression. "It didn't agree with me last time."

"This is better stuff," she whispered.

He said nothing either way.

"Get it, Ultear." Brandish reached between Natsu's legs and stroked.

It wasn't long until the smell of something pungent filled the air. Natsu looked over Brandish's shoulder and watched Ultear with a lighter. Rogue took it when she offered. Sting passed. It came their way. Brandish gave it to Natsu first. He wavered, then, decidedly, shook his head.

"Good man," Sting said and grabbed the bong behind him. This he presented to Natsu without demanding he buy in.

Brandish slid away from him with only a sardonic smile. Back she went to Ultear and began her ministrations again. Natsu didn't know where else to look. The ceiling seemed too awkward. Out into the yard? He thought there were people out there doing much the same and it felt like he was spying on them without their knowledge. He drank more gin. He couldn't be doing that for very long, though, because shortly, he'd be too drunk to get out of the tub.

Brandish lifted herself out of the water enough to snag Natsu's attention. She gave her breasts to Ultear and moaned loudly. That was fine. Then she got up out of the tub so she could put her knees on either side of Ultear's shoulders, giving Ultear access to lick between her legs.

He watched for too long. Long enough for Rogue to join in from the other side. Long enough for Sting to grab between Rogue's legs. That was when Natsu decided that was enough. More than.

He got out and no one seemed to notice. He dried quickly and dressed quickly, too, then tried the back sliding glass door. It opened into a part of the house that would have been dark except a small nightlight was plugged into the wall, illuminating a fridge, a stove, and a girl that was sitting on the counter.

Once he identified her, he turned right back around and would have gone outside again, but a look out the door showed Natsu exactly which guy Brandish used to date. He resigned himself to this hell.

"Hi, Natsu."

"Hey."

Lucy lowered herself from the counter and fixed her skirt around her legs and her shirt. "I didn't know you were coming tonight."

"I wasn't going to," he said.

"Your girlfriend convinced you to come?"

She was prying, Natsu knew, and he knew the smart thing to say would be _yes_ , but when he moved his stupid mouth, it was to tell Lucy, "I don't have a girlfriend."

Firmly, Lucy said, "Good," and Natsu didn't know what to say. He knew even less when she admitted, "I saw you out there. In the hot tub."

Natsu felt his neck heat. "You shouldn't spy on people."

She ignored him. "Some of these people are crazy."

"We're the same," he said to hurt her and to make her leave.

She shook her head. "If that was true, you wouldn't be in here with me." Someone gasped out in the gazebo. Natsu flinched; Lucy noticed and pounced. "Is there anyone at your apartment right now?"

"Why?"

"Because neither of us wants to stay here," she said.

Natsu imagined her in his bed again. It was too easy. He clenched his jaw and crushed the imagery. "If you're uncomfortable, you should go home. Call your dad to pick you up or something."

She smiled a little. "He's out of town for a while fighting a professional misconduct lawsuit."

Natsu couldn't help himself. "Oh yeah?"

She shrugged. "I may have let slip that he was keeping fifty-thousand dollars that were seized by law enforcement from his client."

He didn't know much about law but figured that was bad. "Why would you do that?"

"Because I was mad," she said plainly. "He tried bullying me and I didn't want to be bullied."

Natsu quashed his smile. Just because Jude was preoccupied didn't mean the field was clear of landmines. "Then you should call your cousin. I'm sure he'll come out for you."

Lucy screwed up her face. "Jellal?"

"Yeah."

She held her head high. "He's busy. He always is the first night he gets into town."

Someone outside laughed; Ultear, maybe. Lucy's eyes drifted to the window. Whatever she saw there fascinated her and scared her and made her uncomfortable all at once. She focused on Natsu again. "Just take me home with you."

"No, thanks." Natsu started to step around her. Lucy pressed her hand against his chest and he stopped. Everything else was _harder_ after that, like grabbing her wrists and stopping her from putting her fingers in his hair. Impossible. Refusing her when she stood on tiptoe and kissed his mouth. Out of the question.

"Then we'll stay here," she muttered against his mouth and Natsu said _nothing._

Lucy started undoing her shirt. Each button was popped open and an inch of skin was revealed. Her breasts spilled out, held aloft in a green lacy bra that was built for one thing only—to make her body look good.

Then this new, forceful Lucy took his hands and put them on her breasts.

"You need to stop, Lucy," he said.

"I don't want to. Do you want me to?"

"That's what I said."

"No. You said I needed to. It's different. Tell me now."

His mouth wouldn't move for anything but her kiss. Lucy grabbed between his legs and Natsu's head whirled. He closed his eyes and let it happen. Lucy expelled a quavering breath. "I don't want to go another two months without talking to you. Without doing this. It was driving me crazy."

Natsu pushed against her; she hit the counter and it was a surprise, he hadn't realized he was bringing her that way. Lucy took her skirt and pulled that up over her backside. He was able to grab as much skin as he wanted; there was only a thong in the way.

The glass door slid open. Natsu didn't think much about it but then he heard Zeref's voice say, "We gotta go, Natsu."

Lucy went stiff as a board and Natsu swore. He searched the still-dark room for Zeref and found him by the door. "Give me a minute."

"No. We have to go now."

"I'm _busy_." Making horrible, horrible decisions.

Zeref said, "Gildarts just called me. Someone called in a complaint because some asshole made a huge fire in the field. You don't have a minute to be _busy_ no matter how fast you are."

Natsu's brain was slow digesting that. Eventually, it caught on, though. "The cops are coming to check it out?"

"Yeah."

Natsu pulled away from Lucy. She grabbed his hand to keep him there; he slipped from her grasp and fixed his shirt and smoothed back his hair. He felt more rational afterwards. "Do you have a ride home?"

She looked like she was going to be stubborn.

"A guy named Loke brought her," Zeref said into the silence. "I already found him and told him what's going on."

"What, are you spying on me?" Lucy asked incredulously.

"No. Everyone saw you come in, everyone knows Loke and his big mouth and _I_ know that you'd never leave otherwise."

A door leading into a brighter—and louder—part of the house opened and a redhead came through.

"Lucy? We gotta split."

That must have been Loke, Natsu determined. He hated him already. It was probably the glasses and the sport jacket and the casually tousled hair. And the confident, casual way he took Lucy's hand and pulled her back away from Natsu. The familiar way he took off his jacket and gave it to her, saying, "No time to get decent."

"Wait—" Lucy began. Loke was shoving her between her shoulder blades.

Natsu opened his mouth to say something; Zeref smacked him in the shoulder and took him by the sleeve of his shirt. "Now."

The door closed behind Lucy and Loke and the moment had passed, unless he chased after them. Zeref wasn't allowing for it, keeping a firm hold and only releasing him after they'd left the house, passed over the now empty deck, and cut through the forest trail to where they'd parked the Dakota on a backstreet.

Natsu didn't speak until they were most of the way home. "You knew she was going to be there. That's why you told me not to go up to the house. It wasn't about the cops at all, was it?"

Zeref kept his eyes ahead. "Angel mentioned it."

"You should have said something."

"I thought you might have gone looking for her if you knew."

Yeah. Maybe. He hadn't known, though, and the results were still the same. His carefulness over the last few weeks hadn't paid out a damned thing. He could still taste Lucy on his lips and it was like they hadn't been apart at all.

Natsu put his head against the window and watched the streets go by, scheming of ways to repair the damage.


	9. Chapter 9

Love let my nightmares turn into dreams

* * *

There were stars on the ceiling, the kinds parents spent too much on in department stores and stuck on with sticky tack. They used to glow bright green when the lights went out, now they blinked weakly for about ten minutes before fading.

Natsu hadn't been the one to put them up, but they'd been there for as long as he could remember. Gildarts had bought this house when Natsu was still a kid, barely old enough to tie his shoes; it was supposed to be his family home, a fixer-upper that he worked on in his time off, though he still had his townhouse, because he and his wife wanted to get pregnant and they had Rosie and they needed more room.

Before the renovations were done, things started to fall apart because, from what Natsu understood, they couldn't have a baby. The information was second-hand, whispered around the kitchen table at dinner time and then translated for Natsu by Zeref.

Things were tense but they tried to make a go of it for almost two years, in which time Gildarts worked more often than not. Eventually, though, enough was enough. Cornelia moved out, they sold the townhouse and Gildarts moved into the cottage.

Natsu never asked if he put the stars on the ceiling before or after the move, it seemed intentionally cruel and he didn't like the way Gildarts' face scrunched up at the mention of it.

The football he was throwing hit one of those stars and they came crashing down on him, hitting him square between the eyes. He swore.

"Alright?" Gildarts asked from the kitchen over the sound of Led Zeppelin.

"Yeah." Natsu found the star over his head on the flat pillow Gildarts left in his guest room.

Gildarts appeared in the doorway. "Those things are always falling down." He didn't mention the football. "Watch your eyes."

"Mmhm."

"In fact, it'd be best if you get out here and help me, lazy ass."

"Doing?"

"Making dinner. I need you to peel potatoes."

"Are you cooking Shepherd's Pie again?" Natsu groaned.

"My house, my rules, and it's one of three things I cook," Gildarts said defensively. "Come on. There's beer in the fridge."

That was a nice way of telling him to stop moping.

Natsu didn't immediately move. Gildarts came in and made like he needed help up, grabbing his hand and tugging him vertical, then he led him out of the room to the kitchen sink. Natsu washed his hands, Gildarts gave him a towel to dry off and then handed off a potato peeler and some Yukon Golds.

They worked in silence for a little while, Gildarts chopping carrots and Natsu dumping the peels in the green bin. Then Gildarts asked, "Is it snow?"

"Yeah." As soon as cocaine got involved, gone was Zeref's 'clean house' rule. He could say what he wanted about heroin but that fine white powder was his real paramour. He'd go for months without it and then it'd crop back up in his life again and he'd become unreasonable.

"How long?"

"Two days. He missed work today." Angel was still over and Zeref had locked himself in his room, acting like Natsu didn't know he was on one of his legendary seven-day binges.

Gildarts sighed. "I'll open up the Bunkie so you don't have to see me in my gauchies in the morning."

"Don't worry about it, I'll find somewhere else to crash tonight," Natsu said.

"It's fine," Gildarts said. "I like having you here. Rosie does, too."

"Because I save her scraps," Natsu said to smooth the moment that shouldn't have been awkward but was, somehow.

"She's a traitor, all's you have to do is offer the right price."

At the sound of her name, Rosie came to Natsu's feet and sat. He snuck her a potato peel just to see if she'd eat it. She chewed it up and spat it out on his sock. After an accusing look, she waddled over to Gildarts and flopped down at his feet.

"So?" Gildarts asked. "Are you going to tell me why you're so bummed?"

"My apartment's a zoo?" Natsu suggested.

"It's not just that. You've been in the dumps for weeks."

He couldn't think of a good reason to lie. "Lucy's done school for the summer and she's coming back to Magnolia." He'd hoped after she'd ratted out her dad he'd send her off somewhere else but it seemed that enough money got you out of anything and once the charges were dropped, Jude was a forgiving man.

"Still not talking to her, eh?"

Natsu thought of the compromising pictures she sent to his email every day; it was turning into a hoard and the worst part was, he was looking forward to them and had been after the first day he'd opened his email on his phone and dropped the stupid thing in the sink. He'd never been more thankful for waterproof cases, though he did sort of wish that it'd been ruined, that way, he wouldn't be temped to open those photos every night when the lights went out.

"Something like that."

Gildarts looked over his shoulder and used his cop stare. It made Natsu want to fidget. With no more prompting, he spilled, "She keeps contacting me. She won't drop it."

"Have you told her to stop?"

"I haven't said anything to her."

"There's your problem. Lucy's a smart girl, she's reasonable. If you really don't want to talk to her anymore, just tell her."

The last time he'd tried that, he was tearing at her clothes and trying to fuck her on Sting's counter. It was better to just stay away completely.

* * *

Five days after Gildarts opened up his dusty Bunkie and cleaned it out for Natsu, Natsu received a call from his mother. He watched the phone buzz loudly across the coffee table, blocking out the sounds of Die Hard. He wavered, twice on the verge of answering, but in the end, he let it go to voicemail. She didn't leave a message.

He couldn't focus on the rest of the movie after that and when it was through, he took Rosie for a walk. She waddled along slowly, old now. By the time he got her back home, his mother had called again. She still hadn't left a message. He texted Zeref and got no reply. Who was to say if it was because he was jittering in his room or out? _Or he could be dead._ People OD'd all the time when they went on binges. _And that's why Mom's calling._

It was irrational, but Natsu was suddenly convinced that's what happened. He scrawled a letter for Gildarts and left it on the kitchen table, then locked the doors behind him and ran most of the way home, though his work boots weren't good for it.

The apartment was dark when Natsu, sweaty and exhausted, entered; it smelled like stale food and cigarette smoke and beer, and Zeref's shoes were missing from the entryway. There were empties by the door; that was a good sign. Zeref had started to clean up some.

Natsu dropped his coat on one of the couches and checked the kitchen. There were dishes in the sink and the fridge had been left open a crack. Natsu peeked inside. An entire pizza box that looked like it'd been there all week was the only thing that greeted him, besides a carton of milk.

He closed the door and filled up the sink so the dishes could soak, then he checked the bathroom. It was a mess but manageable. He tidied that, too. His room was next on the agenda. His bed was not the way he left it, the sheets were twisted up on the floor and there was a pair of pink panties thrown on top of them. He picked those up with a pair of disposable chopsticks he found in a drawer in the kitchen and threw everything right in the garbage. He wanted to do the same with the sheets but they were the only pair he had so he went to Zeref's room, a disaster area that smelled like sweat and unwashed clothes, to hunt for money for the laundromat.

He turned on the overhead light and a lump in the bed moved. He thought it was Zeref at first but then he saw strands of platinum hair and decided that was Angel. He worked quickly and quietly, tiptoeing over to Zeref's once-tidy dresser and went through the few books he kept on his desk, _Tithe, Desperation,_ and _The Ocean at the End of the Lane_. Just like he thought, he found the money stuffed into _Desperation_ 's pages, though it wasn't nearly as much as he was expecting. Zeref usually had a five-hundred-dollar float but there was only twenty there.

He closed the book again without taking the money and exited, closing the door behind himself.

Natsu got to work tidying the kitchen. There were cigarette butts fizzled out in McDonald's drink cups and water bottles half-drunk and left on the table. A few loose coins floated around and loose papers, too. Mail. Natsu picked up one and it was their cellphone bill. The numbers were in the red and had been since the last time the bill was paid, back at the beginning of March.

He dropped that and found a credit card statement. It, too, was way, way in the red. He tidied all that up, stacking the papers neatly, and then washed the dishes. Halfway through, his phone rang again. Natsu sighed and answered it this time.

"Hey, Mom."

"Natsu, I've been trying to call you for hours."

"Yep. Saw that." He dropped a bowl into the drying rack too hard and it cracked. He glowered at the offending piece of china.

"Oh, so you were ignoring me?"

"Just busy. What's up?"

She cut right to the chase, always no-nonsense. "I need the money back I lent you two, Zeref said he'd have it in a week and it's been two and your Dad's starting to ask about it."

None of what she said surprised him, but it made him mad all the same. "So he can go spend it on a fucking slot machine?"

"Don't talk to me like that."

"We might as well just not even talk then."

" _Don't_ hang up on me."

There was a tone in her voice that made Natsu hesitate; it was like he was a kid again.

When she next spoke, her voice was more gentle. "Tell your brother he needs to get me that money as soon as possible, Natsu. We need to pay the land taxes this month."

"How much is it?"

"Six hundred."

 _That_ gross sum didn't surprise him, either, somehow. "I'll tell him."

"Thank you. I love you."

"Love you," he wrenched out and hung up.

He stared at the kitchen sink for what felt like a long time. He heard Zeref's bedroom door open, and the bathroom door close. He could hear Angel peeing through the thin wall, too. He huffed and threw the sponge into the sink and went to the living room where the barriers were a little thicker.

Angel stopped in the doorway a moment later and looked in on him; she was in a pair of blue underwear and a tank top and that was it. "Hey."

"Hi."

"I heard you talking."

"I think you should go home, Angel," Natsu said shortly.

She acted like he hadn't spoken. "I have methamphetamines. We'll split the profit, seventy-thirty."

"What?"

"All you have to do is make the trade," she said. "I can't risk being seen and no one knows your face. It'll be easy."

"I'm not selling your stolen drugs."

"You'll make back at least half of what Zeref owes your parents and probably enough to pay your cellphone bill off, too. One night, minimum risk," she dangled the offer like a piece of steak. "You just need to go to a party and meet up with a friend of mine."

Natsu was on the verge of shaking his head but then his phone rang again and it wasn't his mother's name on the screen but an _F. Dragneel_. He pressed end on the call and dropped into the spongy couch cushion. Angel read him like a book and, with a smile, came to sit beside him.

* * *

 


	10. Chapter 10

And I can't make love in my grave

* * *

Some rich man bought a decommissioned distillery factory in old town and reopened it as a nightclub called _Tartarus_. It was a long and rectangular room with a massively tall ceiling open so all the duct work could be seen. In and amongst that, laser lights had been installed. They pulsed in time with some throbbing music Natsu didn't know, something without words that seemed to live and breathe.

There were booth tables snugged up against the walls and lamplights fused to the tabletops. The centre floor was for dancing and people did that in droves. It was a madhouse. He saw men pass gold pills to each other on tongues. He saw hands and bodies and no boundaries, he saw someone get hit and he saw someone get kissed, all within steps of each other.

A person bumped into him and he had to clutch the bag of stolen drugs to his chest through his leather jacket to keep from throwing them all over the ground. He was so nervous he was cold sweating. The only other time he could remember feeling this way was when he was fifteen and tried to tell Lucy they should be something more than friends. The memories clashes and he felt like he was splitting at the seams. Who was Natsu Dragneel? The guy that parked with Lucy on the grass and looked at the stars in the sky or the guy that ran drugs stolen from the hospital?

The cold sweat turned to snakes coiling in his belly. They writhed over one another with dry scales and made his stomach heavy. His sweating reached new levels, and now his mouth was starting to water.

_Keep it together_ , he told himself, and then again aloud. It didn't help.

There was a bathroom across the club. He barreled through the crowd, using his weight and shoulders to his advantage. Someone shoved him when he dug his elbow into their back; he barely felt it. Someone else tried to dance with him. He deked around her. Someone offered him a cube of sugar soaked in acid and he pushed their hand away. The acid dropped and the person went with it, scrabbling to snag it from the floor before it was lost.

The crowd thinned and then broke apart and Natsu felt like he was coming up for air. He beelined it to the door marked M and tumbled inside the empty washroom.

Green fluorescent lights shone on graffitied stalls and checkered back and white tiled floors and walls. There were two mirrors. Natsu caught a glimpse of himself in one. He was saturated with sweat and looked peaky.

He cranked on the cold water and stuck his head beneath the faucet, clutching the bag to his chest all the while. The cold water cleared his mind and cut through his cold sweat. He sputtered and shook the hair from his eyes. Runners of water snuck down the collar of his jacket and into his T-shirt, too.

He grabbed some hand towels and dried; his hair stuck up at odd angles. When he looked at himself in the mirror, he saw the kid that played with Rosie in Gildarts' backyard. He saw the one that liked to hide in the snowbanks. The one that wore Zeref's pretend dragons tooth around his neck because his big brother told him so.

None of this felt right.

The sink's porcelain was cold and dug into his hand as he leaned forward and pep-talked himself in the mirror. "It's only once. You'll make the trade, get the money, and you'll get out. You'll be fine. Everything will be fine. People do this all the time. _Zeref_ does it all the time. You're good."

His phone buzzed in his pocket and his heart leapt into his throat. He took it out and saw Gildarts had texted a picture of Rosie with three marshmallows stuffed in her cheeks. Natsu let all of his breath out and leaned against the wall. He didn't know whether to laugh or scream. Or just to text Gildarts a picture of the drugs, his location, his supplier and the person he was selling to.

_Mom and Dad would still be out of their money and if you don't do this, you know Zeref will._ He was already on a precarious perch. He didn't need help sliding off.

The door opened and a tall guy in a mesh shirt stumbled through, he was laughing at something a girl still in the club said. He sobered and disappeared into the stall. The toilet flushed a minute later and the guy remerged and Natsu still hadn't moved.

"Hey, are you alright?"

_You, he's talking to you_ , Natsu realized and cleared his throat. "Fine. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yep."

"Well, stay away from the girl with the pigtails. She's selling some weird shit. You look like you could lay off it."

"Sure. Thanks," he said.

The guy left. Natsu stood straight; his jacket stuck to the wall and creaked, his stolen drugs rustled. "You can do this." It wasn't that big of a deal. Drugs came and went out of his apartment all the time. And this time, he'd be taking the money and putting it toward something useful.

Natsu slicked back his hair and dried his hands on his pants then got out of there before he lost his nerve.

The club was fuller now than it was a minute ago. The music was different and yet somehow, more of the same. Voiceless, synthetic, upbeat. He saw the girl with the pigtails he was warned about; she had glow sticks threaded through her hairbands and her tongue ring glowed when she laughed with a wide-open mouth. He gave her a wide berth and went to the bar as directed.

A man in thick eyeliner and a cat-eared headband served him a beer and Natsu went to the stool at the very end. There was someone where he was supposed to be sitting. He asked them to move and when they told him to fuck off, he accidentally bumped into them when they were lifting their drink to their mouth. It spilled all down their front. He was screamed at and called a plethora of things he'd never heard of before, but the guy left without a physical altercation. That was good, he didn't want to pause for a moment to take off his jacket, hide his drugs in it, and then throw down. Chances were, he'd get his ass kicked out of the club and everything would be fucked.

Natsu occupied the seat and drank all of his beer in two huge gulps. The bartender returned with another. He downed that one in record time, too, simply because he didn't know what to do with his hands. By the time he was sucking on the dregs, a guy had wandered over. He was huge by any standard and forced Natsu to scoot over because he took up so much room at the bar.

"Salty Dog," the man told the bartender and she rushed to get it for him.

Natsu kept his eyes straight ahead. "You're Angel's friend?"

The man didn't respond. Natsu thought he hadn't heard him but then he felt something poke into his ribs. He looked down and was relieved to see money. He took it as subtly as one could take a large stack like that and replaced it with the drugs. The bag disappeared into large hands.

The man's drink came. He paid, stood, and disappeared into the crowd. Relieved laughter bubbled in Natsu's throat. He let it out otherwise he thought he'd explode.

He put money on the bar for his beer and thought to leave but when he turned, he saw a familiar head of copper hair and a pair of sunglasses. He would have known that face anywhere but the blonde at his side confirmed Natsu's suspicion.

Lucy didn't see him right away, in fact, she was at the bar minding her own business and he should have been leaving to mind his own, too, but he was pulled in. He returned to his seat and ordered another beer. It was weird to watch her; he was doing it anyway.

She laughed at something Loke said while the bartender got them drinks. Lucy got long island, as usual. She paid for her own. It seemed like a stupid thing to be thankful for after everything but he was.

Natsu lifted his beer to his mouth and the movement caught her attention. Her eyes narrowed in on him and he felt his stomach flop with excitement and nervousness. She said something to Loke then slipped through the crowd and to Natsu's side well before he could figure out how to escape.

"I missed you," she said plainly and tried to kiss him. He turned from her.

"We can't do that here, Lucy. Someone might see."

_Someone might see? That_ was his excuse?

He expected her to get mad and tell him to fuck off but she took his wrist and led him away from the bar, through a small crowd of people, and through an unmarked door into a hallway that was dark except for the smears of glow in the dark paint splattered on the wall and glow sticks wrapped around other bodies. Lucy had one on her waist. She placed Natsu's hand on it and leaned back against the wall. He followed her, for some reason, and pressed into her.

Lucy's lips laid against his ear. "Better?"

"It wasn't really what I had in mind."

"So you _don't_ want to be here?"

"It's not so simple."

"It could be. Let's start again. I missed you."

He wasn't sure _what_ he was doing telling her the same but it wasn't anything good. She smiled, though, and he thought it was worth it.

"Did you get my pictures?"

"Yeah."

"Did you like them?"

"Lucy…"

"Yes, or no?"

"Of course yes, but you shouldn't send them."

"I should because I want to. It's not hurting anyone and no one knows. Like no one knows we're here."

"Your dad—"

"Thinks I'm out at the movies with Loke."

"He's okay with that?" It felt so unfair. Loke looked like he crawled out of a slutty cologne ad.

Lucy shrugged. "I don't care _what_ he's okay with."

If that were true, she wouldn't be lying to him about her whereabouts. He didn't get a chance to tell her so, she slid her cheek against his and kissed him and most of his uncertainties fell away. Lucy was right, no one knew that they were there, the hallway was dark, and today was a _good_ day. He made the sale without a hitch, he found Lucy, no thugs were there to break his legs. Everything was going right. The universe was giving him everything he thought he needed.

All he had to do was bend and break the flimsy rules he'd made for himself.

It was easier in the neon-accented dark. He couldn't see anything but the slight sheen of Lucy's hair and the white of her shirt, and then the white of her skin when he pushed the shirt up and touched her generous waist. She was all exaggerated dips and curves and he was hungry for them.

Lucy hitched her leg around his waist and he pushed into her. She moaned against his mouth. He kissed her lips bruised and his head empty and pawed at her. She allowed for it to get so far that he was rubbing her through her panties and she was pushing into his fingers.

Someone gasped loudly just a few short steps away and Natsu refocused. He stopped his ministrations; Lucy huffed and put his hand back between her legs.

"Lucy—we're in a hallway." And his eyes were starting to adjust now. There were four other groups of people in here and all of them were doing something similar.

Lucy straightened. "Come on."

He followed her further down the hall because he seemed to be trapped under some crazed spell. She seemed to know where she was going and went through a door he hadn't seen. It led into an office with a small desk, a lamp, and a computer. Everything was turned off.

Lucy closed the door and turned the lock. When she faced him again, there was something wild in her eyes that he didn't recognize but liked; it matched the chaos his life was now.

She stripped off her shirt to the bra beneath. It was too dark to see its proper colour but Natsu thought it was black. Her skirt was treated likewise. Her underwear matched the bra.

Natsu tried to be reasonable. "We're in someone's office."

"I know."

"You're family—"

"Fuck them and fuck me."

Rationality backfired on him. Her confidence made him hot and stupid. He welcomed her hands pulling at his clothing and got on his knees for her when she pushed on his shoulder, where he pulled aside her panties and licked between her legs in the way she liked best. No one knew Lucy like he did. She was shaking and moaning in moments and coming shortly after that.

She sank into his lap and took him inside effortlessly. Zeref's voice telling him to be smart was so, so distant, the bruises he'd gotten at the hands of Lucy's family were long healed.

 


	11. Chapter 11

And I love you so much, I'm gonna let you kill me

* * *

Despite entering the apartment in the wee hours of the morning, Angel was awake and waiting for him. She sat cross-legged on the couch in a hoodie and a pair of pink panties and scrolled through her phone. The pale light shining up and dancing over her cheekbones and lashes made her look like a skeleton—a beautiful one, but a skeleton all the same.

She unfolded herself and the tired cushions sighed. "Any problems?"

Natsu thought of Lucy's mouth leaving marks on his neck and her body closing on his like a warm and velvety glove. "No."

Angel's teeth shone in the headlights of a car sipping down the road. "Good."

Natsu took out her money and gave it over. She counted quickly. "You didn't even skim. Gee, Natsu, you're such a good boy."

He didn't feel like one at that moment; he didn't recognize himself.

Oblivious to his turmoil, Angel divvied up the money, putting almost four hundred in his hand. Accepting it, Natsu's cheeks were hot and his heart was pounding again almost as hard as it had been when he sat at the bar. He hurried away from her, closing himself in his bedroom. He hid the money beneath his single mattress and it was almost like out-of-sight, out-of-mind. His heart stopped palpitating, at least.

He stripped off his clothes and climbed between the sheets. Adrenaline and memories of Lucy clashed together, making it hard to sleep.

* * *

He was passed out by the time Zeref left for work the next morning, which meant he could spare himself an inquisition. Not that he thought Zeref was going to rake him over the coals for going out anyway, he'd come home, after all, and that's what Zeref cared about most. Natsu just didn't like lying to his brother. And not for the traditional reasons.

Zeref always seemed to know. Like when Natsu was sixteen and took their parents' car in the middle of the night, without a fully-licenced driver to accompany his learners permit. He'd been so careful, rolling it out of the driveway with Erik, the lights off, and not starting it until they were on the street. They'd taken it to a house party Natsu hadn't even drunk at and brought it back two hours later the same way they'd taken it out.

Zeref had been waiting on the porch with an unlit cigarette in hand, blending in with the shadows until Natsu was reaching for the front door, and then he'd piped up, scaring Natsu so bad, he thought he'd pee himself. He gave Natsu an earful.

Getting caught that night had seemed like the worst thing that ever could have happened, but sixteen-year-old Natsu hadn't endured much. He hadn't been beaten to the point of hospitalization for loving a girl he shouldn't, he hadn't been arrested and threatened by a man too rich for his own good, he hadn't sold drugs to some unknown, for them to end up _who knew_ where. Nor had he ever woken up to his brother's girlfriend parachuting speed at the kitchen table. She had coffee ready for him, though, and didn't ask any questions when he stepped outside into the pouring and freezing, rain.

He stopped at the bank on the way and deposited the money he'd earned last night. He had negative seven dollars in his account so after keeping fifty back in cash, and after everything balanced, his grand total was three-hundred and thirty-three dollars and ten cents. Not much, but enough to help his mother out, anyway.

He did an e-transfer on his phone and sent her a text. She called him a moment later. He answered after a long debate with himself.

"Hey, baby."

"Hi, Mom."

"Is the password dragon still?"

He touched the dog tooth around his neck, feeling silly. "Yeah."

She typed it into her computer. "There's only three-thirty here."

She wasn't much better than a loan shark. "I'll get the rest of it to you tomorrow." He hoped, anyway. "Is that okay?"

There was a long pause, some clacking of keys. "I can wait, but why are you taking care of this and not your brother?"

"He asked me to," he lied.

"He doesn't want to talk to me, does he?"

She always made it about her and he was always trying to make her feel better. "I don't think that's it. He just started a new job, has a girlfriend—"

"Zeref has a girlfriend?"

"I guess, yeah."

"This is the kind of information about my boys that I want to know," she said huffily. "How come he never called?"

"Busy," Natsu said again.

It was hard to tell whether or not she believed that. It was hard to tell if it _mattered._ "Tell me about her."

This was the mom he knew best, the gossip hound, the busybody. He had a while to go yet so he conceded and told his mom all of the nice things he knew about Angel. The list was short; it basically began and ended with her working at the hospital.

"What about you, baby? You still have that girlfriend… Liz?"

"Lucy," Natsu corrected with a hint of irritation.

"The lawyer's daughter."

"Yeah." Natsu narrowly avoided getting splashed as a Lincoln drove through a deep puddle.

"She's in school now, right?"

"Yeah."

"And things are still working out between you two?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" He hated how defensive that sounded.

"Zeref thought you two were on the rocks."

Zeref sold him out? He felt betrayed. "We're just working through some stuff. It's fine."

"Of course, baby. But if it's not, that's okay, too. There'll be others. You'll see once you go to college. You'll meet all these people and the ones you thought were important you'll find weren't really. The world's a big place." She started rambling then, and asking him about his plans and Natsu didn't know. Any thoughts of the future just balled together in his chest like one great ball of anxiety and he felt hopeless and lost.

She eventually picked up on his evasion tactics and asked, "Are you mad?"

"No," Natsu lied because he knew if he voiced any of the mean things in his mind, she'd break. For all of her blurting and crassness, she was sensitive and prone to over-the-top emotional responses. "Just trying to cross the road."

"Watch for cars."

"I know, Mom."

"I'm just saying. I worry about you all the way out there with your brother in that dirty city." Natsu knew what was coming next but it still made his chest tight when she said, "I wish you'd come home."

"There's a reason I'm out here in this dirty city," he said. Tactfulness be damned.

"Things aren't the same as they were. I got a new job that makes more money and your father hasn't been gambling in six months. We're doing a lot better. We miss our boys, though. Zeref won't come but that doesn't mean that you can't."

Her pleading ate through him like nothing else ever could. "I might come up for a weekend or something."

"I'll tell your father," she gushed. "We'll make turkey on Saturday and watch movies."

_This_ Saturday she meant. Natsu started to tell her he hadn't decided when yet but she sounded so jovial, he didn't have the heart, making plans about changing the sheets on his old bed and buying him a pillow because that one in there was flat. It was hard to get a word in edgewise, he had to cut her off. "We'll keep in touch. I have to go, though." His destination was ahead, its stout frame looking ominous through the layers of sleeting rain.

"Okay," his mother said reluctantly. "Let me know when you have the rest of the money."

"Yeah."

"I love you."

"You, too." Natsu hung up and it was only the noise of traffic in his ear and the chirp of a soaking and miserable chickadee sitting in one of Magnolia's few pines. He put his frozen hands into his pockets and J-walked to the music of a few horns.

The motel's lot wasn't shovelled, small clumps of snow melted in the centre of walkways. They must not have had that many customers in the winter.

Natsu picked the safest route to room five and tapped on the door. He listened to its occupant come; he imagined her leaning into the door and standing on tiptoe and looking through the peephole, he imagined her smile. It perfectly matched the one she wore when she pulled the door open and Natsu came through. He knew all of Lucy's smiles.

She closed and locked the door, then took his hand and pulled him in. Her mouth tasted like her favourite blueberry lip gloss and she smelled like something too delicate to be cheap, Shoppers-bought perfume.

"Did anyone bother you?" she asked.

Natsu took off his wet jacked and slung it on the armchair by the door. "Zeref was at work. You?"

"My dad thinks I'm at a pottery class that goes for three hours."

"Isn't he going to be suspicious when you don't bring anything home?"

"I bet he won't even notice," Lucy said and pulled him toward the bed. She climbed into his lap as soon as he was sitting. Natsu locked his hands around her waist. The fabric of the green tunic-dress she wore was light-weight and gauzy. It felt almost like beach sand running through his fingers.

"I'm surprised you didn't tell him you were out with Loke again."

Natsu knew he failed at being subtle when Lucy scrunched up her nose. "Loke?"

He shrugged as nonchalantly as possible. "You said you were out at the movies with him before. Does your dad think he's your boyfriend?"

She snorted. "Probably."

Rage licked his heart but he kept it in check. "Does Loke think so, too?"

Her brows came up in surprise. Then she teased, "Natsu, are you jealous?"

"No."

She smiled her _I-see-through-your-weak-_ lie smile. "That's kind of sweet. I mean, it wouldn't be if you were mouth-breathing at me and getting crazy but this is okay."

"Lucy," Natsu said exasperatedly.

Her smile got wider but she didn't tease him anymore. "He was my tutor for my Astronomy class. I thought it would be an easy course but I was wrong. Loke, though, he's a wiz."

So Loke was another residual from Lucy's university life. "Does he have a girlfriend?"

Lucy laughed and rolled her eyes. "And a boyfriend, and a sidepiece and a couple waiting in the wings."

He was right on the Slut money when he saw him. The knowledge didn't make him feel vindicated—he suspected that Jude was way more perceptive about that stuff than he was, but he'd said _nothing_. "Why's your dad okay with him hanging around?"

"I'm pretty sure we can find better things to talk about." She wiggled her hips and Natsu didn't think she had talking in mind. He'd be more interested if he didn't recognize the distraction technique.

"He's rich, isn't he?"

Lucy sighed. "Seriously, Natsu?"

"Isn't he?"

"Does that matter?"

"To your father. He has good grades too, right? He goes to your university, he drives sick cars, he says all the right things at the right times—"

"So what?"

"So he's perfect for you."

"Did I say that?"

"No, but your dad—"

"Doesn't fucking choose who I date," Lucy barked. "I'm not interested in a fucking Ken doll. You _know_ that."

Natsu pressed his lips together and leaned away from her. His mind was racing, trying to think of ways to make things right—to prove to Jude that he was a better choice. There wasn't much point though, was there? Jude had already made his position abundantly clear. According to him, Lucy wasn't for guys like Natsu. She was better than that.

It was all so frustrating.

Lucy kissed his neck. "Stop thinking so much."

"I can't, it's fucking in my head, Lucy, and I can't—"

She kissed him quiet, a slow and steady push of her lips and her tongue that brought him from frustrated to absorbed with a few well-executed movements. She shimmied her hips again and Natsu held them. She murmured, "I want to think about this. I want to think about us. I don't care about anything else, not while I have you here for a few hours."

"You're trying to distract me."

Her voice got low and her fingers pressed into his shoulders. "Is it working?"

"It shouldn't be. This isn't a solution." The day would come when they couldn't sneak into motels and hide. It was hard to deny the short-term benefits, though.

"But it's a way we can see each other for now, so just enjoy it." She cut off her words with another, much slower and longer kiss. Some of the craziness Natsu had been suffocating under slowly eased back for a warm feeling in his chest he hadn't had for a long time. A knot in his lungs came undone and he took in a deep breath.

"There," Lucy purred and pulled his hands from her hips to her breasts. The dress she wore could be undone by buttons. He did that with care and by the time he could see her sternum, he was hard and pressing into her backside.

Lucy pulled up the hem of her dress and showed off the small black lace panties she wore. They were new, maybe even bought for today. She slid back and forth over his length. Natsu split his focus between the feel of her body and his fingers fixing the buttons. Soon, he could push the dress off her shoulders and take her in.

The bra she wore was only a half-cup and designed to make her nearly spill out, it matched the panties, sheer and black. He liked her colours, her wheat-gold hair, hazelnut eyes, freckled pale skin. The hollow ache in his chest filled up a little more like Lucy was the mortar holding him together.

He unsnapped her bra and took the straps from her shoulders. Her breasts came out, heavy, the tips erect. He filled his hands with them and kissed each, open-mouthed and wet. Lucy moaned. Everything happened in a blur after that. Natsu's shirt was torn off and thrown on the motel floor, Lucy backed up enough to undo his pants and pull him out. She didn't let him get them off, though, not completely. That was fine, he didn't want to be very far from her.

He made do with lying back on the bed and pulling her forward by the hips so she was lying down on his body and he could reach her with his tongue. It was awkward for her to twist and put his cock in her mouth but she did anyway. It didn't last for long, and Natsu was okay with that because afterwards, Lucy allowed him to sit up and put her on her back. He liked her like this because he could watch her face contort in pleasure and her breasts bounce and her hair, fired gold, spread over cheap motel pillows. Her breaths came short and fast and her fingers marked his shoulders. Natsu propped himself up and looked at her red cheeks and her wet lips.

He loved her.

He loved her lack of inhibition.

He loved her fervour.

He loved her impatience.

Love burned him up like a fever.

* * *

The rain had turned to snow by the time he got home. It was late enough that the lights were out, all except that pale screen lighting up from the couch again. Tonight, Angel had taken to lying beneath a blanket. She tapped on the screen of her phone impatiently, taking her eyes away from it only to address Natsu.

"Richard said you talked too much but were okay. Do you feel like doing another run?"

While the universe was still being so kind? He came to sit beside her and got the details.


	12. Chapter 12

Strung up, strung out for your love

* * *

Houses built on lies crumbled. Their foundations mouldered and the walls weakened with every false word. He'd seen it in his parents' house when his father would lie about where his paycheque went on a bi-weekly basis, and he was seeing it in Lucy's as she told her father time and again she was going out with friends or Loke or going to that damn pottery class while instead, she was sneaking off to the motel, sometimes to lay beneath Natsu, sometimes to, with Natsu's help, climb up on the roof and lay beneath the stars like they used to.

The point was, people lied all the time. Some, with every breath they took for no other reason than the truth was much more boring, and some to do what they wanted while circumventing the disappointment of their loved ones.

Natsu thought what he and his brother had was different, though. No matter what shit went down, Zeref was always his confidante, and likewise, Natsu his. He thought they were too close for lies like, _I'm working at this motel_ —Natsu's—to explain where the money was coming from and where he was going, and _I'm going to work_ —Zeref's—when in reality, Zeref was actually going to a shoddy apartment across town to do who knew what. Natsu had caught him early one morning when he was on his way back from a visit with Lucy that went on for longer than he'd planned.

It was childish, but as a punishment for his brother's deception, Natsu only left a note the day he asked Gildarts to drive him to his parents' house, and let Zeref think of it as he wanted.

"I'll be out again this way tomorrow morning," Gildarts said as he pulled into the driveway of Natsu's childhood home. There was very little in the greater Magnolia area so Natsu figured he was coming out only to pick him up. It was generous of him. And Natsu didn't want to be there a moment longer than he had to be. A day and a night were more than enough.

"Thanks. And thanks for doing this." On his weekend off, no less.

"I don't mind, but one day, we should think about heading to the scrapyard to pick out a car. I'll show you how to fix it up so you're not stranding Zeref whenever you want to go somewhere." Gildarts' mouth quirked into a genuine smile that Natsu struggled to return, not because he was ungrateful but because it shouldn't have been Gildarts doing this kind of stuff.

"Thanks."

"I'll have my phone on if you need me."

"Thanks," Natsu said again and stepped out.

There were no snowbanks on the front lawn now, this week had been warm and winter was fast-retreating, but Natsu could see where once, he'd wait for Zeref to get off the bus so he could pelt him with snowballs.

There was a little roof covering the well out front and a garden in the shape of a heart. A new Volkswagen was in the driveway and the porch was tidy. Everything looked just so. Natsu couldn't tell if it was staged, though. When his mother was happy, everything was ship-shape. There was a great contrast from the woman she was when Natsu was five to the woman she was when he turned thirteen. His memory was good, though. He could remember the orderly kitchen filled with clipped daisies, and, years after, he could remember the crowded countertop choking under breadcrumbs and, yes, even mouse droppings. There always seemed to be a rotting squash lost behind the stacks of stale bread, too.

Before he could get up the steps, his mother had the door open and was coming out to greet him. Her hair was a raven's wing, just like Zeref's. Her smile was Zeref's, too. She gathered him in for a hug that Natsu returned. She smelled like apples and cinnamon and felt thinner beneath his hands, older. She squeezed him tight, though, and kissed beside his ear so loudly, it hurt his hearing.

"I missed you."

"Missed you, too," Natsu said. His father appeared behind his mother's shoulder. He was greyer and thinner and his shoulders were less broad than Natsu remembered. His smile made the skin around his eyes crinkle.

"Hey, Natsu." His voice was a smoker's, craggy and familiar.

"Hey." Natsu thought it would be weird but his dad brought him in for a hug and he decided that the passage of time eased everything, hate and pain, and made decent the worst men and women.

* * *

Natsu helped his dad put away the snow blower, then climbed on the roof with him and helped clean out the chimney. It was messy but Natsu didn't mind. This was Zeref's job when they still lived at home, back when Natsu was young enough to be jealous of Zeref's responsibilities. Doing the work gave him a weird sort of validation. He almost felt like an adult. Now if only he could get all of his shit in order.

"Your mom's missed you." His dad lifted a tarp as he spoke so he didn't have to look at Natsu. "You should call her more."

"I know. I've just been busy."

"She thinks Zeref's telling you to stay away."

It was a trap. To deny him would mean that Natsu was admitting he was ignoring them of his own volition. To accept his accusation meant Zeref would be on the firing line.

His father let the silence stand while he folded the tarp over the snow blower. Its wheels were tucked away when he said, "How are things going in the city?"

"Fine."

"I drove by the address Zeref gave us and knocked on the door." Likely the day Natsu didn't answer his phone; Natsu didn't want to speak to ask. The address was given to their mother in case of emergency. She said she'd hide it. Either she didn't, or her husband had gone through her things looking for it. "You're living in an old movie shop."

"Zeref knows the building owner."

"It's not an apartment."

"Our couches and bedrooms say otherwise."

His father continued like he hadn't spoken. "I'm not even sure it's legal."

Natsu bit his cheek hard to keep from continuing with something nasty.

His father got to the point. "Maybe you should move back into the house. It'd be more stable for you. I'll clean out the basement and you can have that space."

"What's that going to cost me?" Natsu asked dryly.

"Your mother and I were talking, we could rent it out to you for nine hundred, inclusive."

That was more than double what he was supposed to be giving Zeref. "That's a lot."

"Most apartments in the city go for almost double that."

"Which is why I live illegally in a shitty movie store."

His father was undeterred and still flinging around the parent card. "It's not a good atmosphere. You're trying to get your life together; you need something steady."

"My father taking my money to pay off his gambling debts is hardly good or steady."

"How dare you?" his father looked angry, Natsu was angrier.

"Am I wrong?"

He opened his mouth. Natsu knew lies were about to come out. He huffed and turned on his heel, leaving his father behind.

* * *

Natsu's feet took him through an old quarry to a place he hadn't been in months. He felt guilty when he stayed away for so long, and sheepish when he sat by the mound of rocks that wasn't where Lisanna Strauss was buried but was her favourite place to be when they were young. It was a better place to honour her than in the graveyard, Natsu thought.

Red sand baked beneath the sun and the smell of clay was on the air. His boots picked up a layer of it and got heavy. He found a pile of sand some locals used as a dirt bike jump and threw himself down on it, just meters from Lisanna's memorial.

"Hey," he told her like she was there and could speak back. She could, in a way, if he closed his eyes and imagined her drifting over in her favourite blue dress and sitting down beside him. He needed a friend like Lisanna so Natsu exercised his imagination and saw her vividly.

She was older now than when she'd died. Thinner, her baby fat cheeks now full of sharp angles, cheekbones protruding in the same dramatic way her sister's did.

"You look sad, Natsu," he imagined she'd say.

"Annoyed, not sad," he said to empty air.

The real Lisanna would blow her feathery bangs from her forehead and say, "One or the other. Doesn't matter. Talk to me about it."

The real Natsu would tell her to forget about it, it wasn't important. This was pretend, though, so he watched puffy white clouds go by and told her every little thing, from Lucy to her family to the drugs to his own fucked up family and everything in between. She listened with practiced patience. Lisanna was always good in this role.

"Now I'm wondering what to do next."

"Run away," she said at last.

Natsu squeezed warm sand between his fingers. "That's your answer to everything."

"It works."

He felt a dull pang where his heart was. "No, it doesn't." It didn't work for her, she'd found that out the hard way, and it wouldn't work for him and Lucy. Her family would find them. And if it wasn't that, then it was going to be something worse. "We'll have to figure something else out."

Fake Lisanna dug the heels of her sandals into the dirt mound and watched the grains of sand roll down the hill. "It'll work out."

Natsu didn't know if that was true or not, but he felt a bit better anyway. "Thanks, Lis."

She turned to look at him; late afternoon sunlight caught like glitter in her hair. She sparkled. Then she squinted, looking at something behind Natsu, and dimmed from view.

Natsu felt the weight drop down beside him before he addressed his company. Mira was no longer stick-thin, though she was still done up head-to-toe in black. Her hair had fluorescent highlights that were slowly dulling and her eyes were heavily lined with black. She fiddled with the lip ring she'd had for the last three years that Natsu had known her and didn't immediately say hello. They sat in silence and the only thing that made it uncomfortable was Natsu's wondering how much of his conversation she heard and how crazy she thought he was.

"Sometimes, I come out here to talk to her, too," Mira said like she knew his thoughts.

Natsu said nothing.

"I hope she gave you some good advice. Everything she's been telling me lately is shitty."

Mira's sour attitude surprised him, if only because it was directed at her sister. "Why?"

"I told her Elfman and I were moving to Fairy Hills and she told me it was _good_."

"The group home?" Natsu asked.

"Yeah."

"Your parents—"

She was short and to the point. "Mom got cancer two months ago and then Dad got into a car accident."

Natsu stared at her disbelievingly. "Mira…"

"Every time I turn around, something fucked up happens. I'm cursed," she muttered and lit a cigarette with a lime green zippo. It didn't smell right. Natsu realized it was because she'd mixed the tobacco with marijuana.

"You and me both."

"I think it's this town," Mira said.

When she was alive, Lisanna thought similarly. Natsu was inclined to think otherwise. "It's the people." People made a thing ugly or beautiful. _People_ , not places.

Mira let him have his vehement response. She laid back. "Will you see us when we move?"

Natsu laid back, too. "You'll be pretty close to me, so yeah. But why are they sending you to the group home? I thought you were nineteen."

"It's for Elfman, mostly," she said. "There's a therapist there and they want us both to attend, so Mister Dreyar said we could just move in for a few months."

"That's…" Good? Alright? Unlucky?

Mira saved him. "Do you smoke?" She held up her cigarette.

Once, it might have been strange to share a joint with her, but a lot had happened since she was Scary Mira. Natsu accepted her offer and the smoke burned down into his lungs. "You can tell me, too, you know," she said while Natsu exhaled. "What's bothering you, I mean. Lisanna's gone but I'm still here." A thing she'd been struggling with, Natsu could see the evidence on her arms where she'd scratch because she was frustrated, but not too deep because she was scared of ending up on the other side with no way back.

Natsu took another inhale while he thought about it. Eventually, he decided that Mira was almost as good of a confidante as Lisanna. She knew nearly all of his family secrets, too. "There's a girl."

Mira plucked at the sand with a small, wistful smile. "There's always a girl. Does she know you're agonizing about her?"

"I'm not _agonizing."_

"If you agonized much, you'd realize how much of a lie that was."

Maybe she was right. "Things have been… better, but—"

"Does she know? Yes, or no?"

"Sure she does. Stuff is complicated, though," Natsu said haltingly.

She got dreamy. "The best stuff always is."

Mira was toeing a chasm. Rage on one side, kindness on the other, a black hole of sad straight below. Each day she was reaching for something that seemed unattainable. She was complicated's living definition. Knowing that was what made Natsu comfortable enough to edge around the truth.

"It's her family. And my family. Zeref's been weird, Mom and Dad are cobbling their lives back together poorly, and I'm… Trying to make it work."

She fingered her scabbed arms. "Things always get worse before they get better. I don't know if that's true or not, but that's some stupid self-help bullshit I read online."

"Oh." Should _he_ be reading self-help things? That seemed like a lot of effort. Like Lisanna said, things had a way of working themselves out, right?

Footsteps signaled another's arrival. Natsu looked back over his shoulder and watched Elfman approach. Mira stabbed out her cigarette and then put the butt in her pocket so she didn't desecrate Lisanna's memorial site.

Natsu said, "Hey, Elfman."

"Hey." He was so much more melancholy now. Larger than ever, though, burly through his shoulders and his neck and his arms. He kind of reminded Natsu of an oak tree. "The movers just called, Mira, they're on their way."

"I gotta go," Mira said to Natsu. "But here's my number. Text me some time and we'll hang out."

"Thanks." Natsu took out his phone while she sprouted numbers and plugged her information in. "When do you move?"

"Tomorrow." She stood and wiped sand from her pants. "They don't want us staying in the house by ourselves."

"I'll probably text you next week or something then," Natsu said.

Mira stooped and hugged him quickly around the shoulders. She used the same laundry detergent Lisanna used to. "It was good to see you. Take care of yourself." Elfman was there to put his arm around her shoulder when she stood.

Natsu watched them until he could no longer, and then he said goodbye to Lisanna. Her ghost was long gone if it had ever been there at all.

Crickets sang him home down a stretch of country road. Thick pines stood guard on either side and greedily swallowed back the headlights of any car that passed—a total of three. Natsu walked less carefully than he should have. Mira's weed was shitty but he'd been _that_ person and hogged most of it, so sounds and lights and shapes were all blurring together.

Out of the din came two voices, raised so much that Natsu could hear them a kilometer down the road. The trees opened up and he confirmed what he'd suspected—they were coming from his parent's house.

He went in through the front door and up the stairs without detection, his mother was laying into some insult hard and his father wasn't taking it on his back.

In his room, Natsu dropped down the rest of the money Zeref owed them onto the bed, and two hundred extra, then gathered his things and left.

Three hours into his walk back, Natsu considered the intelligence of his course of action. It was late, it was getting cold, and if he wasn't mistaken, those were thunder clouds on the eastern horizon. A rumble confirmed it.

The next car that passed, he stuck his thumb out and was blatantly ignored. The next car swerved around him hugely. The third blasted their horn.

He tried again seven more times before the glow of red brake lights lit up the tar top road. He thought of Lisanna with every step he took toward the idling vehicle. It had been some time since he'd thought of her with such clarity. He half-expected her to pop up beside him again and express to him the dangers of hopping into a stranger's van.

She did no such thing so Natsu thought it was relatively safe to approach. (Ludicrous for a guy that didn't believe in fate and didn't really believe in ghosts.)

It was a craggy old lady in the front seat that looked at him shrewdly, a snarl on her lips and a wry and challenging tilt to her brow, her features visible by the green glow of her dash. "If you're looking for an old lady to mug, I'll chop you up and leave you on the side of the road."

He believed it, too, there was a cleaver sitting on the floor of her van and a myriad of other chef supplies strung up in the back. "No, Ma'am. Just looking to get to Magnolia."

"Get in then, boy, hurry up."

Natsu did as she said.

They listened to Peter, Paul and Mary on the way. It was a lot for a thirty-minute car ride. The silence wasn't filled by talking; the woman seemed more comfortable to mouth along with the songs and Natsu was busy fielding furious texts from his mother. He had to tell her _something_ , otherwise, she'd be calling Gildarts and telling him to go on the hunt so he told her Lucy showed up. She accepted his answer after he told her he left cash upstairs.

The music changed to Johnny Cash just as the woman pulled up to the main intersection just outside of Magnolia. Natsu thanked her and tried to hand off five bucks. She pushed the bills at him and told him a surly, "Keep your damn money."

"Thanks," Natsu muttered and got out. Exhaust clouded around his head a second later.

It took an additional thirty minutes to trek back through Magnolia to the movie shop. In that time, he answered a text from Lucy and told her that his visit home was going well. it was too hard to explain otherwise, and dodged two homeless, one man and one woman. The former tried to sell himself for money, the latter begged Natsu for drugs he didn't have.

He thought as the apartment came into view that he could finally relax, but when he opened the door he was greeted by the colour red. Zeref was covered in it, and the body at his feet looked like it had stopped bleeding it.


	13. Chapter 13

 

And we're not lovers. We're just trouble.

* * *

Seven years prior, almost to the date, Natsu's Grampy Igneel died of emphysema.

Natsu remembered it was late when his mother came into his bedroom with plans to take him and Zeref to the hospital to say goodbye. She had to crouch and pull aside the edge of his blanket fort to peer in. He and Zeref were sitting almost knee to knee, their Gameboys in their hands while they played Mario Cart. He remembered thinking it was serious because she didn't scold them for still being awake so late on a school night.

It started thunder storming on the way to the car. It was the first of the season.

He remembered thinking that the lights inside the hospital were far too bright. He remembered the distinct stench of death that clung to the Palliative Care Unit. He remembered the heavy toxic cloud of sad, too. He remembered trailing into the room behind his mother and behind Zeref, but in front of his dad. He remembered toeing to the cot and looking at his grampy's sunken face and he remembered shaking.

He didn't like death, it made him feel helpless. He felt like he should see it, though, so he watched Grampy struggling to breathe after the nurses removed the oxygen mask. His father put his hand on Natsu's shoulder and dragged him to his side. He felt safe there; like he could watch the end.

Natsu regretted that. There was something that left the body when a person died. Some people called it a soul; Natsu didn't like that so he decided that he didn't _have_ a name for it. Once you saw it leave, though, it was something you never forgot. There was a _definite_ moment when a person ceased to be a person and became just a body.

It was fucking horrifying.

It was horrifying to know, too, that the man that lay on his apartment floor was missing that piece of him, as well. He was gone.

The apartment was so quiet that, when Natsu's phone buzzed, his adrenaline spiked. Zeref jarred, too. Both of them stared at the offending object held loosely in Natsu's hand. Zeref spoke first. "Don't answer it."

Natsu heard himself say, "It's Lucy." Why she was calling so late, he didn't know, but that was definitely her smiling face looking up at him from the phone screen, a black bow in her gold hair. She looked so out of place in this morbid apartment.

"Don't fucking answer it," Zeref barked. "You'll flip out and she'll know."

_Know. Know_ what _, exactly_? Natsu stared at the man on the ground. Then he stared at his brother. There was red on Zeref's hands. It was a colour his brother was used to, whether from fighting or from hurting himself to match his little brother when the occasion called for it. This was a whole lot of different, though. Someone was dead.

_Dead_.

Natsu's heart waited too long to beat and then fluttered against his ribs like a fly with only one wing. "Fuck," he whispered. Zeref stood; he was agitated, the emotion just rolled off of him and hit Natsu like it was a physical thing. He repeated, "Fuck."

"Get out of here," Zeref said.

None of his words made sense to Natsu. He could hear them, but his brain wouldn't put them in the right order. "What?"

"Leave." Zeref made to push him towards the door, then remembered the state of his hands and stopped. "You don't have to be involved. You were at Mom and Dad's; you didn't come home."

Natsu's brain engaged and he understood. _Leave_. Leave Zeref to handle everything.

He always handled everything.

Like it was a done deal, Natsu would obey because Natsu always did _everything_ Zeref told him, Zeref crouched and picked up the man on the floor with a lot of stumbling and effort; blood got smeared on the wall and dripped all down Zeref's pants from a gaping head wound. He grimaced and clenched his jaw so tight, his teeth were in jeopardy. Natsu saw his brother in clear light, then. He, too, was scared. Knowing that made Natsu braver.

"You can't take him out like that."

Zeref's wide eyes met Natsu's; he looked honestly surprised to see him still standing there. "I told you to leave."

Natsu moved. His palms were sweaty as hell going to the rubber maid they had to keep their blankets in. He pulled out the first one he touched, a ratty retro Ghostbusters blanket, black except for Slimer on the front, large pink tongue lolling out of his gap-toothed mouth.

He brought it back to Zeref and laid it down on the ground. Zeref visibly warred with himself, then seemed to club to death all of his protests and hesitations and crouched so he could drop the man down. He was relatively small so it was easy to wrap him up entirely.

The only thing they had to keep the ends of the blanket closed was tape. Natsu used a liberal amount, wrapping it around and around while Zeref lifted the head and feet respectively. Natsu didn't like the way the man's eyes seemed to track him. They made him feel sick to his stomach, so he taped extra well up there.

Without provocation, Natsu got the keys off the key hook. The only thing Zeref told him was, "Be careful."

The night air was cool and refreshing. Natsu took it in but could only smell iron. Things swirled around him like in a dream. Dumpsters, garbage, cats, a car on the main road driving by.

He started his truck and didn't remember driving it to the front door and backing up so the bed was hanging over the concrete steps. When the time came to put the body in the back, Zeref said, "I'll do it myself."

Natsu resigned himself to keeping a lookout. His street had always seemed quiet before but now there felt like a hundred eyes watched him. Each second that went past made him more and more anxious.

Zeref huffed in the bed and slid the sheeted body all the way up to the cab. Two spade shovels went in after.

"Where did those come from?"

"Next door." Zeref nodded across the street where the neighbour's shed was open. "We'll put them back after."

"So no one can add robbery to the charge." Natsu almost burst out laughing. It was such a close, close thing. Zeref's glower saved him.

"I told you to disappear—"

Natsu shook his head and got in the driver's seat. He didn't get to stay there, Zeref came in after him and pushed him all the way over to the other side. He dropped a bag of papers between them before starting up the truck. Natsu had questions but they were all lodged in his throat until they were well outside of town and pulling down a Restricted Access road.

"What is this place?"

"A quarry."

A decommissioned one, by Natsu's best guess. There were huge craters in the earth, where excavating machines had dug up stone and sand but trees had since grown and filled the scars.

The headlights cut over garbage bags, big and small alike, as well as large item waste that people had thrown there over the years. The largest and most out of place objects was a burned out car missing its plates and VIN number and an ancient blue fridge, its door torn off. When Natsu glanced at it, he imagined Pennywise climbing out of its too-small-for-a-man frame, one twisted limb at a time. He thought about the dead man in the back of the truck and his heart beat faster. He checked over his shoulder and was both dismayed and relieved—he was still in the back of the truck. Good. But there was a dead man in the back of the truck.

There was a gross hissing noise coming from his lungs. Zeref looked at him. "Breathe."

Natsu gasped in a noisy breath; the one afterwards came a bit easier. Zeref bounced the truck over a few dirt mounds and parked, to Natsu's disgust, just paces away from the fridge. He shut off the truck and the lights and got out.

There was a moon in the sky, huge and silver. It cast enough glow on the newly greening grass for Natsu to see by. Zeref grabbed a shovel from the bed and came around to the hood of the truck. He dug the spade in right there and started working in silence.

Natsu's phone buzzed again and again. It was Lucy. She texted after saying, _Please tell me you're okay._

There wasn't much emotion that could come through a text but Natsu knew she was anxious. He also knew Zeref was right, he couldn't respond to Lucy, he'd buckle like aluminum under pressure and spill his guts at her feet. He dropped the phone in the cup holder.

He kept his eye on the refrigerator when he got out of the truck. Of course, there was nothing actually in it, but one could never be too sure. There was a lot of weird shit that went on in the world.

The shovel had butted up against the dead man. Natsu took it out gingerly, half-expecting him to come alive, too, and start moving and talking. _Holy_ , he thought dispassionately against his racing heart. _Get it together._ He should be worrying more about trespassers driving up this abandoned road, looking to get high or laid, and catching them digging a fucking grave.

The wheezing in his chest was back. He got over it by holding his breath until he was level with Zeref and the small hole he'd made, then he expelled it all in a question that came out too fast and too suddenly, all snarled up together like, "Whoishe?"

Zeref dug his shovel into the ground again and hit a rock; metal and stone scratched together to make an ugly noise that jarred Natsu into asking again, more calmly, "Who is he?"

Zeref didn't waste time dancing around is's, he went straight for the past-tense. He'd already accepted what he'd done. "His name was Wally."

Natsu wished he didn't know almost as soon as he learned that the dead man had a name. A name made him a person. He hadn't realized he was something less until that moment. Black spots appeared in front of his eyes. He tightened his hold on the shovel and they disappeared.

"What happened?"

Zeref's eyes were shadowed by a lock of sweaty hair that had fallen over his brow. "He came looking for you, Natsu."

Natsu processed that. Zeref continued shovelling. The blade sunk in, dug across rock and was yanked out again. All of the dirt was piled up beside the truck's bumper; it'd have to fill up the hole again.

"For what?" Natsu managed.

"He had questions about credit card receipts from a motel across town."

Natsu looked through the windshield at the bag on the bench seat. His throat was a tube filled with cement; he couldn't make any words come out.

"I told him to fuck off, he wanted you, though." Zeref dug his shovel in extra far while Natsu tried to imagine what happened after that. He didn't even know how Wally died (oh yeah, he liked it a _lot_ better when Wally was just Dead Guy). Was he stabbed? Was he bludgeoned?

Natsu looked at Zeref's mangled hands tightening on the shovel's handle and realized it was so much worse than all that.

_Fuck_.

Zeref grunted and scooped out a large shovel full of dirt just as headlights washed over the trees. Both of them stiffened, Natsu watching in horror, Zeref with grim determination. He was in only one state of mind just then—protect what was his.

The headlights stopped only partway up the dirt road. There was a clanging of metal as a contractor sluffed off their debris in the No Dumping zone rather than spending two hundred at the dump to dispose of it properly.

The tension ran for too long—twenty minutes, at least, then the shrieking of metal stopped, a door slammed closed, and an engine garbled. The truck's taillights were visible through the trees, and then the driver turned out onto the road and the quarry was quiet again.

Natsu shook off his lethargy and squeamishness and dug his shovel blade in with vigor. He worked twice as fast as Zeref and their grave was dug within half an hour. It felt like it should've taken longer to till something so permanent.

He was the first in the back of the truck, too, grabbing Wally by the shoulders and shuffling him down to the tailgate. The blanket had soaked through by the head and was tacky. Natsu tried not to touch it but it was a losing battle.

Zeref grabbed the feet and together, they swung Wally off the back, shuffled him over, and dropped him down. He smacked with finality. Natsu barely looked down. He returned for the credit card receipts, set them on fire and threw them into the hole on top of Wally. They burned to ash.

All of the dirt went back on the pile, was smoothed out, but not so much that it would look suspicious, and then he and Zeref took the fridge and knocked it over on top of the grave to hide the disturbance. A salamander slithered over the ground and into the grass, his home destroyed, and disappeared.

On the way back home, Natsu ghosted Lucy again, deleting her number from his phone, deleting her from all social media platforms, and throwing the key he'd kept from their long-standing room out on the road where it bounced into the ditch.

Zeref watched everything with stoicism. The only way he knew his brother was bothered was because when they'd pulled into the parking lot, he reached into the glovebox and grabbed out a small vial of white powder. He snorted it right off his red-stained hand.

"Get the cleaning supplies. We need to wipe down the truck and the apartment, then we need to shower and clean out the drains, too."

"With what?"

"Bleach."

Natsu gathered everything together.

The sun was rising by the time he felt it was safe enough to go to bed. He couldn't sleep, though. Not for the ghost of Wally that haunted him, not for the pounding on the front door and then on his window.

There was a short scuffle outside. Natsu sat up and watched Lucy get dragged away by her cross-wearing cousin. Halfway to the car, she stopped fighting and started crying. Jellal looked back over his shoulder and met Natsu's eye. There was a promise in his gaze that Natsu couldn't misinterpret if he tried. It was time to start stepping lightly.

* * *

When noon came and he was still seeing dead men when he closed his eyes, Natsu picked up his phone and called the only person he could think of that would have what he needed and gave so little fucks that she wouldn't ask any questions.

Brandish met him on the park bench and Natsu gave her the rest of the money Angel had paid him and she gave him her best stuff. They smoked it in an old, closed down restaurant that people sometimes snuck into to do similar things.

He was right, Brandish never asked why he was looking for heroin or why he had the jitters before he even put flame to the gross blackened pipe she handed him. She sat in the booth across from him and traced the links of the chain Ultear had tattooed on her, down, down, past the hem of her shirt. She wasn't paying any attention, her eyes were closed and her head was tilted against the seat and she was lost in the euphoria of her own touch.

Though she was distracting, Natsu couldn't keep his attention on her for long, he was stuck in the ropes of gold sunlight trailing through one of the boarded up windows. He watched it cut through a swath of dust that glittered like the stars in the sky. He swiped his hand through it and pushed it all to the floor to break the spell.


	14. Chapter 14

I couldn't love so I would run for lust.

* * *

Things got bad. They got worse, too, in the soft way that things did. Not all at once, just bit by bit, day by day, until Natsu stopped thinking about _how can I make this better_ , and just started existing. Most of his time was spent in that old diner with Brandish, and most of the money he made went to her, too.

Sometimes, Brandish would smoke with him. sometimes, she'd only watch, wearing that mean, detached smile she'd perfected over the years. Some nights would pass and he'd wake up with his pants around his ankles. Some would see him out and around Magnolia.

June was peeping at him around a sharp corner. The air verily hummed with mosquitos and was heady with lilac pollen. Natsu breathed it in and got lost. So. So lost. So lost, that he didn't see the shiny and expensive car pull up beside him, nor did he hear the door open. Then he felt an arm loop around his shoulders and saw the flash of golden rings. Cologne invaded his nose. The good stuff. He rolled his eyes right and saw the cross laying against a shirt that probably cost more than his rent each month.

"Evening."

Natsu didn't even bother to look at him. "I haven't contacted her."

"I know. That's good, Natsu. I'm glad."

"Then why are you here?"

"Just checking in. Seeing how you're doing under the stress. Some people crack when they get their first body under their feet." Natsu's heart felt like a stone. He shook Jellal off and started walking fast. Jellal called at his back, "Dead men do tell tales, Natsu. Keep your nose clean."

* * *

He wandered around Magnolia for two hours wondering what Jellal meant. Did he know where the body was buried? How _could_ he? Was he going to dig it up and tell the police? But why _would_ he?

Like they were summoned, an ancient police car eased up beside him and the window rolled down. Natsu considered making a break for it but he recognized Gildarts' scruff of beard in the dashboard light.

"Hey, kid."

For the first time in weeks, he cared that he was a mess. "Gildarts." Did that sound sober? He thought yes, but the way Gildarts looked at him suggested maybe not.

"It's late."

Natsu had no idea _what_ time it was. Late enough that the ground was silver by the light of the moon. "Yeah."

"You shouldn't be wandering around. Get in."

Natsu was suspicious. "Are you going to take me back to the station?"

"Should I?"

He saw dots of blood all over the entryway of his apartment, where countless shoes had been kicked off, where Lucy had stood, where her neat and tidy uncle had stood, where Gildarts had, a time or two, stood.

He saw the fridge he'd toppled over at the quarry.

"Natsu?"

"Yeah?"

"Get in." Gildarts reached across the cab and opened the passenger's door. The overhead light turned on and all at once, Gildarts' police radio spat into the night. It was loud and abrupt and stopped almost as soon as it started; Natsu didn't have time to understand what was said.

Gildarts turned down the dial so the voice was lower and put the car in drive just as soon as the door was closed. He handed Natsu a water bottle. He didn't realize how thirsty he was until the cool liquid was sliding down his throat.

The silence in the car was interrupted by the occasional radio burst and the drone of the air conditioning, and then, "What is it?"

"What's what?"

"What are you on?"

"Hm?"

"The drugs, Natsu. What did you take?"

He pressed his cheek against the window and smiled sloppily. "Nothing."

Gildarts sighed. "Is it cocaine?"

"That makes people angry."

"Zeref loves it."

"Zeref loves to be angry. I don't think I do." He loved to laugh. He loved the way it made his throat raw and his stomach hurt.

"Then what? Opioids? Synthetics?"

"Nothing."

Gildarts looked at him. It was too dark to see the nature of his expression. "You should spend more time at my place. The Bunkie's all yours whenever."

Natsu closed his eyes. The next time he opened them, the movie store was in view. The lights were on inside and the curtains were drawn.

The door opened under Natsu's cheek. He would have fallen out but Gildarts grabbed him up and lifted him out and when he did that, he found the small and filthy pipe Natsu had stuffed in his pocket. He sighed so deeply, Natsu felt his chest expand. He saved all of his questions for Zeref, though, when he opened the front door and accepted Natsu from Gildarts' grip. Natsu somehow found his way to the couch while they talked. He sat, dazed, and watched Zeref's back. His hair was getting too long. His eyes kept trekking to the wall where the blood used to be. He was in a tightfitting T-shirt and a pair of track pants. He was in sandals.

Angel appeared at Natsu's side and whispered in his ear, "I think you're in trouble."

Natsu rolled his head on the couch so he could look at her. She was in dark, dark eyeliner and her lips were painted purple. "Why?"

"Zeref doesn't like heroin."

Natsu lifted his shoulder.

She took his wrist between her cool fingers and used the tip of one rounded and silver-painted nail to tickle his skin. "Does that feel good?" Her voice was still a whisper.

"Yeah." In the way nothing else did unless he was high.

Her eyes sparkled, two wet pools. "Do you have any more?"

"Yeah."

Angel leaned in and held out her hand between them. Natsu started to dig into his pocket for it just as Zeref closed the door on Gildarts and faced him. "Get out, Angel."

"Out? I just got here," Angel protested.

"Get out." You always knew Zeref had a streak of mean in him, one that always bordered on violence, though it made infrequent appearances. You could see it in the way he held his jaw—it was always tense.

Despite his penchant for it, he mostly managed to keep it wrangled in. The fury was pushing close to the surface now, though, his eyes got narrow and he clenched his teeth.

Angel hesitated for so long that Natsu thought she might stick around just to see how mean mean might be, but then she did move. She got her bag and put on her expensive heels and left, slamming the door too loudly.

Zeref zeroed in on Natsu. "What's the matter with you?"

"Nothing"

"Really? Because when Gildarts gets a call that some fucking kook is wandering down Main and he shows up and it's you, that says to me you're missing a few marbles."

"What the fuck do you care? I didn't hurt anyone."

"You could have hurt yourself. And what if it wasn't Gildarts that answered that call? You could have been arrested—"

"For being stoned?" Natsu rolled his eyes.

Zeref crossed to him quicker than Natsu could track and reached into his pocket without his permission, pulling out the heroin Natsu hadn't had the chance to give to Angel. "For this, fuck stick."

Panic filled up his chest and tried to spill out. Natsu shot up and reached for the drugs. Zeref was much faster, taking them out of range and pushing Natsu back. The couch was at his knees; he fell back into the dusty cushions and when he tried to get up again, Zeref grabbed his shoulder and held him there. He leaned in so their noses were almost touching. Natsu saw a lot of his father in Zeref's gaze then. He learned how to not be nice from the best of them. "I'm throwing this the fuck out, and if I see you with any again—"

"Then what?" Natsu asked when his brother trailed off.

Zeref's hard edges got soft. "Just don't do it, Natsu. We don't fuck with heroin, remember?"

They also didn't kill people, but sometimes, the rules got broken.

* * *

A dock sat in front of Natsu, the wood sticking out into the water like a long, puckered and rotting tongue. He drifted to the end of it, led on by the waves quietly lapping at the wood, and sat down. There was a dock post behind him that he leaned back against. The water was close enough that he could trail the tips of his fingers trailing through it. First, though, he lit a cigarette he'd taken off Zeref. Neither one of them smoked, really, but when exercise wouldn't cut it, Natsu needed to punish himself in other ways.

He put his feet in the cool water, too, though he had his running shoes on, and felt peace settle over him. For a moment, he didn't ache for heroin. The day-long withdrawal that had made all of his muscles tight and his tongue dry and his head burst with each beat of his heart was in the background.

To make it through the day, he tried telling himself that it was a kind of sickness he didn't even mind because when he was home, Zeref tried to act like they hadn't buried a body out in the old quarry, and that was all Natsu could think about when his head was quiet enough to think about it. At least like this, he had _other_ things to be concerned with. He wasn't obsessively cleaning the spot Wally died, he wasn't listening to the radio every damn hour to hear any scrap of information about it. He wasn't hearing Wally's girlfriend come on and talk about her missing boyfriend and he wasn't wondering why no one else seemed to care he was gone.

His quiet reflection was interrupted by laughter and the clatter of high heels on ancient, pressure-treated wood. Three girls passed through the curtains of a streetlamp. He recognized two of them immediately, one was Mirajane, the other was Angel. The third was a brunette he didn't think he knew.

Something was said that Natsu missed. Raucous laughter spun and echoed off trees and boats and water. It was intoxicating, though it was the kind of laughter that didn't invite outsiders to join.

The girls stopped walking. Mira leaned against one of the polls, laughter petered out for something softer and wetter. One of them sighed. Natsu splashed in the water so they'd know he was there. Angel was the first to spot him. She fixed her—clothing? Was that the right term for whatever the hell it was she wore?—and smiled.

"Hey, Natsu."

"Hey."

"The party's up top, you know?"

He didn't know how to explain that everything was just A Lot. He thought a party would make things better. Forty minutes in and it was looking like a big fucking mistake.

"Natsu?"

He remembered he should speak when he was spoken to. "I needed air."

"Us, too." Angel sagged beneath the weight of the brunette's arm and they both pitched towards the edge. Natsu was prepared for them to go in the water. They figured it out last-second. That was good. He didn't think he was sober enough to do anything but watch it happen, and Mira didn't look like she was faring much better, with a dazed and empty look on her face.

Angel said, "Did your bother come tonight?"

Natsu lifted his shoulder. His body obeyed but it didn't feel like it should have. He could have been two separate beings then, body and mind. Mind Natsu was categorizing the brunette kissing Angel's throat. Body Natsu was too detached to do anything but enjoy the way cool water caressed his fingers and smoke filled his lungs.

"He didn't say anything?"

Natsu shook his head.

"Not about coming?"

"No."

"And not about me?"

"No."

"Not even after I left?"

"No."

"I thought you said he was an asshole, Angel?" Mira asked.

"He is. I just wanted to know."

"If he's an asshole, forget about him," Natsu muttered. His brother never had to say sorry, everyone just forgave him, always. It'd be nice if he just got what was coming his way for once.

"Whatever. It doesn't matter anyway." Angel fluffed back her hair and stood straighter. "Did you come with anyone?" Natsu again shook his head. "Then come hang out," she offered. "It'll be better than hanging out here by yourself. I have something to keep the buzz going."

Really, that was the only thing he wanted to hear.

* * *

Natsu was fourteen when he first met Mavis Vermillion. She had hair like autumn wheat fields. It hung to her ankles. She'd comb it with short fingers and long fingernails if she didn't have her bone-toothed comb. She had eyes the colour of the sea. Those eyes were kind if not a little bit devoid of deep emotion.

After three weeks, she told Natsu she loved him, and he believed her.

He arrived home from school one day near the beginning of summer, dropped off by the bus, though Zeref had his licence and could have driven him home. He saw Mavis' bike sitting on the front lawn, tipped over like she'd rushed to get inside. Natsu dropped his bag by the front door and hurried to his room to meet her. They had twenty unsupervised minutes before Mom got home from work and he planned on taking advantage of them.

And that's where he caught his brother kissing her. Natsu had never kissed a girl like that before. Her back was bent so the ends of her pretty hair were touching the floor and she held Zeref's arms more than he held her.

She'd left shortly after that. Natsu didn't talk to Zeref again until, one day, almost an entire month later, his dad had spent all of the money again and another fight reunited them once more. With a common enemy, it was like nothing had ever happened. Neither one of them ever mentioned Mavis again.

Despite 'burying the hatchet,' when things spiraled the way they always seemed to spiral lately and Angel leaned or he leaned or they both leaned in, Natsu, at first, felt vindicated kissing her. It was almost like getting revenge that had been six years in the making.

She kissed wetly and expertly and he knew well before it started he was way the fuck out of his depth. He didn't kiss girls like her. He especially didn't kiss them when they left his apartment not eighteen hours before, furious.

He leaned away from her and somehow got up off the picnic table by the dock and left her behind without saying a thing. She never tried to call him back.

Ultear was up by the fire pit, smoking a joint and drinking a beer and watching a girl with red hair with a hungry expression until Natsu sat down beside her and dampened all of her good mood with his frown.

"What's wrong with you?"

Natsu's tongue was unusually loose. "I kissed Angel."

"Zeref's Angel?"

"Yeah."

She tipped her head back and laughed.

"It's not funny."

"It is a little bit. I told Zeref she was a slut. Serves him right."

Natsu decided she wasn't going to be any help and stood.

"Hey, wait." Ultear grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

"Fuck off if you're just going to laugh about it." Natsu attempted to shake her off; she was like a burr, though, and wouldn't let go.

"I'm sorry. That was mean. Sit down, tell me about it."

He gave up too easily. She was one of the only friends he had any more. "I don't know what the fuck happened. We were just sitting there and…" He trailed off. He really didn't have an explanation.

Ultear opened her mouth; there was something mean on her tongue. She looked at him a split second before saying it and choked it back, though. "It's not that big of a deal. It's just a kiss."

It felt like a big deal.

"Seriously, don't sweat it. There are worse things."

"Like what?"

She shrugged. "Sometimes, I fuck my stepbrother."

"Your stepbrother," Natsu clarified for her.

"Yeah. Sure. We're not really related, but our parents have been together for years. Trust me. It's weird. We basically grew up together. He tells everyone I'm his sister."

Natsu thought about family dinners, sitting next to the girl he introduced as 'sister,' then sneaking her into the main floor bathroom and fucking her while Grandma was setting out dessert. "That is weird."

"Right? Once, I had a threesome with him and his crazy girlfriend. She went off the rails and they broke up afterwards. He blamed me. we had a huge fight but I still woke up to him climbing into my bed that night. I wasn't even mad."

Who did that? "Are you lying to make me feel better?"

She looked at him seriously. "Not even a little bit."

Natsu leaned back on the rock he was using as a stool and sighed.

Ultear asked, "Why are you hooking up with Angel, anyway? I thought you and Lucy were good again?"

Did _everyone_ know about their brief stint? Maybe they hadn't been that secretive. "We're done."

"That's what you said last time."

"For real this time."

"Well." Ultear slapped his thigh briskly and stood. "Then she's not here with her little wannabe friend."

"What?" Natsu scoured the party. He spotted Lucy's friend Levy first, looking both intrigued and slightly disgusted speaking with Gajeel Redfox. He saw a flash of blonde shortly thereafter, moving from the keg to Levy's side. There were two beers in her hand.

She must have felt his eyes on her because she turned her head so fast, Natsu worried about her neck. She pined him like a bug on a cork board. He almost froze when she changed her direction, then he remembered her cousin's warning, and the blood him and Zeref spent the early hours scrubbing. He shot up after Ultear and chased her down. He didn't look back to Lucy once; she must have stopped following him, though, because she didn't appear at his side.

"You're serious, eh?" Ultear cut right through the forest path and kicked aside trash with her combats.

"I told you."

"Poor Natsu." She almost sneered but saved it last-second so he couldn't tell if she was serious or not.

Fire glowed off of trees and grass. People sat around it, most drinking, some roasting marshmallows. Natsu's eyes got caught in molten silver and for a moment, he thought, ludicrously, that Lisanna was there. Then he saw the cheap, plastic shine of bangles and he knew better.

Mira didn't immediately come to sit with him. She was flirting half-heartedly with someone tall and broad. Natsu drank the fireball he'd paid for with the money he'd taken from Zeref that morning while his brother was supposedly at work, and watched her fake-smile and fake-laugh. Nothing ever reached her eyes. She was a black hole emotions could never escape.

She caught his eye a few times. Eventually, she gave up trying to flirt and left the guy's side for Natsu's. It was hard to tell if he was put off or not or if he even noticed her absence, he was kind of blank-eyed like everyone else there, staring at the flames and not really absorbing.

"This is a party you know?" Mira smelled exactly like limes. Natsu didn't know if it was body spray or if she'd been doing shots. "You could at least pretend that you're having fun."

He didn't want to pretend and have everyone whisper about how fake he was like they'd do to Mira. He wanted to actually feel good. "This party sucks."

Mira sighed and bumped her shoulder against his. "Yeah."

He drank some more whisky and handed it her way. She drank it back greedily.

"How are you liking Fairy Hills?"

"It's okay. The therapist is kind of a creep, though. He's always trying to get a peek up my skirt to see my underwear."

"Really?"

"Yeah. And I met a girl there. She's okay," she finished. "We were supposed to hang out here tonight but after we found you, she split."

"She went home?"

"I'm pretty sure she actually took off with my brother and I'm _also_ pretty sure they're fucking." Her nose curled. Natsu genuinely laughed. He couldn't help it. She nudged his shoulder. "It's not funny. He better be wearing a condom and he better not wander to the lake and drown."

"Did you want help looking for him?"

She looked horrified. "No."

"Good. I don't want to get involved." Natsu handed over the whisky again. His heart was starting to beat evenly after his encounter with Lucy. He almost felt like he could do this.

* * *

There came a point in the night where the laughter turned from loud to manic. It came at Natsu from all directions and it was like a forest fire. As soon as it got too close, it started to catch him, too, until he was laughing just as hysterically, just as loosely, just as wildly.

It was fake, just like he feared, but it felt good. Better than he expected. He decided people could whisper all they liked.

In amongst the lunatic fancies, Mira confessed to him things Natsu knew she'd never ever said. Her words fell out of his head just as quickly as she spoke them; he only retained about twenty percent That made him a bad listener but she had a lot to say.

He thought she said it was her that introduced Lisanna to the online chat forum months before she died. She was worried about her sister not getting the support she needed. Lisanna had always been shy and only, as far as Mira knew, had two friends, Natsu and a girl Natsu didn't remember meeting. Mira said they'd met after Natsu moved to the city.

She said other things, too. Secrets Natsu didn't think he had any business knowing. His own was on the tip of his tongue. He drank more to keep it down. Dead body guilt was different than the kind of guilt Mira was experiencing, he told himself. It didn't linger as long and it wasn't as corrosive so he could hold onto it for a little while longer.

"You're nice, Natsu, listening to me ramble." Mira closed her eyes and smiled. Her makeup wasn't as perfect as it was when the night began. Neither was her lipstick. It wasn't non-smudgy like Lucy's; it was smeared on his mouth promptly. Natsu didn't care until the next morning when he woke to her tiptoeing out of his room, her panties in her purse.


	15. Chapter 15

So all that's left

Is the proof that love's not only blind but deaf.

* * *

His bed and his skin smelled like lime and he realized that it _was_ body spray. There were stray white-blonde hairs on his pillowcases. It reminded him of Lisanna and it reminded him of Angel. It reminded him faintly of Lucy, as well. In the right light, her hair was white gold. He loved it and he hated that he loved it.

While he showered, Zeref came into the washroom unannounced and shaved, though he knew perfectly well that it made the water run cold. By the time Natsu was done, Zeref was, too. He lingered, though, to tell Natsu,

"I was surprised to see Mira this morning."

"She needed a place to crash," he said vaguely, ignoring Zeref's purposeful tone, the one that said he wanted Natsu to move on from Lucy and he wanted him to do it with a nice, fucked up girl like Mira. One that was semi-drowning but still treading the surface. A manageable girl. A girl just like him.

"It's Saturday. I'm probably going to be working late."

Natsu wanted to ask if that was at the coffee shop or at the shitty apartment he saw him leaving but didn't have the guts.

After Zeref left, it was just him and his thoughts and together, they travelled to weird places. Memories came back in fits and spurts. Mira's wet mouth, her limp hands. Her hair. It got tangled around his fingers. He'd pulled it too hard. She never scolded him.

Natsu shoved all of that aside. Who was to say what was real and what was fake, anyway?

He washed his sheets at the laundromat and when he returned home, he again cleaned the spot where Wally had met his end. Then he washed the dishes and cleaned the fridge. There was only a stick of butter in there and a mostly-empty bag of milk. He killed the rest of it with breakfast—stale cereal.

No matter how he tried to distract himself, his mind kept drifting back to a white-blonde place where he _almost_ didn't think about Lucy. Mira was sweet. She was sweet like Lisanna was sweet—sticky—she clung to his thoughts like honey to fingers—and too much—he felt sick thinking about her even as he craved more.

He needed to move to keep his thoughts in some order. He dropped his empty bowl of food pantry salvaged Toasted O's into the sink and got out of there, snagging his bike out of the end of the small hallway. The only place he wanted to go was too far to walk to.

* * *

Flies buzzed in the warm June sun, their wings making music. They zipped in front of Natsu's face and disappeared into the bright green forest only to resurface again and soar past his cheek. He wasn't fast enough to swipe them away.

The drive path sloped up for a long, long way. Sweat collected at his temples and slid through the stubble he'd yet to shave. He loosened the scarf his Grampy Igneel gave him before he died and regretted wearing it for the first time in years. He couldn't tell if it was the sun that was making him so uncomfortable, though or withdrawal.

A mosquito landed on his arm. It didn't get the chance to bite him before he dropped the bike he'd snagged out of a ditch two years ago and slapped it dead, but he still scratched the area until it was red and raw.

_Stop_.

Shotgun bullet casings littered the roadway, reds and greens and blues all coiled back like hotdogs sliced and then cooked over fire. Natsu left his bike where it was, spewed across the path, so he could pick one up and twirl it between his palms. With his hands busy like this, he didn't have to think about how irritated his arm was.

The hill crested and Natsu's eyes immediately zeroed in on the powder blue fridge. It was still knocked over. It had been moved, though, and significantly.

He was making that weird whining noise deep in his lungs again. He scraped his boots across the ground to get closer, it was the best he could manage.

At first, all he could focus on was the rusty, empty and crooked refrigerator, full of rainwater and dead June bugs, a spider or two and a hunk of hair that looked like it had come from some small mammal, but eventually, his eyes moved outwards, and he was able to see the four-wheeler tracks in the mud. Someone had taken their four-wheeler and driven right by the fridge. And not just right by, but they'd gotten too close and clipped the top right corner, too. There was a smear of rubber on the blue paint and a huge dent.

He could have cried. He chose to laugh instead. It sounded strangled and frenzied.

Natsu checked the quarry for anyone else before he got to work pushing the fridge back to where it belonged. It was hard going because the ground was softened by a June thunderstorm. His feet slid in the mud and the fridge got hung up. More than once, he wondered if it was a bad idea to move it. It was too late, though, he'd already started.

When it was sitting right again and he'd masked his footsteps as well as he could, Natsu stepped back and thought about what he'd done. He thought about the dead man six feet below the surface, his body sitting in a puddle of clay water because the water table was close here. He thought about the bricks and other weird garbage he had to move in order to dig the grave and he thought about how now, he felt sick. It could have been the kind of sick that came with covering up a murder, but it also could have been the kind of sick that came with withdrawal.

He took out his phone and called Brandish. She answered on the third ring.

"What is it?"

"Can we meet?"

"We could but I don't have anything, Natsu."

Those words sent barbs through his skin. "What? Why?"

"My supplier's gone."

"Gone?"

"He got picked up by the cops last night. Everything's fucked."

It was like hungry wolves ripped at his guts. He thought he could do this when heroin was still available to him. _Fuck_.

Brandish said something to someone else that actually stood beside her, then told Natsu, "I gotta go." She hung up in his ear well ahead of anything he might have said to keep her on the line.

* * *

Natsu walked through Magnolia for a long time with his bike ticking at his side. The chain needed to be oiled. He didn't really care to go through the trouble.

His feet carried him to a place he was honestly surprised to see. Fairy Hills was legendary in Magnolia, a group home for troubled youth. There was a motorbike out front and a girl was on her hands and knees looking at her bike with a sour look on her face. She tromped inside and the opportunity to ask if Mira was there was lost.

Natsu dropped onto the bench outside of the grounds and studied the tiered building. On one side was the boys' dorms, the other was the girls'. In the middle was where Headmaster Dreyar and Doctor Conbolt, the apparently perverted psychiatrist, had his office.

The door opened and a familiar face exited. Elfman barely looked at Natsu, he had eyes only for the motorcycle girl who walked at his side. He grabbed her bike by the seat after she was seated and the girl put her feet up. Elfman pushed her into a run. At first, Natsu thought they were playing but then she dropped the clutch and the bike roared to life and he realized that she had a problem with the starter.

She zipped down the block. Elfman jogged to a stop and waited for her to return for him. They took off together and Fairy Hills was silent again for several long moments until the door opened and Mira came out. She'd put her hair up and changed into short shorts and a tank top. There was a towel in her hand. She looked at where her friend's bike had been and screwed up her face. She started walking with purpose.

_Now or never_ , Natsu realized, otherwise she'd be out of range. "Mira!" She stopped and he rose. Her expression went through several transformations, surprise and disappointment and that could have been a twinge of regret that he dutifully ignored. "Hey."

"Hey," she said cautiously. "What's up?"

Natsu realized he was awkward. He'd never noticed before. "What are you doing?"

Mira sighed hugely. "Going to the beach."

"By yourself?"

"I was _supposed_ to go to with Cana but she was having problems with her bike. She asked Elfman to help her and… it looks like they left. So, yeah, I guess, by myself."

"I was thinking about going there, too."

One eyebrow came up. He never understood how she did that. Lisanna could do it, too. "You were?"

"Yeah. It's hot out." And he needed something to do. "We can go together."

She looked him over. He wasn't _dressed_ like it was hot out or like he was going to the beach, not wearing a leather jacket he sweated in and his favourite pair of converse. "What are you going to go swimming in?"

"I have shorts." Boxers. Who would know the difference?

Mira conceded and started walking again. Natsu fell into step beside her, not too close because he wasn't sure just what he was doing, but close enough that lime was in his nose again. He still didn't know how he felt about it.

* * *

Mira was stiff until they got to the water and started swimming. Then she sort of remembered that they used to have fun together. They raced, swimming above water and underneath, and they had handstand competitions but with no one to judge, it was hard to say who won. She hopped on his back and he piggybacked her through the water. He knew she, at least some of the time, used the leverage to look for her brother and her friend, but she never found them.

Eventually, as the sun got lazy on the horizon, she stopped doing that and just had fun. They finished the night off with another round of drinks and more deep-seated secrets and made a few of their own, too, in the shadow of a stubby cedar by the public washrooms.

* * *

Mira was more reserved the second day he showed up to Fairy Hills than the first. She came out, though, and they went back to the beach. Her laughs were harder to tease out, her smiles almost non-existent. She loosened up when Natsu offered her an oxie from the small pile he'd found in Zeref's room.

Mira lay on top of the picnic table on her back, legs crossed, arms folded behind her head. Natsu sat on the bench and watched the waves roll into shore from the upside-down V Mira's legs made. She shifted and his eyes focused closer. He could see the bottom of her behind; her bikini didn't hide everything. He found himself grossly fascinated and intrigued and turned off all at once. He remembered Ultear telling him she sometimes fucked her stepbrother and if he thought about it too long, this felt like the same kind of taboo. He'd known Mira for a long time. She was almost family.

"I thought she was my friend," Mira complained

"Who?"

Mira's head turned. Her hair coiled like springs, loop after damp loop. "Cana. All she does now is take off with Elfman."

"Where do they go?"

"That shitty abandoned theatre in town."

Natsu was familiar with the one. He'd spent some time there himself. "Oh."

"I think she's just using him. Everybody just fucking uses everybody."

"Not everyone."

Her head came around fast as a snake and she said, "You and I are the worst ones."

He was afraid to ask what she meant by that so he didn't.

* * *

Day five of a week-long heatwave brought more oxies and more bad decisions. Mira let him fuck her in the water when the beach was too crowded. It didn't feel as good as he thought it should. She tilted her head back and looked like a sad and lost mermaid. She clung to him too hard and he did the same, both of them hungry for something and both of them starving to death.

He helped her find her bikini bottoms before she had to walk out and everyone absolutely knew what they already suspected they were doing. They'd floated to the bottom of the clear lake. Natsu handed them to her and muttered about being thirsty; there was a fountain up by the washrooms. He left her in the water tripping into her bottoms and exited.

A few people catcalled. Most avoided looking at him, however, as he slogged to the beach washroom with a head full of cobwebs. Gold move between the two cedars out front. It was hard to tell if that was real or not, though. Sometimes, oxies made his eyes interpret strange things.

He walked past the washroom door and looked in between the bushes. No hallucination. Lucy waited for him. Of course she waited for him. He hesitated, on the brink of turning around and going about his business or touching her.

She looked hurt. She looked mad. She looked eager to see him, too, and the last was the only one that really stuck out in his mind.

"Hi."

"Did you follow me here?"

Lucy's expression was incendiary. "It's a fucking public beach." Her words were accusatory and he knew for certain she'd seen him and Mira.

He sighed and backed up, shuffling out of the enclosed area. It was gross in there; he'd been in a few times now but he was only just realizing. It was Lucy's contrast, really, that brought it to light. There was a condom wrapper at her feet, her flip-flops kept her away from it just barely, there were a broken bottle and the plunger of a needle all within a two-foot radius.

Before he could fully escape, Lucy grabbed his arm and wrenched him right back in. " _Wait_."

"What?"

She cast her eyes downward. Eventually, she said, "I haven't seen you."

"Because I've been avoiding you." And he'd like to keep it that way.

"Are you treating me this way because my family told you to?"

"I make my own decisions," Natsu hissed, suddenly Zeref-level angry.

Lucy flinched back and yet, she didn't let go of his wrist. "They threatened you, right? I was careless with the receipts and my dad found them but I learned my lesson. We'll be sneakier until we don't have to be anymore."

"Just stop." He pulled out of her grip. Lucy readjusted and pulled him right back in. Cedar branches dug into his back and he _liked_ it. He liked that it made all of this so very real when days had just been slipping by in a blur.

"No. I'm going to get what I need to put my father in jail and once that's done, Jellal won't care what I do."

She said it so stubbornly but Natsu wasn't sure, Jellal didn't look like a yes man to him. He looked like he made his own decisions and thought very little about the path not taken.

"Tell me what they said to you. We'll go to the police together."

She didn't understand what she was saying. He didn't understand what she was saying. Her words were tearing through his mind and igniting fires they had no business igniting, breathing hope into a thing he thought was hopeless—a thing that was _safer_ hopeless. "They're your family, Lucy."

"They're bad people. They deserve everything that happens to them."

Natsu saw red again, patters of blood, it drip, drip, _slopping_ down Zeref's leg, and thick things, too, things he'd had to pick up between his fingers and flush down the toilet.

" _Tell me_. We can be together again."

Blood got watery and pink before it got clean. Natsu again watched it run down the bed of the truck and into the drain at the carwash. He heard the scrubbies move over the floor. Scrape, and squelch, the blood pushed up and moved around.

Lucy stood on tiptoe and kissed the image away. She pushed against him her rage and her helplessness and all of her insecurities and like someone greedy, he took them and treasured them, though they were ugly and useless things. They were hers so he wanted them.

_Badly enough to hide another body_? asked a mean voice. _Badly enough to make Zeref kill for you again? Or will it be you doing the rough work this time?_

Natsu planted two hands on Lucy's shoulders and imagined he was plucking a burr from his clothing. Like a burr, she didn't go easily and left pieces of herself behind, her tears on his cheeks, her fingermarks on his arms, the memory of her mouth.

They both sucked in the same air in that narrow place but Natsu felt like he was a world apart from her. "You can't do that anymore."

She blinked at him; each time, a tear snuck out beneath her lashes. He had to get out of there and he had to get out now. He wheeled back and all but fell from the bushes.

It was another world out there in the beach park, people moved from the washrooms to the water or to the parking lot. Natsu saw a splash of white-blonde and raced for it. Mira had put on her shorts and that was it. She walked quickly, bits of water dripped from her hair and down her back.

"Mira!" Her shoulders got stiff so he knew she heard him. "Mira, wait!"

She looked at him sideways when he caught up and wore her anger on her face. "Fuck off."

"What? Why?"

She shook her head furiously and walked faster. Natsu grabbed her wrist and tried to hold her back. " _Wait_ , Mira—"

She wrenched out of his grip. "I can't be Lisanna and I can't be a rebound for Lucy. I can't be anyone for you." She muttered lastly, "I can't even be myself."

* * *

Angel had a way of showing up when she was needed most but wanted least. He caught her leaving his apartment with wet cheeks. She saw him, swiped away the tears, and stood straight.

"What's going on, Natsu?"

He slowed and lifted his shoulder. "Nothing."

"Do you have anywhere to be?"

Not really. He shook his head. Angel looped her arm through his and led him away from the apartment. He could have fought even the slightest, but he recognized the shape of the pipe in her back pocket and suspected she'd be generous.

There was a crooked picnic table on the edge of the river in town where people had burned their initials into the wood. Angel straddled one side of the table and Natsu took the other, watching as she pulled out her pipe and started packing it.

"Where did you get it from?"

"Brandish, who else?" Angel asked.

"She told me she had none."

"Because your brother told her she didn't, not for you."

Natsu felt a prick of rage in his chest.

"Don't look surprised, it's exactly something he'd do," she said.

It was.

She got the dark brick burning and putrid smoke filled the air. Natsu's chest was as tight as a vice, his skin shivered and his hands shook in anticipation.

She exhaled and caught his gaze. Her blue eyes made mince if his skin. "Did you tell him about us?"

Natsu paused reaching for the pipe. "There wasn't anything to tell."

She thought that meant something it didn't and when she handed over the pipe, she stood and leaned over the table, too. Natsu waited longer to pull away this time. He still stood, though, and he still left her.

He walked around Magnolia for hours, playing with the glass pipe in he'd pocketed, and then the lighter, assuming that he was directionless, but when the sun's rays started to hit the tops of the trees, he found himself at Gildarts'. He avoided the front door and went for the Bunkie. It was open, as Gildarts promised, dark with the drapes drawn and warm. He was suddenly, absolutely exhausted.

He started undoing his boots, the leather of his coat creaking, and finally realized that there was a pair of damp ankle boots on the _Welcome_ mat as well. He lifted his gaze and found a brunette in the bed. He looked around to confirm that he was where he was supposed to be. This _was_ Gildarts' Bunkie.

"Hi."

"Hey," the girl said and Natsu could smell the whisky on her breath even so far away.

"Uh..." Did he leave? Did he politely ask _her_ to leave? He didn't _know._

"I just crashed here last night," she said briskly. "I'll get out of your way."

"It's okay. I was just…" He trailed off. The girl—Mira's friend, he thought, the one that was hanging off Angel and kept ditching Mira for Elfman—eyed the lighter he still held and the bulbed pipe sticking out of his pocket. Her brows raised.

"You were?"

"I don't know what I was doing," he said after a moment and put the lighter away. With his hands free, he dug them into his hair and earned himself a sympathetic look.

She stood—she'd slept fully clothed—and offered him her hand. "Cana."

"Natsu." He liked the way she was off-balance and reeking of booze. She was a mess, too.


	16. Chapter 16

And love is not enough

* * *

The stars rolled out above Natsu's head, so clear and so bright here on the beach at the edge of town where no streetlights shone, he could actually make out the greens and pinks of each cluster. Lucy would have told him it was the gasses that filled the galaxies that made them that way. She would have gushed that it was so rare to get an opportunity to see them like this. He thought about texting her. She'd like to see it. She'd come if he asked, too.

In the interest of keeping what tentative peace he could, Natsu put his phone out of reach and instead tried to share the knowledge with Cana, though she seemed exasperated to hear it. It could have been because he couldn't seem to explain anything without bringing up Lucy. Or it could have been that she didn't care much for the sky. Whatever the case, she changed the subject just as soon as she could, asking Natsu,

"Are things still weird with your brother?"

She knew almost all of his terrible secrets for one reason: because she asked. She told him last week that it made her feel less fucked up. The feeling was mutual. It felt good to air his dirty laundry to her. Better than it did when he aired it to Mira. Mira cared too much about everything recently. Cana? She took his plight without getting too invested, only morbidly curious for curiosities sake. Because of that, the only secret he managed to keep was the body buried out in the quarry.

Natsu said, "He's still lying about working at the coffee shop, if that's what you mean."

"Why don't you just ask him what he's doing at the apartment?" Everything for Cana was very straight-forward. When she had something to say, she said it regardless if people hated hearing it or not. Sometimes, it was a lot. But it worked for him. The more Natsu lied, the more Natsu craved the truth.

"If he wanted me to know, he'd tell me."

"Okay, but he won't, so you gotta tell him to come clean. The way I see it, it's your business, too," Cana said. "You live in that apartment; you use the money Zeref's bringing in. You deserve to know where it's coming from and what he's doing to get it."

Natsu locked his hands behind his head. The ground beneath him was lumpy, the grass still hot from the mid-July sun.

Cana noticed his shifting but didn't seem to care how uncomfortable he was. "If you're usually tight and he's just started keeping secrets, _something's not right._ You have to ask yourself, what's so bad that he's lying, huh? What shit has he gotten himself into?"

"Yeah..."

"So _ask_ him," she pressed.

"It's not so easy." Lately, Zeref had been more difficult to approach.

"Just think of it this way, anything he does affects you, too. If you don't believe me, after my mom died, I was living with one of her old friends. She grew pot in her attic and told me about it because if the cops came, she told me to get out of there to her old boyfriends' house and hang out there, otherwise, they'd find me and put me in the system." It sounded to Natsu like maybe that's what should have happened anyway. "Sure enough, her place was raided and you know what I did? I didn't fucking listen and look where it got me. I was stuck at Fairy Hills going through therapy and now I have a fucking apartment I can't afford because I can't keep a shitty job. Tell your brother you want to know."

When she put it that way...

"Alright."

Cana flashed her teeth. "Good." Things got quiet between them. "Do you have another joint?"

He almost always did now because he was trying to use it to replace the hard stuff. He's been doing okay for a couple of weeks with some help in between, meaning when things got really bad, he'd shave off thin bits of the brick he'd commandeered from Angel, and smoke it, telling himself it was actually helping to ween him off. He wasn't that good of a liar, he felt just as lunatic about it now as he had been the first time Ultear and Brandish had let him try it, but illusion was everything when you found yourself knocking on the door of _lifetime-abuser_.

"Here." Natsu tossed her a package of cigarettes. Cana found the joint rolled up and stuffed in the corner. She lit it and took a few inhales before rolling over and passing it his way. He smoked the rest, so much greedier now.

Cana watched him stub out the cinders and keep the roach. "Is there anyone else?"

"Huh?"

"Girls, Natsu. Are you fucking other girls now that Lucy's off the scene?"

"I guess."

"You guess?"

"A few, yeah." His bedroom's revolving door had slowed down to Ultear and occasionally Brandish but that was still more than he was used to.

"Good." Cana rolled over again, positioning herself on top of him and he realized that she was interested in joining the ranks.

Her bikini top got lost in the sand and her underwear, too. After, he gave over his shirt. It fit her badly; she laughed about it, though, and told him she had more bikinis. Natsu still offered to buy her a new one anyway; she told him she wasn't a whore.

He drove her back to a part of town called the Patch, low income housing that Zeref tried qualifying for once upon a time on Gildarts' request. It didn't work out for some vague and likely made up reason, if Natsu knew his brother. Like Cana said, a person needed a steady and legal job to qualify for that funding and Zeref never had much time for either.

Natsu pulled up to a nondescript townhouse and dropped the motor into neutral.

Cana took the door handle. "Thanks for the lift."

Natsu heard himself blurt, "What are you doing tomorrow?"

Cana looked at him reprovingly from the corner of her eye. "Why?"

The question was loaded. Natsu shrugged nonchalantly. "Just wondering."

Cana slipped out of the truck without a response. Natsu bit back the urge to chase her. Girls like Cana could run forever and he was tired of running.

He drove home slowly, hoping not to catch the attention of any police. The last thing he needed was a driving under the influence charge. Some people pulled out around him and honked. Natsu was too paranoid to speed up any more, though he knew that going too slowly was just as bad as speeding or erratic driving. He kept checking his rear view and fettering the gas. _Heroin_ didn't make him feel like this. The thought was sudden an unwelcomed. He felt want claw at his guts. He took a deep breath and turned on the radio. That was almost worse. the DJ's voice warbled and warped, getting too loud in all the wrong places. He shut up and _Sympathy for the Devil_ by the Rolling Stones came on.

Natsu listened to the song for forty seconds before it took him on a bad trip and he had to turn it off. Then it was just him and the Dakota and the bumpy road. His head was not a quiet place. It was screaming at him about how pot almost always seemed to do this to him when music was involved and how Black Pearl never treated him like this. He dug his fingers into the steering wheel.

"We don't fuck with heroin. We don't. We don't fuck with heroin." Repeating his brother had helped in the first week and a little into the second but by the time the third came along, it was losing its effectiveness. Now? The words were all but meaningless.

He scratched his arms to see if he could scrub the feeling away. It only made his skin burn. He smoked another cigarette, though he'd smoked so many that night that his tongue was prickly. That and the promise of a small hit when he stopped was enough to get him through the car ride home.

Natsu put the truck in its usual spot. There was another truck beside him that he didn't recognize. He didn't think much on it until he was at the front door of his apartment and an old man with a long grey beard exited. He only glanced at Natsu before dismissing him and walked with purpose, the hem of his jeans dragging the ground beneath his work boots. His red and black plaid shirt was invisible in seconds.

Zeref was sitting on the couch when Natsu came in, a thick stack of cash in front of him. He was counting it out and making small piles of it, one for rent, one for gas, one for food, one for cell phones, one for vice. He looked at Natsu through a fringe of black hair.

"Where have you been?"

"Out."

"I needed the truck."

Natsu shrugged. "It's back."

"I don't need it anymore," Zeref said exasperatedly.

"Then what's the problem?" He didn't know when he got to be so bratty.

Zeref chose not to fight with him. "Just tell me when you're going to take it."

Natsu loosened his scarf. It was going to need to be washed soon, it was getting hot out. "Who was that old guy?"

Zeref's head was back in his money. "Hm?"

"The guy that just walked out of here. Who was he?"

"Just a guy I'm doing some work with."

"What kind of work?"

"Just mind your own business, Natsu, the less you know about anything, the better."

"So it's not legal work."

"Everything's legal if you don't get caught. There's pizza in the fridge," he added without missing a beat. "Beer, too, if you want."

Must have been a great pay day. Natsu remembered his conversation with Cana. "I deserve to know."

Zeref sat back and looked at Natsu directly. "Leave it alone."

"No. If it's going to bring the cops around, I want to know."

"Nothing's going to bring the fucking cops around. I got everything under control." Zeref waved him off. "Get out of my face now, I got shit to do."

"You don't know—"

Zeref stood and pushed him by the shoulder toward his room. He was strong and soberer than Natsu was. He had anger on his side, too. "Go."

Natsu went automatically but once he was staring at his own four walls, he shoved his hands through his hair, frustrated. Everything made him fucking frustrated lately. His brother's taciturn behaviour, Mira's complete dismissal, Cana with her hot and cold friendship. His phone buzzed and he added Lucy to the list as he got an Instagram DM request from a girl named Aquarius. The profile picture was a generic screen cap of a galaxy.

Natsu chucked his phone on his dresser. It knocked over some deodorant and cologne and spun to the floor. He left it there and went for the pipe he'd stuffed under his mattress. He couldn't find it immediately and felt a hot poke of panic pierce his guts. He searched deeper.

It still couldn't be found.

Natsu pulled up the mattress entirely. The box spring was fucking empty.

He held his breath and thought hard about where he put it last.

Definitely under his mattress. He'd had the same hiding spot since he was eleven.

Natsu marched back out into the living room. "Where is it?"

Zeref was on his phone texting to someone and barely looked up. "Where's what?"

"My pipe."

"Oh."

"Oh? Zeref? Where the fuck is it?"

He set down his phone and looked at Natsu calmly. "I threw it out."

Natsu repeated, "You threw it out."

"I told you to get rid of it. You didn't listen. I made the decision easier."

"Like you told Brandish not to sell to me anymore."

Zeref was without shame. "Kinda, yeah."

Natsu was so furious, he had no words. He marched to the front door but didn't make it very far; Zeref grabbed his collar and held him back.

"It's late, you're not going out."

Natsu hit him well before he remembered making the conscious decision to do so. Zeref stumbled back and swiped the back of his hand over his bleeding mouth. He didn't look mad about it. He looked relieved. Like he knew what to do with Natsu when he was throwing punches. Better than he knew what to do with him when he was drowning in grey heroin smoke. He tightened his hold on Natsu's shirt and got a dangerous look in his eye. He was toeing an episode. He hadn't had one in years.

"You want to hit me? Come on, then."

Natsu was all of a sudden nervous. He backed up, squirming to get out of Zeref's iron grip. "Fuck off."

"No, go ahead." He waved at himself. "Hit me. I deserve it."

"Fuck off, Zeref."

"I know you want to, so just fucking do it. Hit me. Hit me. _Hit me."_ He was screaming now, and pushing Natsu. Natsu did what he asked and punched him in the mouth.

Zeref looked surprised. And exuberant. "Again."

Natsu held up his hands. "No. I'm done; I'm not doing this."

Zeref always knew how to get him, though. His punches were just as fast and brutal now as they had been when they were teenagers. He got Natsu in the ear, of all places. His head rung and his eyesight doubled. His knuckles stung next, and Zeref was bleeding from his cheek. He looked gruesome, smiling, and completely mad. He hit Natsu back, pushing him into the TV stand. They both went over, the tube breaking, a bottle of beer breaking, the coffee table breaking. Zeref was on him, never giving Natsu a chance to catch his breath. Natsu held off his brother and got in a few more hits of his own before his vision got hazy.

* * *

It was difficult to say how long he'd been unconscious for. When he tried to check his phone, the screen was cracked. He tipped his head back. The curtains were drawn but he could see the orange glow of a streetlamp, meaning it was still dark out. Like it was dark inside, the only light coming from the washroom.

Pain pierced between Natsu's eyes. He squinted them closed and groaned. "Zeref?" _Hit me_. "Zeref?" _I deserve it_. "Zer—" He didn't know why he was calling him. The apartment felt dead in the way abandoned places do. He wasn't there, and even if he was, Natsu didn't want to see him.

He rolled over through the broken TV glass. It looked like Zeref had started to clean it up but gave up after picking up the largest slices. Small ones poked Natsu's forearms annoyingly. He got to his knees and then to his feet and brushed what bits off he could before realizing that his head was spinning like a merry-go-round. He had to _stop_ and keep his head level for the feeling to go away.

A truck slowly went by the front window and turned into the parking lot. Natsu was sure it was Zeref and he was sure that he wanted to get out of there before he had to see his brother. He bit the inside of his cheek to help him focus through the queasiness and staggered out of the front door.

He jogged blindly, across the street, through an alley or two, and then out into the path of a passing car. Breaks locked up and a horn honked. Natsu felt the bumper just kiss his thighs. It put him off balance but he managed to catch himself on the hood.

"Are you fucking crazy?" the driver yelled.

Natsu waved him off and kept going.

There was a group of people on a street corner. One of them broke away from the others. "Natsu?"

He knew that voice. He tried to find Angel but spinning made him dizzier. He had to wait for her to come to him, hands out, the most concerned expression on her face that he'd ever seen her wear. That must have been her nurse face.

"Are you okay? Did you get into a fight?" She was already pulling out her phone. Natsu thought it was to call an ambulance but then he recognized his brother's face in her contacts list. In the picture, he was lying back in the grass with a cigarette in his mouth, no shirt.

"I'm fine," he said.

She wasn't looking at him. "Zeref's going to want to know."

"Who do you think did this?"

Her finger hovered over the call button; her bottom lip disappeared.

Natsu sought to distract her. "Can I crash at your place tonight?"

She wavered for so long, Natsu thought she'd say no, and when her head nod finally did come, it was almost imperceptible.

* * *

Angel lived in a basement apartment that smelled exactly like she did. Incense and cinnamon body lotion.

It was sparsely furnished, a couch, a kitchen table that hadn't been used as such in a long time—it's top was covered by an aquarium that was filled not with water but sand. A scorpion clicked its claws against the glass, eyeing Natsu when he got too close.

"Sit," Angel pointed to the couch. Natsu sat and leaned back. The couch was puffy and comfortable in the way that ancient couches were. He felt immediately better. Tipping his head back cleared his airway and closing his eyes soothed them. He was going to have two shiners, for sure.

Angel came back laden with supplies. She sat on the arm of the couch with her legs looped over his middle and started gently daubing the blood away. She got to his nose and Natsu's eyes watered. He thought it was fractured, at the very least.

Angel asked, "What did you do to piss him off?"

"Asked him why he keeps going to that apartment and lying to me about working at the coffee shop."

Angel burst the months-long mystery for him. "The guy that lives there runs Magnolia's chop shop."

"A chop shop?"

"You know, they get stolen vehicles, disassemble them and sell off their parts."

"Why would he be talking to him?"

Angel raised one perfectly sculpted brow.

Oh. "He's working in the shop?"

Angel shook her head and Natsu went one step further. "He's stealing the cars?"

Angel let him stew in it but did defend Zeref a little, saying, "We've all done things we're not really proud of to get by."

Natsu thought about the last shipment of Angel's stolen drugs he'd pedaled. Was that any better or worse than what Zeref was doing? Any more dangerous or harmful to others?

His moral compass was shoddy at best lately.

"Your brother knows what he's doing," Angel added. "He's always in control."

Natsu ran his tongue between his swollen lips and his teeth. "Yeah."

She added stinging antiseptic to his face and bandaged where she could and then gave him some oxies that he didn't really need but wanted. He took them with a glass of water she brought back from the kitchen.

Angel got herself back up on the arm of the couch and watched his eyes get glassy. She did talk, though Natsu lost focus on what she was talking about beyond, _I've been thinking about you_ and other similar words that made sense in a sentence, but not when they were spoken to him from Angel's mouth. He only really came back to it when she started undoing the little white top she wore.

He'd seen the tops of her breasts before, she was always wearing revealing clothing, but this was different. They looked fuller and rounder and more precariously perched in her push-up bra. She lifted up and her shorts went the same way. Her bra and underwear matched, white with little red cherries. She was a little soft through her middle and toned everywhere else.

"You can touch me."

He could. If he wanted.

"Please."

He just looked at her. She took his hand and put it on her thigh and once he was there, it was like he could move. He skimmed the inside of her leg and brushed over the cotton of her panties because that's what you did when a girl put your hand between her legs. Angel sighed and spread wide for him. He made circles above the fabric of her underwear, caught in some insane loop where he knew fucking his brother's on-again, off-again girlfriend was a bad idea but somehow in a place where he didn't care.

She moaned and spread wider still. Natsu pulled her underwear aside and used his other hand to get inside. He almost panicked finding large labia. Everyone he'd been with before that moment had been neat and tidy. Angel, though, was bold _everywhere_. Natsu didn't understand why her body being different from everyone else's should make this more taboo but it did. He liked it, in a way, even if it was intimidating.

"Both of them," she commanded. It took Natsu some time to puzzle through her vague command and realize what she wanted. He'd never had anyone ask for anything anal before but obliged, moving slowly and carefully. Only partway inserted, Angel started to shake. Another centimeter inside her and she came.

The tremors stopped and she shifted position, getting on top of him and undoing his pants. She had a condom; Natsu didn't know where it came from. He wasn't really in a place to care. She did all of the work for him, putting his dick in her mouth and sucking him off so he was so, so close to coming, then putting the condom on and sliding down on top.

He closed his eyes and let it happen.

* * *

A solid, long and repetitive drone brought Natsu from a foggy dream-like place. Someone was sleeping on his lap. They moved and his legs got cold. He opened his eyes and watched Angel throw her shirt on over her naked torso and trip into her underwear.

_It's the door,_ Natsu realized. Someone was at the door making that banging sound. And his dick was out, soft but still in a condom. He was a fucking mess. He pulled up his boxers but that was as far as he got. Angel opened the door and Zeref was there, tall and brooding and looking worried beneath his bruised jaw and cheek.

He had been focused on Angel, saying something like, " _Richard said he saw you leave with Natsu,_ " but he trailed off when he saw Natsu on the couch. He barely skipped a beat, though Natsu thought he missed nothing. "Let's go."

Natsu didn't have it in him to argue. His head was cottony and his mouth was dry and all of last night's abuse was coming back, amplified. "Washroom?"

Angel said, "Third door on the left."

While he got rid of the condom and cleaned up, Zeref and Angel spoke quietly in the living room. Natsu could hear them until he started to pee, then everything got washed out. When he came back out, Angel was standing much closer to Zeref and he was inclined toward her. Zeref looked up, saw Natsu, and stood straighter.

"Thanks for taking care of him."

Angel half-smiled. "Anytime."

Zeref waved Natsu out of the door. He grabbed his Converse and walked through Angel's backyard barefoot.


	17. Chapter 17

Love, is it real love? It's like smilin' when the firin' squad's against you and you just stay lined up.

* * *

Zeref's knuckles were white on the steering wheel all the way down Main Street. The colour made the fresh scabs really stand out against his skin. Natsu tongued his cheek. His face was fucked up, sure, but was it that level of fucked up or did Zeref find someone else to cut through in an attempt to satiate his rage? It was hard to say and he didn't know how to ask, afraid of another outburst.

"Lucy came by the apartment last night."

Natsu's guts sank. "I told her not to."

"She's not really the kind of girl that does what you tell her. I thought you knew that?"

In fact, it was part of what he loved about her. It was proving to be really fucking troublesome now. "Was there trouble after?"

Zeref considered his next words carefully, obviously weighing the pros and cons of dishing up his next bit of information.

Natsu ripped the words out. "Did you have to go back out to the quarry?"

Zeref looked at him sharply. "Shut up about that, will you? How the fuck can we move on when you've still got your head all tangled up with that shit?"

"Did you?"

"No. Now like I said, shut up. It's not any of your business."

Natsu found he was still mad. Mad enough to pick a fight.

Zeref sidetracked him. "Her family's got her watched. The guy changes every few days but one of her tails is a friend of mine. He was on her last night and didn't care that she came over."

"So... her father doesn't know?"

"For now. I didn't tell her not to come back."

"Why would you do that?"

He took in a breath so huge, it made his shoulders lift. "Because you're my little brother and I want you to be happy."

"I can't be that with Lucy."

Zeref looked supremely disappointed, though they both knew it was a terrible idea from the start.

They didn't say another word to each other again until Natsu was in the living room, looking at the mess they'd made. Zeref got a broom and started sweeping and while he worked, he told him, "I called Gildarts."

"What for?"

"To tell him you're staying over for a few days."

"More chop shop business?"

Zeref didn't look at all surprised that he knew; Angel must have told him she blabbed. "You need a few days and so do I. I'll get this place cleaned up and when you come back, everything will be better."

"Define better?"

"We'll stop pretending," Zeref said bluntly.

Natsu wanted clarification but Gildarts' yellow muscle car pulled up in front of the building and Zeref went back to cleaning.

"I packed a bag for you."

"What if I don't want to go?"

He didn't give him an answer.

The door was knocked upon. Natsu waited for Zeref to move but he didn't so Natsu got it.

Gildarts had schooled his face into a smile but Natsu could see past it to the worry. "Hey kid, ready to go?"

Not really. When he considered telling him to go away, though, he played out a scenario where he stayed at home with his brother. He didn't want to. He didn't want to think about the silent awkwardness that followed after you spent the night with your brother's girlfriend. He didn't want to think about staying there to clean up the mess they'd made when Zeref pushed him through the coffee table. Going back to his parents was somehow worse and he didn't relish spending the night out on the street.

He wondered if Cana would take him in but thought probably not. She was skittish, afraid of anything getting too real.

"Let me grab my bag."

* * *

Gildarts had the day off, which was a blessing and a curse. He made lunch, which Natsu wasn't too interested in eating, but then he hooked up the SNES and they played Mario Cart for hours. The first hour that ticked past was rough, but by the second, Natsu had drunk a litre of water, picked at the curly fries Gildarts made and felt a little more human. He won a round, he laughed some, he petted Rosie and then helped make dinner, though he was dreading the last. Standing at the counter with food splayed out in front of him? That's when Gildarts always broached the hard subjects.

Today was no exception. Natsu was chopping up an onion and Gildarts was heating up the skillet when he asked, "Why'd you and Zeref get into it?"

"Who says we did?"

"His face is fucked up, your face is fucked up, and you're over here. I don't need to be a detective to figure it out."

No, he supposed not. Natsu sighed. "I don't know. He just flipped."

"For no reason?"

There were plenty of reasons. None of them was very good.

"Does it have to do with that girl? Angel?"

"How do you know about her?"

"Because Zeref came here looking for you and when he didn't find you, he said he was going to check her place."

Natsu took the onions to the skillet and dumped them in. Oil sizzled. "It wasn't about Angel."

Gildarts waited patiently for him to spill. Natsu always did.

"He goes through my shit and throws it out. I called him on it and he had a meltdown."

"Don't hold it against him. His methods are shitty, I know, but he didn't know how else to get through to you."

Natsu didn't know if it was better or worse that Gildarts seemed to know. On one hand, he didn't have to sneak and lie but on the other, he felt like he'd disappointed him, somehow.

"He shouldn't have touched it."

"That could be said of both of you but people make mistakes."

Natsu's mouth worked itself into a frown. "Everything's fine."

"It's not, Natsu. You know it's not. You're not the only one in the world that's ever gone through it, though."

"Ah, fuck." He didn't want to sit through an ' _everyone has struggles'_ talk.

Gildarts marched on stoically. "When Cornelia left me, I got bad into the sauce. My work almost fired me."

"You did?"

"Yeah. I thought I didn't have anything to fill my nights with so why not booze? Things got pretty fucked for a while."

"How'd you pull out of it?"

"Things were going badly for Zeref and your family and I knew you were going to be out next and I told myself that I might not have Cornelia but I still had people important to me."

Natsu stared at the ground uncomfortably. "I guess."

"And you know how he feels about snow, but did Zeref ever tell you about when he was in thick with Black Pearl?"

"No."

"There was a six-month stint after he first moved out where I pulled his head out of more than a few toilets."

And that's why they didn't fuck with heroin.

"My point is, you have people that understand and care and that want to help if you'll let us."

He didn't want to be that person, wrung out on the street corner begging for change so he could pay his dealer. He didn't want it to be the only thing he thought about. He didn't want to fuck his brother's girlfriend because he couldn't discern right from wrong. "Okay."

Gildarts made sure to tell him, "It's going to be hard. You might even have relapses, but that's okay. We'll get through it."

* * *

The third night Natsu was "clean"—he allowed himself only cigarettes—he was lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling when he heard a key in the lock of the Bunkie. He pushed up on his elbows, expecting Cana and glad, she would be a good distraction for his sweaty, anxious and sleepless night. The person that came through, though, wasn't Cana. He knew as soon as he smelled her perfume and wasn't sure if he was furious or glad; that seemed to be his usual state whenever Lucy was involved, though.

He watched her in the moonlight. She was wearing high tops and took them off at the door. She was in a jean jacket and took that off, too. Under that, she wore a dark crop top and a pair of shorts that really were more like underwear.

She gathered her hair over her shoulder and scrunched it between her two hands like she was wringing a towel dry. She always did that when she was nervous.

Her shoulders got straight and her hands dropped to her sides and she crossed the room.

Natsu watched her come to the head of the bed and felt her weight settle down on the mattress beside his shoulder. Her hand rested just gently against his bicep and she squeezed. "Natsu?"

He considered faking it until she went away. Like she read his mind, Lucy said, "I know you're awake. You always snore."

"No, I don't."

Natsu watched Lucy's cheeks fill with a smile. "You're asleep, how would you know?"

Natsu pulled himself out of their familiar banter. "You shouldn't be here."

"Zeref said you were going through some stuff."

"What?" Natsu croaked.

"And that you'd be at Gildarts' for a while." She wrung her fingers together.

He sighed and pressed his palms against his eyes. "So you rushed over and invited yourself into my room?"

"I spoke to Gildarts first," she said defensively.

"You didn't knock."

"You never used to knock on my window, you just climbed inside. It's what we do."

"Did."

Her eyes were bright by the pale moonlight. She was crying because she was mad or sad and Natsu didn't want to ask which. She didn't attack him for making her feel that way. "Do you want to talk about what's going on with you?"

"Nothing's going on."

She gave him such a look that he sighed and came back with, "Talking to my ex-girlfriend about it is actually literally the last thing I want to do."

Lucy's fingers crushed the blankets. "Okay. I understand."

She wasn't meant to. But she always seemed to.

"Can I lie down with you?"

"Shouldn't you go home? Won't you be missed?"

"My dad is out of the country again and Jellal sicked one of his lackeys on me. He's Zeref's friend, though, and said if I wanted a night to just do me, then to take it."

"And you believed him."

"Why wouldn't I?"

Lucy was such an idealist. Trusting everyone too quickly. And stubborn, lying down on his bed without his express permission. She curled in on herself, leaving a bit of space between them. He could stand that space less than he could stand her presence. It was another thing to withhold himself from, though, and it distracted from the hollow in his belly.

They were quiet, staring at each other through the fabric of shadow.

"I kissed someone," Lucy told him. "After I saw you and that girl at the beach. I thought, why should Natsu get to move on and all I do is miss him?"

"Was it Loke?" Natsu asked, though he thought he didn't really want to know.

"I don't even like him," she said in answer and he felt his guts clench. "I just wanted to hurt you. The worst part? He wouldn't even kiss me back. He's a fuck boy that wouldn't fuck."

Where did one sign up for classes on that? That kind of fortification could have saved him a lot of guilt.

Lucy got quiet again like she expected a confession from him. And he wanted to tell her. "I hooked up with Zeref's girlfriend. And he knows. He's acting like it didn't happen, though."

"Would you rather him be mad?"

A little. The silent treatment was just another testament to how out of control his life had gotten lately. Zeref wasn't angry because he thought it was the drugs doing the fucking, not his little brother. It was infuriating. He didn't want the drugs to be the problem. He loved them.

Lucy shifted and put her hand in his. "Even at your worst, you're still Natsu. Competitive. Obsessed with skeeball and dragons and food. Zeref knows it, I know it. Things are just kind of weird right now."

It shouldn't have made his throat close tight but it did. He didn't know why it should make him reach for her either, but it did.

Lucy settled beneath his hand on her cheek, surprising him. He thought she would have scooted over a little more, tried to pry a response out of him, but she didn't. Not having that from Lucy left him feeling more afloat than he already was.

It was selfish but if he couldn't count on Lucy being Lucy, he couldn't count on anything. "Didn't you come to convince me that we could actually do this? Be together?"

"It's more important that you be yourself again," she said.

"But you still want this."

She searched his eyes. "I've told you how I feel."

He kissed her. And he kissed her again. The way she kissed him back spoke of want but surprise. She wasn't lying, she was the same old Lucy, wanting the same old things. She felt the same, soft skin, generous waist, warm. She smelled the same, vanilla and hints of lavender. She kissed the same, she always touched his bottom lip with her tongue when she wanted entry, she always moaned on the tail end of her sighs when she was excited, she always wrapped her leg around his and pulled him on top.

Natsu rerouted his frustration into her and kissed her hard and long. Each second that passed made her grasp at him more frantically, made them both forget the months that stood between them, the hurt and the lies.

She grabbed his holy and well-loved band shirt and pulled it over his head. She did the same for her own and then pulled him right back down so there was no space between them.

He could have just continued to kiss her and be happy but Lucy wriggled out of her shorts and her underwear and showed him what she wanted and he gave it to her because being with her again, he felt like himself. Or as close to himself as he could get.

Afterwards, she stood and started to dress. Not just dress, but get her shoes on, too.

"Is that it?"

Lucy looked back over her shoulder. "It's what you want, isn't it?"

He sat on the edge of his bed and dug his hands through his hair, trying to think of an answer. Was it? Was it not? And if not, what did he want?

"Because I could tell you that I found a way for this to work." He hung onto her words despite himself. "I could tell you all about Jellal's mistress and the information I've been gathering on her. I could tell you about my dad's shady business deal and the horrible, terrible things I think him and my uncle have done. I could tell you about the work I have ahead of me, proving it."

All those sounded like dangerous things.

"You need to be careful, Lucy."

"I didn't think you'd be interested. I'll see you around," Lucy said with a glibness Natsu didn't think her capable of. She left him with a warm spot on his bed that still smelled like her body lotion.


	18. Chapter 18

Baby, you's a man on a wire

Risking all that you've got

For the love of your life

* * *

Lucy was a bad disease, rotting Natsu from the inside. She was all he thought about. He wanted to talk to her and though he knew it likely wasn't wise, he broke at the end of the second day after she'd left—five days so sober, his teeth hurt.

She wouldn't answer her phone or return his texts. She wouldn't contact him on Instagram or Twitter and her Facebook was horribly silent. He tried everything, telling her that he needed her, apologizing, though he didn't know just what he was saying sorry for, begging.

Silence. Silence. Silence.

Gildarts came into the Bunkie a couple times to remind him to shower and eat. Natsu put himself into the bathtub but he did not eat more than a few bites of anything at any time. Couldn't. Everything was just too raw and he couldn't figure out what would make it better.

Gildarts went to work. He came back. He left again. And came back again.

Natsu's phone buzzed a few times. Once was Zeref, asking him how he was. Natsu ignored him. His mother called. He didn't have the guts to see what she wanted and after the second time his phone went to voicemail, she never called again. Angel texted him, too, just _how's it going_? While he was in the middle of trying to figure out if he should tell her to fuck off or not, Cana reached out to him, not because she knew he was fucked up and needed someone but because she was.

There were only so many days a person could stare at a ceiling, slowly itching their skin from their arms before they went stir-crazy and took the first out that came to them. Natsu put on clothes that he took from the bag he hadn't unpacked, jeans, a T-shirt, and stepped outside for the first time in days. The sun made him squint and cold air surprised him. July was gone and here was August, some days were bitterly hot, others bitterly cold, the most temperamental of the summer months. It was his mother's favourite.

He met Cana at the Patch, outside of her new low-income home. She was in her leather jacket today and a pair of black tights with mesh in them. Her hair was loose around her shoulders. She looked wild, on the hunt for normalcy but pushing away every semblance thereof.

There was a bottle of vodka in her hand, disguised as a purple water bottle. She thrust it upon him as soon as he was near.

"I'm okay," Natsu told her.

"Suit yourself. More for me." She took a huge swig. "Let's go."

"Where are we going?" Natsu asked.

"Does it matter?"

Gildarts would be wondering where he got off to if he wasn't back by the time he got home, but Natsu had been cooped up for so long, he thought no, it didn't matter much. He just had to get _out._

"Let's go to the beach," Cana decided, though it was a bit cold for that. She tried to go for her bike; she was so unstable on her feet, though, Natsu was sure they'd end up either with a DUI or dead.

"Let's just walk. I need to stretch my legs."

She was easy going when she was drunk and fell into step beside him. "Okay."

* * *

The beach was deserted; people shy of the cool breeze. Cana chose the same picnic table Natsu and Mira had those weeks ago. She dropped down on the bench and took out a joint. She had trouble lighting it, the breeze snuffing out her lighter time and again. Natsu finally cupped his hands around it for her. Thick white smoke worked down into his lungs and filled a void he'd been too aware of for too long.

Cana tried to pass him the joint, Natsu stared at it. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Then take some."

It wasn't heroin. It wasn't even addictive the way heroin was. He took it and chased it with a cigarette.

"What's been going on with you lately?" Cana asked. "I haven't seen you around much."

He shrugged. "I've been staying at Gildarts'."

Her face froze; the expression was gone a millisecond later. "What's with you guys?"

"What do you mean?"

"How do you know him? Why do you just sometimes stay at his place? What's _with you_?"

Natsu took another inhale off her joint; his thoughts were starting to go soft and reality and him were looking very separate from each other. "I've known Gildarts for as long as I can remember. He's kinda like family."

"Like an uncle?"

"Like the dad I wish I had," he said with a laugh that was much too light for the situation.

Cana took her joint back from him and almost dropped it. She caught it last-second and burned the tips of her fingers. If she felt it, she made no indication. She killed it dead and then was quiet for so long, Natsu thought he'd said something wrong. She picked up her water bottle and drank three huge mouthfuls and that seemed to loosen her up again. "So you like, live with him sometimes?"

"Yeah."

"Is he chill?"

"Yeah."

"Does he ever talk about his family?"

Natsu shook his head. "Nope. As far as I know, me and Zeref are it."

She made a noise like disgust and took another hit off her water bottle, obviously in the mood to get right fucked.

"Maybe you should slow down."

"Why? I don't have anywhere to be tomorrow."

He bit back the old man lecture he was working towards. Who was he to tell Cana how to live her life?

"Did you get your shit figured out with Lucy?"

"No. She showed up at Gildarts', though."

"And?"

"And nothing."

Cana snorted. "You fucked her."

He glared at her out of the corner of his eye. "I never said that."

"Please. You never had to. It's written all over your face. You fucked her. And then what?" Cana seemed too interested in his strife. Like she wanted to hear that he suffered.

"She left, okay?"

She laughed, not like it was funny and not like she was being mean, but like she just didn't believe it. "She left you?"

"She didn't _leave_ me." They'd have to still be together for _that._

"Then what?"

"We fucked and then she walked out."

"And that's it? You haven't seen her since?"

He admitted, "I tried calling her and texting her but I haven't been able to get a hold of her."

"Maybe she's busy?"

Lucy was never too busy for him.

Cana knew what he was thinking. "Maybe she's fucking with you. It's what I would do. Hypothetically, of course. If I was ever dumb enough to get a boyfriend."

Natsu pressed his fingers into his temple and closed his eyes, listening to the waves crash on shore and the wind whistle in his ear. "Lucy's not like that."

Cana pressed her water bottle into his hand as a silent apology. He drank some without opening his eyes.

"Let's go swimming."

"Now?"

"Why not?" She stood and stripped off her jacket and her tank top and then her tights, so she was standing in a bikini top and a thong. She didn't wait to see if he'd join her, she flounced into the water and disappeared beneath the surface for so long, Natsu was afraid she wasn't coming back up.

He stood, ready to rush in and save her, when her head popped up, out way further than before. "Cana!" If she heard him, she didn't turn back. Natsu imagined that she'd keep going forever if she could, goodbye Magnolia.

She went back under the water.

"Fuck. It's so fucking cold," Natsu complained but took off his jacket and his T-shirt and then his boots and his jeans. He left them all there on the bench and followed her into the skin-pricking water.

Cana came up for air and went under again. Natsu took a fortifying breath and then dove down with her and swam out the rest of the way. He caught her on the verge of slipping past the swim line and held her back.

"It's deeper out there," Cana complained when she was back on the surface again.

"I know." Too deep. He was having a hard enough time treading the water. "Let's just stay here. It's fucking cold."

Cana gave up without much fight and laid on her back, the water lapping at her cheeks. "Tell me more about Lucy."

That was kind of her way of apologizing, too, though Natsu knew she didn't want to talk about Lucy, she didn't really care. The things she clung to were the things Natsu thought were inconsequential. Gildarts. She wanted to know all about Gildarts and disguised her curiosity beneath a sympathetic ear. He didn't understand why she cared and anytime he broached the subject, she retreated. He let her have her privacy and talked all about Law School Lucy. If she was going to let him, he needed to purge.

* * *

It took two weeks of leaving the Bunkie and hanging out with Cana, of him sharing her vodka and her weed, of trying to contact Lucy when he was in the thick of things and failing, for Natsu to decide that he could do a late-night and clandestine swing by her monstrous stone subdivision home. He could be subtle enough that one would be the wiser. He'd done it a hundred times between the ages of fifteen and eighteen.

It was a bad idea and ended well before he could really get started, and by a surprising party—Zeref appearing on the street two over from Lucy's, a cigarette in his mouth and his hands in his pockets.

As soon as he spotted him, Natsu swung right back around, almost confident that his hood would hide his face, but Zeref knew him too well to be fooled by a piece of fabric. He could pick Natsu out of a crowd without ever seeing his face, just as Natsu could do the same.

"Natsu."

Natsu sighed and stayed where he was, not turning around for his brother but not running, either. Zeref gripped his shoulder and turned him to the north, toward a quiet street with nice Lincolns parked on curbsides. "What are you doing here?"

Zeref turned it back around on him. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"I'm just…" He tried to think of a decent lie.

Zeref didn't need him to explain. "You need to be smarter than that."

"I want to see her."

"You can't."

"But I saw her a few weeks ago."

"That was then, this is now. You can't just barge in."

Natsu voiced his real fear. "But what if something's wrong?"

Zeref waved him off. "Nothing's wrong. She's probably vacationing on some rich girl beach down south before school starts."

"How do you know?"

"I just know, okay? Come on." Natsu remained planted. Zeref pushed him a little between the shoulder blades. "Trust me. Come on. Come on. We can't stay here."

With a bit of force, he corralled Natsu in the opposite way of Lucy's home, past more sparkling cars to a road with very little streetlights. There the Dakota sat, its modified muffler spewing out pale smoke, its engine ticking away. There was a guy in the front seat, the same one that came to the apartment those weeks ago. He threw open the door and got out.

"Why are you back? Where's the car?"

"We can't do it tonight," Zeref said calmly.

"We told them they'd have it by four."

He shrugged. "Too bad."

The man shook his head. "Too bad? Do you know how much shit we'll catch for this?"

Zeref said, "Some things are more important."

"Like fucking _what?_ "

"I have to take my brother home."

"What the fuck," the man swore again. "Are you serious right now?"

"Sure am. You're welcome to go get it yourself."

"You know I can't get in like you can. I always set off the alarm."

"Then I guess it's not getting done."

More swearing.

"Either get the fuck in the truck and shut up or walk," Zeref commanded.

Natsu thought Zeref was going to get clocked. Zeref stood stoically and waited.

Grumbling, the man opened the truck door and got in. He slammed it closed behind himself, unnecessarily loud. Zeref let out his breath and his shoulders dropped just a centimeter. "Get in."

It was one of the last things Natsu wanted to do but when Zeref told you to do something, you did it. It was like his superpower.

The man had moved all the way over to the passenger's side despite getting in through the driver's. Natsu had to move a small bag of coke to sit in the middle, the stick between his legs. Zeref took the wheel and the baggie out of Natsu's hand. "August, my little brother, Natsu. Natsu, August."

August said, "The junkie."

"Don't fucking talk to him or I'll put my whole fucking hand down your throat and rip your guts up," Zeref said so, so calmly that not only was August perturbed, so was Natsu.

Zeref flipped on a dime, skewing Natsu's perception. "How's Gildarts?"

Natsu said a cautious, "Good."

"His Bunkie?" The truck started rolling forward.

"Good." He tried not to look at August from the corner of his eye but it couldn't be helped. He was staring out the window and looked… scared, to put a word to it.

Zeref got more serious. "And how have you been doing?"

"Fine."

"No Pearl?"

"No."

Zeref showed him his teeth in what was supposed to be a reassuring smile. "Good. Dragneels don't—"

"Fuck with heroin," Natsu finished.

"Right. We don't fuck with heroin."

* * *

Another two weeks scraped past. Maples got red and birches got yellow and Cana got drunker. There was still no word from Lucy, though every time his phone rang, Natsu thought of her. It was Gildarts. Always Gildarts, wondering where he'd gotten to and when he was coming back. He caught Natsu stumbling down the road drunk one night and hadn't gotten off his ass since. If that was what having a real father was like, he was almost glad his was such a piece of shit.

He avoided Gildarts and got wrecked, but he didn't touch heroin, and that's how he convinced himself that it was all okay.

He stopped by the apartment for the first time in nearly a month to raid his brother's weed stash. Zeref was home and the apartment looked better than when Natsu had left it. There was a new TV, bigger and better, and a new coffee table, too, only stained with a few cup rings.

The biggest change that Natsu could see, though, was that there were people there again. They lounged in almost every corner, smoking cigarettes or pipes, drinking, laughing, having fun, just like they used to. It was so familiar that Natsu felt a small knot of tension unwind itself. He hadn't even known he was carrying it around.

Zeref gave him what he wanted and offered up the truck, too. Natsu accepted. Zeref withheld the keys an inch from his palm, though, to ask, "Are you coming home tonight?"

"I don't know."

"It's been quiet without you."

And he was tired of Gildarts' Bunkie's four walls. "Yeah. Yeah, I can come back. Sure."

Zeref smiled and there was no lunatic waiting behind that expression, it was just him, the same brother that stuck a lifejacket on Natsu when he was four and let him float down the lake, just to see how far he'd get. Mean but not malicious.

He used the truck to pick up Cana and texted Gildarts to tell him that he was going back home for the night. Gildarts had plenty to say on the matter. Eventually, Natsu had to turn his phone off. Cana let him brood all the way to their favourite spot on the beach.

Natsu tried not to think about that stuff as waves crashed against shore and a seagull yelled. He found it on the horizon, flying over a swollen rain cloud. A storm was coming; they couldn't stay out there for much longer if they didn't want to get soaked.

"Can I just say something?" Cana's cheek was pressed into the wood of the table. Right by her lips was an unhelpful—and, in Natsu's opinion—untrue bit of advice that said, _when we start, we all have the exact same thing. Everything._

"No." Whenever Cana got that look in her eye, she wanted to give him a bit of bluntness that usually hurt like a hammer strike.

"You know I'm just going to say it anyway, right?"

"Then why ask?"

"Polite?"

He snorted. That was _not_ the word he'd use to describe Cana. "Sure. Go ahead."

"She doesn't want to talk to you."

"Shit sakes, Cana."

"Why else would she be ignoring you when she tried for so long to get a hold of you?"

"She _broke into my room_. Does that sound like a girl that doesn't want to fucking talk to me?"

"She broke in for one last fuck and left."

The thought had crossed his mind. "You don't know Lucy."

"But I know girls."

"You know girls like you."

" _Every_ girl is like me," Cana said. "When you get down to it."

_No_ girl was like her, self-destructive to the very bitter end. At least, none that Natsu knew. He brooded in silence, listening to the waves crash and thunder rumble in the distance. He smoked a cigarette and lit another off the cherry.

Cana signed dramatically. "I'm tired of this. We _have_ to do something else."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Anything."

"I don't have any cash, do you?"

"No."

"Then we sit on the fucking beach and drink shitty vodka."

Cana scratched her name into the wood. Whatever she was thinking, Natsu didn't know if he liked it. She asked, "Are you and Lucy still separated?"

"I don't fucking know."

"If you don't know then the answer is yes."

Zeref had a way of making people do whatever he wanted, Cana had a way of making them believe everything she said. She was always so sure of herself.

He glared at her. "So what?"

She sat up and put her mouth on his and for an instant, that hollow pit in his guts didn't feel so fucking hollow. She leaned back and it came back full-force. He needed to stopper it.

Cold wind picked at Natsu's clothes and the first drop of rain fell from the sky. "We're going to get soaked."

"Then let's go somewhere else."

He stood and offered her his hand. She needed it, she stumbled and almost fell into the sand. She focused on the ground after that; Natsu watched the road they had to cross to get to the parking lot opposite. It was because of that that light green caught his eye. He turned his head and recognized Brandish's short hair.

She leaned against an eighties Thunderbird and waited for a man wearing a bandanna to count out some bills. He had a hard time doing it because he kept glancing at her with doe eyes. Natsu knew love when he saw it. Brandish seemed annoyed with him and barked an order. He focused more on his money and counted properly.

When he handed it over, he tried to brush her hand with his. She wouldn't allow for it, making the exchange with practiced movements. Brandish tucked her money into her bra and a dropped a bundled up brick into his hand. Then she got into her car and left him in a plume of exhaust. The man watched her until the car was no longer visible, then for a little bit longer, too, like she'd decide to just turn around and return for him.

He finally gave up when a cruiser pulled by. He pretended to be watching the water, waiting for the cop to be out of sight, then dropped the brick into the garbage can and left.

Natsu propped Cana against the driver's door of the Dakota. "Wait here for a second."

She was drunk, not dull, and asked, "Why?"

"I just want to check something out. Stay here."

She leaned back; her hair staticed against the window and her eyes drooped closed. That was good, he felt less judged when he went through the garbage can and found what the man had thrown in there.

Heroin. An entire brick of it.

A rough voice whispered, "What is it?" Natsu jumped and turned and Cana cackled, pleased that she'd snuck up on him and had obviously scared him. He suddenly had the jitters. She asked more normally, "What is it?"

"Nothing."

"Then let's go." She was too drunk to care about the lie. She swung her arm through Natsu's and pulled him off.


	19. Chapter 19

 

(He loves me; he loves me not)

(She loves me; she loves me not)

(He loves me; she loves me not)

* * *

Natsu crushed the life out of his steering wheel while Cana laughed about something in the passenger's seat. It sounded fake. Everything sounded fake, and felt fake and just really, really bizarre. Lamps in windows looked like they'd been picked right up out of a Terry Gilliam movie, and everything was bright and sweaty and dangerous.

He rolled down his window; lake air rushed in and his T-shirt let go of his back. His brow was still soaked, though.

"Natsu?"

"Hm?"

"Are you going to take that?"

He realized he was sitting in an intersection, staring at the clear traffic lane while he tried to make a left. He depressed the gas hard enough that the backend swung. The brick tumbled out of his pocket and landed against Cana's hip. She picked it up and turned it around in her fingers.

"What's this?"

Natsu swiped it out of her hand. "Nothing."

Cana swiped it back again and opened it. Natsu corrected his course—they'd almost drove into a ditch—as the familiar and filthy smell of heroin filled the truck. It was lower quality than what Brandish usually sold and smelled heavily of vinegar.

"This is that Pearl stuff you're always smoking, isn't it?"

Natsu barked, "Don't wave it around, anyone could be watching."

Lackadaisically, Cana asked, "Are you going to smoke some?"

His chest _hurt_ and felt like someone was sitting on it.

"Natsu?"

"I don't know." It wasn't a _no_ , but that wasn't a _yes,_ either. He counted it as a win.

Cana said, "I want to try."

He tightened his hold on the leather-wrapped wheel. "You do." Of course she did.

She shrugged. "Why not? And I'd rather try with you than some creep."

He tried to put up a roadblock. "I don't have a pipe."

Cana pulled out hers. "Is this good enough?"

_Fuck._ Fuck. Fuck. "Yeah."

"Good." She started googling how to do it.

Natsu slowed the truck to a crawl when they got into his neighbourhood. His apartment still came up too fast. He put the truck in the back, hoping that when he turned back there he'd find other parked vehicles so Cana didn't feel comfortable enough to smoke there; or some of Jellal's goons. Maybe they could rough him up for trying to go see Lucy and he would have a fight he could tackle and have a chance at winning.

Cana asked, "You like the high?"

He scrubbed his palms on his pants. "It's... good."

"I just want a little."

Everyone wanted a little at first.

They did it on the tailgate so the smell didn't linger in the truck. He monitored Cana's intake, careful she didn't take too much. She passed it to him and he was faced with a decision he didn't know if he was strong enough to stand against. That pipe felt like _salvation_. Not just escape. He could stop the shakes and the paranoia and the gut-wrenching cravings and just fucking be.

The apartment's front door opened; Natsu could see a square of light coming out of the building and splashing against the darkened road. Zeref followed it so he could shove someone out. The person stumbled down the street, laughing, and going the opposite way. Zeref returned to the apartment without seeing Natsu but that was the cold splash of water he needed. He shoved the brick deep into his pocket, cleaned out Cana's pipe and sprayed them both with car air freshener. Cana was staring at the moon and didn't seem to notice until he took her by the elbow, then she came alive.

"This is…"

"Amazing," Natsu finished for her. "Let's go inside." Where he wouldn't be tempted to join her.

She leaned on him heavily and watched everything like it was her first time seeing it. Natsu had to shuffle her around to get his key in the front door and open it and when he did, he was greeted by a familiar scene. People lounged _everywhere_. _Black Dog_ was playing out of the new TV, the air was choked with smoke and the smell of beer, and Zeref reclined on the couch with Ultear on his one side, leaning into him too much for her intentions to be misconstrued. It was like getting thrown into a time loop.

Zeref untangled himself and stood. Natsu tensed, waiting for the moment he smelled heroin through the air freshener. "Who's this?"

"Cana. This is my brother, Zeref."

Zeref's eyebrow quirked. He knew better than to ask hard questions in front of people, though, and said, "You got a phone call while you were out."

"I know, I got the message." Natsu used a tone that left very little room for inquiry. He didn't _want_ to know that Gildarts was flipping out and he didn't want to know what Zeref was telling him. He just wanted to run his fucking life.

"Alright." Zeref backed off. "You want a beer, Cana?"

"Always," she said, though Natsu wasn't sure she really meant it.

"I got it." Natsu left her there and made a break for the kitchen just to say that he was _moving_. Whatever dope he'd smoked was leaving his system and he was going through a bad round of withdrawal after being so close to Cana while she smoked. He had the shakes and he was sweaty. He opened the freezer and rested his forehead against a frozen tube of concentrated fruit juice. _It's okay._ It was fine. And if it wasn't fine, he still had more.

There were _options._

Fuck. There was a bottle of whisky in the freezer; he drank straight from the neck to try to fill that _hole._ It warmed his chest and his belly and did actually take the edge off. He could breathe.

Ultear said something cutting to Zeref, Natsu could hear her over the din. He closed the freezer door and grabbed Cana's beer. He opened it for her, too, and took a huge swig before stepping out into the living room.

She still stood like a wallflower, watching everything with huge doe eyes. He took her by the hand and led her back to his room where she stared at the posters on the door and on the ceiling and on all the walls.

"You live in a movie store."

"Yeah." Natsu emptied his pocket, wallet, keys, phone, heroin. It all went on a beat up baby blue dresser and stayed there.

"How?"

"Zeref knows the owner."

Cana dropped onto his bed with her arms wide, nearly slopping her beer. Natsu took that from her hands and downed another quarter of it.

She didn't notice.

Natsu's phone started sliding over his dresser, vibrating with a call. Cana lifted her head, more in the moment, and asked, "Who keeps calling you?"

"Gildarts." Natsu stripped his hoody and threw it on the computer chair with a pile of other clothes.

"What's he want?"

"Dunno," Natsu lied. Nothing like admitting you were a recovering addict that slipped the watchful eye of the only functioning adult in your life that seemed to give a fuck because he gave too much of a fuck.

"No?"

"Probably just checking up on me," Natsu said offhandedly.

Cana slumped back onto the bed, looking like a crucifixion victim. She wasn't enjoying her high as much as she could be. He wanted her to. He wanted her to love it so when she needed to start hating it, he wasn't the only one. He wanted a lot of selfish, terrible things.

He undid his pants so they were resting on his hips and then went to her. She kissed him normally, and then she kissed him like she'd never kissed anyone before and suddenly realized how _amazing_ it was. He was wickedly jealous and at first, withheld some of the tricks that made her tick. Then she started moaning and the pettiness slipped from his head. He needed something from Cana and she needed something from him, too, and it wouldn't work unless they both gave.

The bathroom door slammed out in the hallway, Natsu heard it even though his ears were pressed into Cana's thighs and she breathed in huge, messy gulps of air. He dismissed it at first, backing up so he could put his fingers inside her. Cana arched with pleasure.

The door opened and light and noise came in. It was shut out again. Cana didn't notice, she puffed and lifted her hips, fucking herself when Natsu stopped and squinted at whoever entered. He saw her globe earrings shining in the residual streetlight and relaxed some.

Ultear pulled her V necked sweater over her head and threw it with Natsu's clothes. She did the same with everything else she wore, too, until it was just her silky black hair and her jewellery. She wore a bracelet that was cool against Natsu's cheek when she cupped his face and kissed him, and her necklace whispered on Cana's chest when she put herself between Natsu and Cana and kissed her. Natsu heard her ask,

"Is this okay?"

And he heard Cana's fevered response. The room warped; there was the whisky. Natsu moved like a person possessed, grabbing nameless legs and arms and not paying attention to much. Ultear was kneeling over Cana and she was kissing him, and then Ultear was sitting on the bed and Cana was between her knees and Natsu was behind. And then he was the one in Ultear's spot and he didn't know who was where or how much time had passed or if time was passing _at all._ There was just skin and blue Christmas light's he didn't remember turning on and breaths. So many breaths.

He pulled out of one of them and used the other's mouth when he was ready to come.

Music was ringing in his ears saying, _Not myself. I'm not myself. I'm someone else. I'm not myself. Not myself._ It took him a long time to realize that Ultear was playing something off her phone. It finished and when it finished, he got up.

There was water on his nightstand; he passed it to Cana and then started getting dressed. Ultear mimicked him. Natsu thought Cana would remain staring at Ultear like she was a goddess, but eventually, she started palming around for her clothes. She came up with her bra but not her underwear. Ultear laughed and found them for her. She helped her get into them, too. Cana kissed Ultear. Natsu tuned them out. His phone was ringing again and this time, he glanced at the screen. It was Lucy's face there, smiling up at him. His gut wrenched. It went to voicemail, and when the phone went blank, he saw that he had seven missed calls. Four of those were Gildarts, three were Lucy.

A text came through, one of many, apparently. Natsu only read the newest one. _I'm at your apartment._

"Fuck." Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. " _Fuck_."

"What is it?" Ultear asked around Cana's mouth.

Natsu scrubbed his face. "You gotta get out of here."

Ultear sidled over and leaned over his shoulder, reading his texts. "Mm. Does that mean Lucy got tired of waiting for you?"

"Clothes, Ultear." Natsu threw his phone on his dresser and helped Cana, the worst of the bunch, into the remainder of her clothes. She acted like a ragdoll, limp and loose. Natsu got on her pants, shirt, sweater, picking her up and manhandling her for most of it because he was moving too fast.

Ultear said, "What do you plan on doing with this one?"

What _was_ he going to do with her? She couldn't stay there. "Can you take her home?"

"She doesn't look like she knows where she's going."

"The Patch," Natsu said in a rush and tore open his bedroom door. Light flooded in, and cigarette smoke, and Lucy's perfume. A chasm opened in Natsu's gut when he turned back around and there was Lucy with her hand raised, ready to knock. Zeref lingered behind her, trying to distract her in a very non-Zeref like fashion.

Ultear pulled Cana and together, they slipped past Lucy. Her face was frozen for seconds that passed like hours. Zeref turned on his heel and left the way he'd come; Lucy dropped her hand like it was made of lead weight.

Natsu shoved his hand through his hair. "Do you want to go outside?"

Lucy turned on her heel and walked through the clouds of marijuana. People stared at them; Natsu pretended that they didn't. Cold air filled his lungs. He replaced it with smoke just as soon as he could, slowing to light his cigarette while Lucy stalked on ahead, the heels of her boots clopping on the broken pavement. She went to his truck without asking and threw herself against the driver's door. The entire truck wobbled beneath the force of her body; Natsu couldn't pretend that this was a hallucination, she was very, very real.

They stared at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time, Natsu smoking and Lucy crossing her arm and breathing loudly through her nose. She did that when she was trying not to cry. She got it under control before he figured out what to say, and then acted like she hadn't just caught two girls rushing from his room.

"I've been in Italy. It was supposed to be a family vacation but my uncle has some subsidiary companies there. I was able to get into some of his factories."

"We weren't just hanging out, chatting," Natsu butted in.

Lucy pretended like he hadn't spoken. "I think I was able to bribe one of the people he has working for him. We could get them to go on record and talk about all the terrible things—"

"Stop."

"You should see some of the conditions. I swear, there was a girl there that wasn't older than ten, and the stuff she was making—if it's medical-grade morphine—"

Natsu grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "Just _stop."_

" _What?"_

"Go home."

"Did you _hear_ me?" Lucy said. "I know law's not really your thing, but my dad and cousin have been covering for my uncle, and not only do they potentially have _child labourers_ , they're making _drugs,_ and I can almost guarantee that they're not legal _._ I stole some and sent it to a lab. When the results come back, we'll have them."

"It'll come back proving that nothing's out of the norm."

"You don't know that."

"I do because it's Fernandez owned." Every lab in a hundred square kilometers was.

She looked crestfallen, but sucked it all up and said, "If that's the case then I'll find something else. I know Jellal's mistress's name. She works at Macy's. She's a stripper. We can use that to our advantage."

"We don't have anything."

"Natsu—"

"Have you met your cousin, Lucy? The real Jellal, not the Jellal that comes for family dinners?"

Her lip popped out. "What do you mean?"

Suddenly, he was very scared for her, Lucy never let anything go and maybe she'd scratched the surface of her family's crookedness but he didn't think she appreciated the lengths Natsu thought they'd go to just to keep their secrets. "Just go home."

"Natsu," she started again.

He set out to really hurt her so this could just _stop_. "We're just done. It's not about the money or your dad's disapproval. You're just not what I want anymore."

"Not what you want anymore?"

"Sorry."

Her lip wobbled; it looked like she was going to hit him. "You prefer those other girls? Loke said they're both easy." She looked horrified at her tame slur; then the look dulled to one of resolve, the words were out, that was the hardest bit, and now she could say them again. "He said they'd sleep with anyone, you're not special. Not to them."

"That's kind of the point."

She gathered herself up. "You're just saying that. It's not what you want. I _know_ you, Natsu."

Natsu shook his head and turned away from her.

"Natsu! Natsu!"

Her voice chased him all the way into his apartment. He closed the door, though, and blocked her out with the music that still played from the TV. It'd changed to _Cocaine_ by Eric Clapton. Someone had broken out the powder and they were sucking it down off the coffee table.

Zeref stood from the full couch and followed Natsu into the kitchen. "She's mad?"

"She acted like nothing happened," Natsu said into the fridge. There wasn't anything to drink in there, everything had disappeared.

Zeref grabbed a cup out of the cupboard, a tall one from one family trip long, long ago to an amusement park. There was a Ninja Turtle stretched across the plastic, Raphael, Natsu's favourite when he was small.

Zeref filled it to the brim with water from the tap and handed it over, communicating silently that he needed that more than he needed more alcohol. Natsu took it and drank under his brother's scrutinizing stare.

"If you want, I'll contact my friend and—"

"Forget it."

Zeref wasn't intimidated by Natsu's foul mood. He took him by the shoulders and brought him in for a bone-crushing hug that spilled water all over the floor. He'd hugged him like this only once before, the day Natsu moved out of their parent's house and came to live with Zeref in the city.

He didn't say anything else when he released him. Natsu remained in the kitchen after Zeref left, staring at the walls and thinking. Wondering. Hoping that was enough, that he'd nipped Lucy's lost-cause digging in the bud. The only thing that came from this was trouble.


	20. Chapter 20

You only love me when I'm drunk

* * *

Days dripped by. Cana wouldn't answer her phone. He couldn't call Lucy. Erik's house was a pool of bad decisions waiting to happen, and his own was like living in tempered chaos. Zeref never hid the drugs or the deals or the plans from him. He watched Natsu _carefully,_ though. Every movement, looking for relapse.

Ultear found Natsu's heroin two weeks after the first night she'd met Cana. She lay on his bed with her feet up against the wall and her head hanging over the side, upside down, and she surveyed everything with such a practiced eye. "What's in the clock?"

Natsu looked up from his computer screen. Gildarts kept sending him college information pamphlets. He wasn't very subtle. He kept going big. EMS and Police Foundations were looking for people, apparently, for the semester that started in January. That was only three months away. "What?"

"What. Is. In. The. Clock?"

Natsu followed her eye to his dragon clock. The clock face was just _slightly_ askew. "Nothing."

"You're such a little liar." She swung her legs off the bed, as lithe as a ballerina, and snatched it off the dresser. Natsu chased after her but by the time he caught up to her back at the bed again, she had the timepiece popped out and his heroin was in her hand. Just seeing it made his guts clench and his balls shrink.

Ultear clutched it to her chest and turned around. Her eyes were wide with delight. "I thought Zeref told you not to have this anymore?"

"I don't."

"Really? You _don't_? I'm in someone else's room?"

He rolled his eyes. "Exactly. Give it back." He _needed_ it back. The only reason he'd been able to go so long without it was because it was _there_ in case he needed it.

"How did you even get this?" Ultear still held it, turning it around in her hands. "No one was supposed to sell to you. Zeref's going to be pissed."

"No, he's not, because no one sold to me and you're not going to tell him."

Ultear's eyebrow came up. "I'm not?"

"Please, Ultear." He didn't like begging her as much as she liked him begging. Her smile got wicked and she leaned in.

"What do I get?"

At this point? Anything. "What do you want?"

"Get Zeref to come to the Halloween party next week," she said.

"Zeref hates stuff like that."

"I know. Which is why I want you to convince him to do it."

"Choose something else," Natsu begged.

She inclined her body toward the exit. "There's nothing else I want."

"You're asking for something _impossible,_ " Natsu said.

"Then I guess I'm going to march into his room right now and tell him what I just found."

And she wasn't joking. "You're a bitch."

"I know."

"Fine," Natsu said after some consideration. "Fine, I'll get him to come." Begging Zeref was worth it to avoid the fallout that would come from if she did what she threatened.

Ultear smiled and thrust the brick back at him. "Good."

Natsu put it away again, carefully, handling it like he was handling a tarantula.

"How long have you had that for?" Ultear asked.

"Two weeks." He'd been counting.

"And you've kept it for so long?"

"I'm trying not to smoke it," he admitted.

Ultear rolled her eyes. "Just throw it out."

Without any other distraction, he didn't think he could, and his distraction had been dutifully avoiding him as of late. "Have you talked to Cana?"

She shrugged, infuriatingly nonchalant. "Yeah, I guess."

"Has she said anything to you?"

"About Lucy?" Ultear suggested. "Nope." She sang it.

"Why's she ignoring me, then?"

"God, Natsu. Are you hung up on her now, too?" When Ultear set out to be mean, her eyes got hard.

"She's my friend."

"That you sometimes fuck."

"So what? I do the same with you."

She wagged her finger in front of his face. "You never look at me like that."

"She's just my friend," Natsu said firmly.

Ultear threw herself back on his bed. "Whatever. What are you dressing up as for this party?"

He hadn't really thought of it. Being another person for a night sounded too good.

* * *

Gildarts stood behind Natsu with his arms crossed over his chest. He was fresh off his shift and there was a fast food burger in his hand, half-eaten. "You're not going to some bush party, are you?"

"Nope." It wouldn't be in a bush. Natsu turned left and right, trying to decide if he liked the way the uniform fit him. Gildarts was taller but they were about the same width. "Zeref's dressing up as Scarecrow from Batman and he's going to sit on the curb, scaring kids, and I'm going to give them candy."

"Sounds kind of mean."

"Fear's the best part of Halloween," Natsu told him. "And candy."

"Alright," Gildarts conceded. "Take off the nametag."

Natsu unclipped the silver _G. Clive_ pin and set it on the dresser.

Gildarts picked it up and turned it around in his fingers. He was looking serious and thoughtful. "One day, that could say _N. Dragneel."_

He may have scoffed if he wasn't thinking the same thing, dressed up like that. He pulled the collar straight. "It could, one day."

Gildarts smiled; it was a hundred-watt. "It looks good on you, kid."

Natsu then thought about the body buried in the quarry. "Yeah."

* * *

Most kids were afraid to approach the movie store. The ones that were brave enough got the life scared out of them; Zeref could be very, very still, and then very, very fast. He seeped danger, even when he was playing. Natsu placated the most scared with a smile he hadn't worn in a long time. It fit his face badly but stretched out after a few hours and almost felt natural again.

One podgy kid toed his way to the storefront, his Power Ranger's outfit baggy and too long. He kept one eye on Zeref's limp arms and covered face, and one eye on Natsu and his fake gun and the bowl of candy at his feet. "Trick or treat."

Natsu grabbed a handful of candy and plopped it in his outstretched pumpkin. "Trick."

"What?"

Zeref came alive and ran at the boy. The boy screamed and bolted the other direction; he didn't stop to look back over his shoulder or to laugh. Natsu doubled over laughing; Zeref joined him and he felt _better._ Almost good. Almost great.

Zeref took his mask off his face and lit a cigarette. "I think that one wet himself."

Natsu cackled; it was mean but Zeref was smiling almost like the boy that smiled before he left his parents' house. "I don't know if we're going to top that one."

Laughter skated around the corner. "We've got more coming." Zeref took one last haul off his cigarette then dropped it and pulled his mask on, going limp against the wall once more. Natsu schooled his features and pulled down Gildarts' aviators.

A group of girls came around the corner. They were older, nineteen, maybe, twenty. They were dressed as Ghost Busters and were bogged down by bags of candy. One of them started to swing that way, but another grabbed her arm and held her back. "We should keep going."

Natsu got hung up on her voice. He had to take off his sunglasses to see her clearly but there was no mistaking that wheat-coloured hair. Lucy locked eyes with him and he felt her dig in. She looked dangerous next to Levy and two other girls he didn't know. She stood apart, determined and hardened. That was not the Lucy Heartfilia he left sitting on his tailgate. This Lucy was thinking crazy, perilous things.

She looked away and kept walking, hips swaying, candy bag swinging, and he felt like a hole opened up inside his chest. He searched desperately for something to plug it. Zeref caught his shoulder, grounding him. He'd removed his mask. "You want to head to that party now?"

"Yeah." Anything to get out of there.

* * *

They parked the Dakota in the field belonging to an abandoned farmhouse where the party took place. Zeref turned on the overhead light and got a pipe out of the console. He packed it full of weed and then turned the light off again. A lighter _swicked, swicked,_ and the cabin filled with orange firelight. Natsu stayed in the cab, letting the smoke engulf him.

"She might be here, too." Zeref exhaled and handed the pipe over. Natsu took it.

"I know."

"You still haven't talked to her?"

"No."

"That's your choice, I guess." Natsu took too much from the pipe; his thoughts blurred. Zeref took it back from him and killed the rest. "Come on, let's go scare some adults."

"I think I might just take the truck back."

"Don't be like that."

"I'm tired."

"Fuck that. Come on, we were having fun." Zeref pushed him toward his door; Natsu pushed him back.

"Fuck off."

Natsu didn't prepare for when Zeref grabbed him and manhandled him out the driver's door. They stumbled and tumbled over the rutted ground and Natsu's adrenaline spiked. He stood and got ready to push Zeref off. Zeref got beneath him and lifted him clear off the ground in a fireman's carry. He was laughing and running and his laughter was infectious. Natsu felt it niggled _way_ down deep in his bones, obliterate the adrenaline he'd been feeling, and spark that small fire that had sputtered to life earlier that night. It was slow-burning but it caught. He started laughing, too, unhinged and manic. Possessed.

Everything warbled, sparse trees, bodies moving up and down the long driveway, pumpkins lit up from the inside, some with faces meant to make you laugh, some with ones made to make your heart beat fast. Zeref ran through them, bowling some over, leaping over others. He tried to dodge a person but ended up colliding head-on. They all went down, arms and legs everywhere, laughter everywhere, blood everywhere. Natsu's nose was gushing. He laughed even while he plugged it. Whoever they'd bumped into swore at them and fucked off.

Zeref helped him to his feet, the laughter draining out of him like water from a bathtub. "You alright?"

"I'm fine."

"You're bleeding."

"Just bumped my nose." He could already feel it starting to slow up.

"There's water in the Dakota, and shop towels," Zeref said.

"I'll be back in a minute," Natsu said and left his brother there.

It was quiet away from the driveway, everything was muted and dark. Natsu felt separate from the party, an outside observer watching people dawdle up the driveway. Some people loitered on the grass next to the gravel and scared others. Screams filled the hollow places darkness created.

Natsu dug up a bottle of water from the side compartment on the driver's door and found the shop towels beneath the passenger's seat. He soaked the thick fabric and mopped up the blood. He gently blew his nose, too. It didn't really hurt, though he couldn't tell if that was because the pot was dulling the sensation or if he really didn't hit his face very hard.

He packed another pipe in case it was the former, and put it in his pocket.

He threw the towels beside the passenger's door and closed up again. On his way back, he recognized Cana's dark hair. She had cat ears on her head and Ultear on her arm. Ultear waggled her fingers at Zeref and continued up the driveway.

Natsu looked after them for a moment before following.

Up top was much livelier. In This Moment's _Big Bad Wolf_ was coming out of the ancient, decrepit barn and Taylor Swift's _Look What You Made Me Do_ came out of the house. People danced, and laughed and screamed and threw up in the farm field and fucked wherever they pleased.

Natsu got sidetracked by Erik, who wanted to do shots. He stayed for three of them before thinking up some excuse to move on again. He spied Cana's cat ears in the thick of things. She was spinning. Mira was at her side. They went down together, right there in the middle of everything. Natsu pushed his way through the crowd to keep a closer eye on them though he did not approach, remembering the last encounter he'd had with Mira.

They were talking amicably at first, then Mira said something and Cana's expression soured. She said something back and stood. Mira reached for her hand and Cana pulled away, leaving Mira on her own looking stricken and sick. Cana had a penchant for making people feel that way. Natsu followed her through the crowd and caught her before she could get into the barn.

"Cana."

She whirled on him. The movement seemed to make her dizzy. She took his arm and steadied herself. " _Heyyy_."

The weeks of silence hung between them. Natsu didn't know what to say so he pulled out his pipe and asked, "Got a light?"

She got one out from between her breasts. Natsu took it and found a path to a part of the party that was quieter, more private, behind the barn and against the barn boards. Cana followed him like he thought she would, she couldn't resist a little bit of self-destruction. She put her hips against his without asking, and it wasn't awkward like he thought it might be after so long.

She asked, "Did you figure shit out with Lucy?"

He didn't want to think about Lucy. He didn't want to think about anything. He wanted to keep up the way he felt when Zeref was lugging him through the field, the way he felt when he was laughing, the easiness of his and Cana's interaction. He kissed her. If she was surprised, she didn't show it. She opened up and Natsu was able to stuff down any bad feeling and keep his high rolling.

Cana didn't care where they were. She pulled him in by his borrowed uniform and kissed him chaotically. Her mouth didn't quite fit on his, and everything she did was just a little bit off-kilter. She was on something more than just weed, she was removed from everything but him; he seemed to be her tether. They'd been that for each other for long enough now, Natsu fell into the role effortlessly.

He pushed her back against the building. Ancient wood sponged beneath her, bowing in and staying in with the pressure of their bodies. Cana took her shirt off; Natsu helped her with her pants. He was pulling at his own, too, when he got caught on red and blue flashing lights. They pulsed against the side of the barn in uneven synchronicity, blue, red, blue, red, blue—

"Fuck." _Fuck._ "You need to get dressed."

She wasn't listening, her eyes were still closed and her head was still back and she did nothing to cover her breasts. He grabbed her shirt and did it for her. " _Cana_."

It was too late. Gildarts stepped out of the shadow and asked, "What the fuck are you _doing_ , Natsu?"

The only thing he could think to say was, " _Fuck_."

"You can't _be_ here."

Natsu held up his pants one-handed and still held the shirt to Cana's chest. Her eyes were open now, at least. "I'm not."

"Damn right you're not," Gildarts barked. "Get the fuck out of here and wait for me back home. And if you're spotted—"

He was on his own. "Yeah."

" _Go_."

"Cana—"

Gildarts pushed him. "Would you fucking get out of here?"

He would and did, running because more police were showing up, their cruisers zipping down the driveway. People yelled and ran. Some made it, others were wrangled in by officers. Natsu raced through the farmer's field. He could see the Dakota's tail lights. The truck was running but not moving. His phone was ringing in his pocket. Natsu pulled it out as he ran; ryegrass whipped at his legs and cold October air bit at his exposed chest.

"Where _are_ you?" Zeref asked as soon as he picked up.

"I'm coming," Natsu panted.

"The cops are here, hurry up."

One was zagging his way, the light of his flashlight bobbing as he made his way through the landmine of a field. Natsu had one thing on his side—fearlessness. He didn't care if he rolled his ankle, he didn't care if he stepped on someone sleeping it off in the grass, he didn't care that it felt like he couldn't get _air._

A cop car bounced off the driveway and started following the ancient farmer's tracks through the field towards the Dakota. Natsu put on a burst of speed and leapt for the box. He was barely inside when Zeref punched the gas pedal and the truck jerked forward. Bits of grass and dirt were kicked up behind them. Natsu held onto the truck bed and tried not to think about the last body that was in there. It was hard. Though the blood was long gone, he could _feel_ it on his pants and on his hands.

_You're just tripping._ It was the darkness and the police chasing him and it was the jack-o'-lanterns silently hooting, laughing, laughing at him.

They hopped the ditch and Natsu almost bounced out of the truck. He had to hold onto the back rack to keep himself inside, and even then, it was spotty. His shoulder wrenched and his stomach leapt into his throat.

The truck made it to the road and the back tires grabbed pavement. The police car was still way back in the field, its lights illuminating a gaggle of people running in front of its hood. Natsu sank back into the box and lay there just like Wally had laid there, stiff and lifeless, staring at the stars unmoving as they passed beneath them.

The truck eventually stopped. The tailgate dropped and Zeref appeared. His eyes were wide and sober. "Are you okay?"

That was a hard question to answer. There wasn't anything physically wrong with him but he felt paralyzed. He was stuck in Wally's place, pinned not by death but by some neurosis. He could not _move._

Zeref grabbed his foot like he was going to pull him out. "Natsu?"

"I'm fine," he lied for the second time that night. Zeref helped him inside, where they turned on the news to watch the police clean up the barn party but instead watched them excavate Wally from his grave in the quarry.

Natsu was sick. Zeref was immobile, staring at the TV white-knuckled.


	21. Chapter 21

I thought that love was a kind of emptiness

* * *

Two days after Halloween, Natsu's phone rang. He jumped, it was so quiet in his house and had been since he and Zeref watched the reporter standing on the hill by that ugly fridge, surrounded by policemen and forensic teams.

His phone rang again, the noise bouncing off the bare walls. Natsu rolled over and looked at Cana's figure on screen; the picture had been taken at the beach, on one of the days it was too cold to swim but they did it anyway. She was walking away from him and the wind was twisting her hair. He liked the picture but it made him feel lonely.

The phone rang again.

"Answer that or hang it up," Zeref said from the other room. He'd been sleeping, though it was almost ten. He'd been out late these last couple nights; Natsu didn't know what he was doing and he didn't really _want_ to know, either.

He answered the phone at the last possible second. "Hey."

"Hey, Natsu." Cana skipped over the part where he left her mostly naked behind a barn when the police were there and asked him to drive her to Gildarts'. He'd hired her to do work on his bike. Natsu immediately said yes; anything was better than staring at those fake stars, thinking about how the police found the body and if they were going to find _something_ to bring them to their door.

It wasn't very exciting to sit in Gildarts' driveway and watch Cana work. She liked to do it in silence, but Natsu had _never_ been quiet and now when he was so anxious was _not_ the time to start. "Did the cops pick you up the other night?"

"No. A guy I know pulled me out of there," Cana said vaguely. "You?"

Natsu told her, "Zeref was waiting for me in the Dakota. We booked it across the farm field. Sorry," he added. "For leaving you there. I should have taken you with me, I don't know what I was thinking."

Her eyes darted his way and there was an expression on her face he didn't think he could misinterpret. Affection came and went like a gust of wind. She asked, "What happened with you and Lucy?"

Natsu lit a cigarette and took an extra long pull off of it, thinking about the sensation he had when he opened the door and there was Lucy, looking in. "Nothing."

"Nothing?"

He said quickly, "She asked who you were, I told her, then she went to stay at her dad's like she was supposed to."

Cana turned from him and put her attention back on the bike, tightening the cover plating. Natsu felt panic cinching down on him again and lit a joint, the last of his weed. Cana looked over her shoulder so he handed it to her. She took it but asked,

"Changing it up?"

Natsu heard himself say, "Trying to go easy. I told Gildarts I would."

She exhaled. "Was he mad at you the other night?"

Natsu thought about the agitation that rolled off of him as he leaned over him and said, _you can't_ be _here_. He hadn't had the balls to talk to him since. "He was pretty pissed. Especially after I told him I'd stay out of trouble."

Cana set aside her ratchet. "Why does he care?"

"Crusader, I guess." Natsu finished his joint and stamped it out on the dying grass. "Thinks he can save everyone." And no one made it easy.

Cana turned from him and started the bike. It cranked over with a roar and hid her anger. She dusted her hands. "There."

"You're pretty good, eh?"

"I get by."

"Zeref knows a guy that runs a garage," Natsu said. "I could ask him to see if they're hiring." It was a chop shop after hours but he could ask Zeref to put her on their more legitimate side of business. Keep her employed and out of trouble.

Cana took a long time answering. Natsu lit up another cigarette as his phone buzzed. He picked it up and there was Lucy in a white and green dress, smiling as she leaned against a tree. He loved the satin choker she wore in that picture, the one with star stitched into the material front and center.

Cana took his phone from his hand and put it face down on the motorcycle's seat. "Maybe ask him to look into it." She turned back around and positioned herself between his legs.

Natsu sensed the shift and the distraction Cana was offering and touched her thighs. "Sure." Cana lowered into his lap and his phone stopped buzzing.

* * *

It was hard to say what it was _exactly_ that drove girls like Cana away. It could have been sitting together in the Bunkie, Gildarts' TV spitting out Coraline, Cana between his legs and a bowl of popcorn between hers. It could have been Gildarts coming in and seeing the casual pose. It could have been something completely unrelated, Natsu didn't _know_. All he did know was that he asked Zeref about the garage and for days after, Cana ignored his calls.

It was frustrating being on the other end of ghosting.

He gave her space and focused on other things. He'd never been tidy but he cleaned the Bunkie, and when that was done, he went home and cleaned his own house. The dishes and the living room and even his own room. Someone had slept in his bed and left a condom wrapper in the sheets. He didn't dare ask who, just washed his sheets with bleach and made his bed again.

To keep his mind off the quarry (so far, thanks to the news, he knew the police didn't have much evidence) he did an odd job for a cranky old woman named Porlyusica, cutting up wood and stacking it for her for the winter; Gildarts put him in contact with her. When he was done that, he did her neighbour's. The money he made he gave directly to Zeref, who in turn gave it directly to their mother, who called looking for money again to pay their mortgage. She didn't say as much but Natsu had a feeling they spent what money they _did_ have on Christmas presents. Or at the casino. It was hard to say. Both were well within their wheelhouse.

Ultear appeared in his room again late one night in mid-November. She was in red. She always wore red near the Christmas time. She flopped on his bed and pulled him down with her. He kissed her neck and her shoulder where her tunic dress would stretch. He expected her to reciprocate. The best Ultear did was tell him, "Lucy asked me to fuck her." She said it simultaneously like she was confessing and trying to drive a knife in his gut.

He paused and leaned back. "What?"

"Didn't Cana tell you?" Ultear pulled her hair over to the opposite side and tilted her head so he could give her attention there, too.

"No." No, she did not. "When? _How_?"

"The better question is _why_. Why didn't Cana say something?" Ultear asked, though that wasn't the why Natsu was interested in.

"How did Lucy find you?"

"She showed up at my work."

"And propositioned you?" That wasn't like Lucy. Not at all. Lucy didn't even _like_ girls, not the way Cana or Ultear did.

She shrugged. "I guess, in a sense."

He felt irrationally angry. "What were you thinking?"

"Nothing, really."

Natsu almost didn't hear her; his ears were roaring. "How could you let this happen?"

Ultear said bluntly in that _way_ Ultear had, that drab, simplistic and cruel way, "Lucy told Cana that she wanted to know what kind of girls you liked now. I guess she thought if she was more like us, you'd ignore her less. I wanted to tell her it's _because_ we let you ignore us that you come back but I guess I was being shitty and selfish and I didn't say a thing." She said it like she was repeating something someone else said to her.

Ultear tried to pull him back down. Natsu held off. "Did you fuck her?"

"Would it make a bit of difference if I did?"

Yeah, a little. " _Did_ you?"

"I didn't do anything to her that Lucy didn't want me to do," Ultear avoided.

Natsu took her by the elbow and pulled her up off his bed. She looked surprised and disheveled when he pushed her out. Let her be.

He threw on a sweater and his tattered work boots and walked to the part of town people like him didn't frequent. It was dark by the time he arrived, so he was able to slip behind her home without being detected and climb up the lattice to her window. She was by herself, though she texted someone furiously. He wanted to know who if she was begging someone else to get some tarnish on that gold.

He tapped on her window; her head shot up and her eyes focused on him through the glass, though he knew she was seeing glare and not really him at all. She cut across the room cautiously, looking over her shoulder before opening the window.

She looked surprised and sheepish and excited all at once. "Hey."

Natsu recycled the same question he'd used on Ultear. "What were you _thinking_?"

Lucy tried to play ignorant. "About what?"

"Why did you go to Cana's? She has enough going on without dealing with my shit, too."

It was like sparking a lighter over kindling. Lucy's cheeks went immediately red. "I'm shit now?"

"That's not what I said."

It was too late to do any kind of damage control. She was embarrassed and mad. "She didn't have to invite me inside you know? She _chose_ to. Maybe you should be at her house, yelling at her."

Natsu made his voice a little bit quieter. "Cana has trouble saying no and Ultear is manipulative. You don't have an excuse." She was the most level girl he knew and she was acting like a lunatic. "What were you trying to accomplish?"

Lucy's eyes watered and leaked tears. "I'm trying to understand you!"

"So you fucked some girls you didn't even like, and? Did you get your enlightenment?" he poked. She cried harder and he felt terrible, not relieved at all.

"You're such a selfish asshole. I hate you." She pushed him but there was no strength behind it; he barely tottered on her sill. "I _hate_ you." He got what she was really trying to say, love and hate were almost the same emotion. "You just come in and out of my life, fuck me when you think you can get away with it, and then push me aside. Well, fuck you, Natsu. You're a—you're—" She struggled. Being mean didn't come to her naturally. "You're a bad person. You're just awful. All you want to do is fuck everything away or smoke it all away or fucking sleep it all away. It doesn't work like that." She pushed him again. He caught her wrist and held her hand.

"You're not like those girls. I don't want you to be like those girls. I want you to be like you."

She looked sober and struck and lost. "Do you really mean that?"

"Of course I do."

She leaned out her window and kissed him. She tasted like tears.

There was a noise from deep inside the house. Lucy looked suddenly scared. She pulled back and took her hand away from his and pushed him back out the window. Natsu scurried down the lattice. It was almost like they were young again. He leapt the rest of the way to the bottom, feeling the impact radiate into his knees, and hid beneath a pergola while Lucy spoke with her father, telling him some lie or another.

Smoke came to Natsu's nose. He twisted and focused on a tall silhouette with a tattoo down one side of his face. Jellal blew a line of smoke in his direction. Natsu twisted back around and went the other way without spitting out one word. Jellal didn't ask him to come back, though Natsu felt his eyes on him the entire way off the Heartfilia property and even onto the road.

He waited for retaliation, his ribs remembered Jellal's goon's kicks, his nose their punches, but he heard nothing, not from Jellal, not from Lucy, and when the hour turned into a day, and the day into a week, he started to relax.

Zeref texted him on Friday night. He was at the Fairy Tail bar and needed a drive home. Natsu was eager to break up the monotony and started the Dakota.

The bar was full, even for a Friday. He walked by a '71 Monte Carlo that was rocking on its suspension and by a group of people passing a joint back and forth.

Before he could even get inside, Fairy Tail's door burst open and Zeref stumbled out with Ultear on his arm. He saw Natsu and grinned hugely. "There he is. Everyone! This is my baby brother. This is my Natsu. He's—" Zeref stumbled over a manhole cover.

"Geez." Natsu grabbed him but was pushed away.

"No." Zeref raised his voice again, speaking to the giggling crowd. "He's better than me. He's better than you." He poked a stranger in the chest. "He's better than, you, too," he said to another. "All of you, you know?" Ultear laughed; Zeref tripped again and Natsu caught him again. He was able to pull him in this time. Zeref asked, "Right?"

"You're drunk."

"Right," Zeref said. "Hey." His voice got suddenly much quieter. "Hey. I have to tell you something. I have to. Come here."

Natsu leaned in. "What?"

Zeref's breath broke over his cheek, reeking of vodka. "I killed someone."

Just like that. Their secret hadn't been uttered beyond the safety of their own walls before and Natsu unexpectedly felt like a rat in a cage. "Let's get into the truck."

"I did it," Zeref repeated. "Not you, right?"

"Shut up."

"Say it. I did it, not you. You need to know that."

"Shut up."

" _Say_ it."

"Yes, okay, fine, you did it." Anything to get him to shut up.

Zeref said, "Don't be like me, Natsu. Gildarts has applications for you. Fill them out. Okay?"

"Come on, into the truck."

Zeref planted his feet. "Okay?"

He was _obnoxious_ when he was drunk. "Okay, okay. I'll fill them out."

"You're good." Zeref patted his chest then seemed to lose interest. He reached behind him for Ultear. "Take me home."

Ultear got back on his side and steered him away from Natsu.

"Hey," Natsu protested.

"I'll make sure he gets home," Ultear said.

He was so out of it, Natsu didn't budge. "Zeref?"

Zeref told him, "Ul said she's taking me home."

"I just came all that way to get you," Natsu griped.

"No pussy on you, though," Ultear said with a laugh that made him think she wasn't the soberer option Zeref thought she was.

"Zeref," Natsu said again, "Come on."

Zeref grabbed Natsu up for a tight, fierce hug. He tapped his cheek hard. "I'm fine." And then they were wandering off. Natsu was watching them go when the door to the Monte Carlo opened and Cana tumbled out. Natsu supposed he should have expected it but it surprised him all the same.

She bounced listlessly for a moment, a buoy in a turbulent sea, then fished her phone out of her pocket and dialed a number. Natsu tried not to listen to her phone call but it was hard once he realized she was leaving a vague message for Gildarts, of all people. She needed to speak to him but that's all he was able to garner.

She hung up her phone and started stumbling toward her bike propped up behind the bar. She wasn't in any condition to drive, but she had every intention of it, taking her keys out of her pocket and best determining how to mount the seat.

"Cana?"

Cana spun around on her heel. Her phone went one way; she went the other. Natsu caught her first, then her phone. "Whoa."

"I'm fine." She backed out of his hold. There wasn't far to go, her butt hit her motorbike. It listed then came back down, heavy enough it wouldn't just topple over.

She was not "What are you doing out here?"

"Going home, obviously."

He suggested, "Let me give you a ride."

"No, thanks."

"You're smashed." Just in case she'd forgotten.

"And what are you doing here? Drinking water?" she bit out.

"I was picking up Zeref but he hitched a ride with Ultear."

Cana's face scrunched up. "Does it bug you?"

"What?" Natsu asked warily.

"That she fucks you when Zeref turns her down but goes back to him when it seems like he'll put out."

There were no mincing words. At first, he was angry, but then he took a look at her glassy eyes and knew it wasn't really her talking. At least, not rational her. "Come on." He took the keys from her hand, figuring that was the only way to get her to move.

"Hey!" Cana followed after him. Natsu was faster, leading her to his truck and opening the passenger's door. He threw the keys inside, an old trick he'd seen Zeref do to their dad more than once. Cana went in after them and Natsu closed the door up behind her, as smoothly as that. He got in the driver's side and got the truck started. Cana told him,

"That was dirty."

"But effective."

"You're an asshole."

"That's the nicest thing I've been called today."

Cana yo-yoed, happy again. "Who's saying mean things to you?"

Natsu gladly admitted, "Lucy. She keeps doing all this crazy shit and…"

Cana said quickly, "I can't give you any advice."

Natsu's exasperation flared. "Yeah, I know your philosophy when things start to go in a direction you're uncomfortable with."

"The fuck is that supposed to mean?"

He asked with a bit of bite, "Is your phone broken? I've been trying to get a hold of you for weeks."

Cana spoke too easily. "I couldn't pay my bill so they took away my plan."

Lies. Lies. Lies. She blocked him on Facebook and Instagram, too, he'd looked. He didn't want to burn any more bridges, though, and put away his frustration. "That's shit."

Cana said, "It's good now, though." And, "Did you ask Zeref's friend about that garage?"

Natsu sighed. "Yeah. He told me to tell you to call him but I couldn't get in contact with you."

She bit her lip and her remorse was obvious. "Is the job gone?"

"I'll talk to him again in the morning."

* * *

Natsu was making pancakes when the clock struck twelve and Zeref's door finally opened. He was a fucking mess. Ultear's lips had left bruises on his skin and her fingers had made tangles in his hair. He looked at Natsu, and back at his bedroom, and shook his head, like he couldn't quite believe himself, either. Natsu let him go to the washroom and brush his teeth before peppering him with questions.

While Zeref showered, his door opened again and Ultear came out. she looked pleased with herself, which is how Natsu imagined Ultear always preferred to be. "Hey, Natsu."

"Are you staying for breakfast?"

She shook her head. "I gotta run." She didn't go anywhere, though, hesitating by the door.

"What is it?"

She pulled back her hair into a high ponytail for forced casualness. "Are you still hanging out with Cana?"

"Sometimes, yeah. Why?"

"I heard she fucked her therapist. That old dude that was always trying to get into her pants." She pressed her lips together after like she could compress the secret so it was smaller than the monster it was.

He didn't know what to say. "Why are you telling me this?"

She churned her next words over carefully. "Maybe she needs help? You're friends, right?"

"So were you, I thought."

"Cana's mad at me." She bounced right over the why and said, "So, do with that what you want. I have to go. I'll talk to you later."

He put his whisk back in the sink and Ultear closed the front door. The bathroom opened again and Zeref came out. He was in a fresh pair of jeans and that was all, his toes bare, his middle exposed. "Is she gone?"

"Yeah."

He nodded and started back to his room.

Natsu pushed thoughts of Cana temporarily out of his head. "Did you tell her?"

"About what?"

"The quarry."

Zeref paused with his hand on the door jam. "No. Why the fuck would I do that?"

Because sometimes, you just needed to confess. Ultear was a wealth of gossip and she didn't get that way because people were silent when they were with her. He couldn't rightly ask her, though. He had to focus on Cana again. "Is Cana still good to go?"

"What?"

"Remember? I asked if she could work at the shop?"

He turned his mouth to the right. "Right. That's right. Yeah. August said the job's hers if she wants it."

"In the legit shop, right?"

"Sure, Natsu."

"So I can tell her it's hers?"

"Anything you want."

There was a problem, though. Cana wasn't answering her phone or her texts. Again. He was back to being furious with her.

The day sank away and night brought with it another round of partying. Zeref had fished an ancient Christmas tree out of the dumpster down the road. It was threadbare and ugly and fit their ugly little apartment perfectly. They decorated it with peanut strings and marshmallows and Natsu threw on an ornament he'd made his mother when he was young. He texted her the image, not expecting how sad she'd sound when she called him a moment later to talk. She told him it belonged there, in their house, just like he did.

He hung up just as soon as he was able and tried not to think about it. He went to Gildarts', but didn't stay long, and not because he didn't want to. Gildarts answered the door and he was unshaven, dressed in the same uniform he'd worn to work hours before, and he reeked of rum.

He looked at Natsu with bleary eyes. "The Bunkie's open."

"I thought we could play Mario Cart."

"I'm tired, Natsu."

Gildarts started to close the door. Natsu caught it. "Are you okay?"

Gildarts looked irritated for a moment. It went away. "I just got a lot of shit on my mind, okay?"

"You want to talk about it?" He was used to playing adult with his parents, it was weird with Gildarts.

"Nah. Just go get some sleep." Gildarts closed the door on him. Natsu stared at the barrier, then back at the Bunkie. He didn't really want to hang out by himself, though, so he returned to the movie store. The party was still going. Someone was passing around a bong while they watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Natsu watched as much of it as he could until it felt too real, then he went to bed.

Sleep was fitful and sometime around five, his phone rang and brought him wide awake. He didn't have to look at the screen to know it was Lucy.

He ignored the first call.

The second one, too.

The third one made him feel uneasy. He answered and Lucy spewed anxiety in his ear. He got bits and pieces out of her. Cana. Cana was in trouble. Cana was at her house. Cana was frozen and high on something. Lucy said White China, but it was China White. Heroin. Heroin. Heroin.

"Is she breathing?"

"Yeah." And then there was a great pause as Lucy tried to substantiate her claim. "Yes. Yes, she's breathing."

That didn't mean much. Breathing could change quickly. "I'm coming over."

"You are?"

"Keep your eye on her." He hung up and started to get dressed. His door opened; Zeref was there in a pair of shorts and nothing else; he'd been sleeping.

"Where are you going?"

"Cana's in trouble."

"So where are you going?"

"She's at Lucy's."

"You can't go there."

"I have to." Natsu pulled a sweater over his head and pushed his way out past Zeref. Zeref followed him.

"Natsu!"

"I'm not going for long, I'm just going to pick her up and take her home."

"Let someone else do it," Zeref said, and Natsu responded with,

"She doesn't have anyone else." If she did, she wouldn't be at Lucy's.

"Just hang on then." Zeref disappeared into his room. Natsu's phone sang with a text, Lucy telling him that Cana was awake but sick. He ditched his brother; he was taking too long.

The roads were snowy and he had to go slow. More than once, the Dakota slipped through a red light and horns blared at him. His phone kept ringing. He glanced at it. It was always Zeref. Phone calls wouldn't work so Zeref started labouring his phone with texts. Natsu glanced at the first one that read _get home now_ , and then ignored the rest.

Lucy's driveway was empty. He didn't know about the garage but he didn't care. Cold air lashed his cheeks and hurt his lungs. His boots left tread marks in the thin snow that had blown over on her walkway.

The door burst open before he could even get to it and Cana exploded out, dressed in Lucy's clothes. They fit her badly; Lucy was fuller everywhere. Her hair was a wet tangle and her cheeks were a hectic colour of red, but aside from that, she was pale. Lucy was behind her, arms clutched over her middle and her mouth set in a scared and unsatisfied line.

"Hey," Natsu started. "You're up—"

Cana interrupted. "Take me home?" Natsu looked at Lucy standing in her doorway, trying to read her and what she thought of this whole debacle. Cana broke the moment before he could decide. "Yes or no?"

"Yeah," he said eventually. "Yeah, I'll drive you home."


	22. Chapter 22

This is love.  
This is love.  
This is

This is love in the modern day, the modern way

* * *

Johnny Cash was playing through the truck speaker, telling Natsu,

_I keep a close watch on this heart of mine_

(He did not.)

_I keep my eyes wide open all the time_

(Almost never.)

_(Because you're mine, I walk the line)_

The opposite, in fact, but Johnny Cash was old. Things were different back then when men did crazy shit for girls they _could_ take home to their beds. He let him have that one.

The song got almost all the way to the end before Natsu asked Cana, "What were you doing there?"

Cana remained looking out the window. Her breath was fogging and freezing on the glass. "I got turned around last night."

"And just happened to show up at Lucy's?" _For what purpose_? To try to hook up with her again? To try to hurt her some more? He didn't think Cana was that kind of girl but honestly, his thoughts were all over because he had _no idea_.

Cana worked fast to reassure him. "I didn't intend on it. I just met this girl, she was fucking weird. I knew she was weird but I thought… I don't know what I thought. I needed to get away from her, though, and I ended up wandering around without my coat and Lucy found me."

She tucked her hair behind her ear and Natsu saw the shiner surrounding her eye. She caught him looking and tried to hide it again. He reached over and pulled her hair back; she didn't resist that hard. It wasn't bad, really, but she looked upset about it. He let his hand drop. "Does it hurt?"

"It doesn't feel good."

Natsu put both hands on the steering wheel again so he could take a left at the lights. "What was that all about?"

"I don't know," Cana said. "She was fine and then she wasn't."

Yeah, he got that. Zeref was like that all the time. "I meant, why were you snorting China White off the bar with some crazy chick?"

"Just had a bad day."

_He_ wanted to snort his bad days away. Smoke them away. Fucking shoot them away.

He took a steadying breath.

Cana's building came into view. She sat up straight like she'd been jabbed and said, "Can you help me pick up my bike from Fairy Tail?"

"Right now?" Natsu asked. He could almost see her apartment; they were so close.

"The roads are too sloppy to drive it home," she said quickly. Something was making her uncomfortable. Natsu tried to figure out what, exactly, but couldn't spot it. He continued driving.

"Thanks a million." Cana visibly relaxed. The Eurythmics' Sweet Dreams replaced Johnny Cash.

Natsu was afraid if he let silence come between them, he'd never be able to dispel it. "I tried calling you yesterday."

She glanced his way. "I left my phone at home."

"The job is yours if you want it. Zeref's friend's waiting on an answer." She sighed and pulled one leg up to her chest, wrapping her arm around it. That was not the response he was expecting. "What's that mean?"

"That means I don't know."

Natsu repeated, "You don't know?"

She pushed her damp hair back from her cheeks. "Things are really messed up for me right now."

"So this'll be an opportunity to change that." He sounded like Gildarts and he didn't know how he felt about it. He was a hypocrite.

Cana plucked at Lucy's clothes thoughtfully, like maybe she believed his charade and thought she, too, could try something other than self-destruction once in a while. "When does he want me to start?"

"Tomorrow," Natsu said. "Seven."

"In the morning?"

"That's what time garages usually open up, right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay?"

"Yeah."

"For real, Cana, if I'm going to tell this guy you'll show up, you have to show."

"Yeah," she said with more authority. "Yes, I'll be there."

He couldn't get himself on track but getting Cana there was almost just as rewarding.

Natsu pulled up next to her bike in Fairy Tail's parking lot. They got into the back together and strapped it down. It wasn't great. A fast turn and it'd be on its side. "I'll drive slow."

Cana didn't seem to care very much. She got back into the passenger's seat and started drawing on his window; nothing great, a shark and then a dick. Both were crudely constructed.

There was a note on Cana's door when they arrived. Natsu took the liberty of reading it because he recognized Gildarts' handwriting. It was short and sweet, saying, _Call me, Cana. -Gildarts_

He was worried for her all over again. "Did you get yourself into trouble last night?"

"Someone said they were going to call the cops," Cana said, though he could tell it was unrelated. When the cops wanted you, they didn't leave personal notes on your door.

"Last night when I went by his place, Gildarts was smashed and you're usually fucked up but you've been acting like it's Armageddon. What's going on?"

"Nothing." Cana opened her door and entered her apartment with authority. Natsu followed her.

"Bullshit, nothing. Did something happen?" He thought of Ultear and though he didn't _want_ to say it, he asked, "Like what happened with that therapist?"

Cana reeled on him. "God. _No_. What the fuck is wrong with you and where did you even hear that from?"

Ultear wouldn't appreciate a namedrop, even if she was trying to help Cana. He lied. "Small town." Cana threw her stuff down on the table and would have stormed away but Natsu caught her arm. "If that's not it then talk to me, Cana, tell me what's going on."

Cana looked at him. _Looked,_ really looked, and whatever she saw in his face made her eyes well up and her throat close; she could only make a strangled noise. She tried to turn away from him; he took her by the shoulders and brought her right back in. She hardly resisted after that, sobbing herself hoarse. He got her to the couch and eventually, her tears turned into something manageable.

There was a crinkled tissue in his pocket; he handed it over and prodded again, "Tell me what happened."

The truth spilled out of her like water gushing from a cistern. Cana's sudden interest in Gildarts Clive made sense, though it was hard to believe that _Gildarts_ was the cause of her angst, and harder to believe that the wife he thought could not get pregnant had done just that days before leaving.

That was why it seemed like Cana sometimes hated him, Natsu. And that was at least part of the reason why one of her favourite things to do was ignore his calls. She was jealous of their relationship.

He could only say, "Wow," at the end of it all.

Cana said, "He hates me."

"He probably doesn't hate you." He didn't think Gildarts really hated _anyone_.

"You didn't see him just walk out yesterday."

Natsu reasoned, "Why would he leave you that note then?"

"Probably to tell me that I'm eighteen and not his problem and to fuck off."

"Gildarts isn't like that." Not Gildarts who was going out of his way to look up colleges and programs and opening up his Bunkie to fucked up kids with fucked up families who couldn't help but keep fucking up. Gildarts was _good._

Cana didn't know that, though. She hadn't had the chance.

Natsu took his boots off and sat back on the couch, bringing Cana along, too. He flipped on Teletoon Retro because that's what _sober_ Natsu, the old Natsu, liked to do when everything was a bit too heavy.

The Jetsons were playing. Cana watched the screen with a blank expression. They didn't speak and eventually, her eyelids got heavy and she fell asleep against his side. Natsu kept watching and watching, trying to remember the person he was before all of this, before the beatings and the bodies and the drugs. He used to know himself.

Someone tapped on the door, and again. Natsu tried to think of a way to get up without disturbing Cana, but it was too late, her eyes were open and she was slowly catching up with the world. He got out from beneath her; his arm was numb and tingly. He used his other hand to open the door.

Gildarts was there, still unshaven but it looked like he'd brushed his hair before pulling it all back in a low horsetail. It was snowing again, there was white powder all over his shoulders and on the tips of his boots.

"Hey, Natsu," Gildarts said in a subdued voice. He only had eyes for Cana, though. He said, "Careful in the storm. Text me when you get home."

That was for the best. Natsu came back to the couch and grabbed his boots. "I'll talk to you later, Cana."

Cana wasn't in a place to answer. Natsu closed the door behind himself. Cold winter air swept his hair back from his forehead and cut through his sweater. The Dakota took a few minutes to warm up; he was pulling into his parking lot by the time the air was anything other than cold. His apartment was better. Warm air chased the chill from his skin. He dropped the keys on the table. The bathroom door opened and Zeref stepped into the living room. Natsu expected him to look furious but Zeref looked strained.

Natsu led with, "I'm fine," because he hadn't even checked his phone since he picked up Cana, not to text Zeref that he was okay, and not to check his missed calls.

"You should have listened to me."

He went for flippant. "No one was even there. I brought Cana home and that was that. But I've got a crazy story for you. You're not going to believe it. Gildarts is her dad and—"

"Natsu." Zeref was totally serious. The kind of serious he was when he told Natsu he was leaving their parents' house. Natsu's story felt to the wayside.

"What?"

"The police were here."

Natsu felt his stomach fill with cement. "Why?"

"They wanted to ask some questions. They said someone gave them an anonymous tip; they said they saw us putting something body-like in the Dakota around the time that guy went missing."

Natsu got black spots in his vision. He took in a deep breath and tried to think. _Think. Think_. Law School Lucy would say… "Is that all?"

"Isn't that enough?"

"That's a loose thread."

"But it's a fucking thread," Zeref said.

"They can't prove anything."

"Not yet."

"Not ever. They don't have anything."

"But they're _looking_." Zeref's jaw was vice-tight.

"Should we leave town?" Natsu asked.

"If we split, they'll think we're guilty."

"We _are_ guilty."

" _I'm_ guilty," he corrected. _"_ If we want to keep up appearances, we have to stay and act like nothing's different."

They were _both_ guilty but Zeref was _never_ in a listening mood. "What if they come back?"

Zeref's knuckles got tight. "I'll take care of it."

"How?" The last time he took care of something, a man died.

Zeref shoved his hands through his hair. "Just leave it for now. If anyone comes to talk to you, tell them you were out that night."

"I was. I was at Mom and Dad's."

"Good. Good." Zeref's thoughts visibly churned. "Mom will cover for you. Dad probably doesn't even remember."

"What about you?"

Zeref got quiet. "I'll figure it out."

"How?" Natsu repeated. He felt like he was small again and everything was spiraling hopelessly out of control.

"I just will." Zeref changed the subject abruptly. "Did you eat?"

"No."

"There's cinnamon toast."

He couldn't eat, though, couldn't even think about it. "No, thanks."

Zeref looked supremely disappointed, like taking care of Natsu provided some kind of control he didn't understand. "What are you doing then?"

"Going back to bed," Natsu said after a moment. It wasn't that early anymore, eleven, but he'd had barely any sleep and he felt fuzzy.

"Did you look at any more of those applications Gildarts gave you?"

Natsu leaned against his door jam. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No."

Of course not. Natsu strived to put it into perspective for him. "We're talking about alibis, Zeref, for the body we buried together, and you're wondering if I'm applying to Police Foundations?"

"There were other packages," Zeref said. "You like helping people so much. There were EMS and social worker and—"

Natsu waved his hand at him and tried to disappear into his room.

"Natsu." Zeref's voice was like a live wire, delivering a shock to his system. Natsu turned back around and Zeref said, "You promised me you'd apply."

He didn't think Zeref was sober enough to remember. "That was just something I said to get you in the truck."

"A promise is a promise," Zeref maintained.

A promise _was_ a promise. He heaved a huge sigh. "If we don't both end up in jail, I'll look at them."

"Good."

Natsu inched away. Zeref didn't call him back so he closed his door, locking himself in his room without the lights on. With the curtains drawn, he thought he'd be able to fool himself into going back to sleep but he was anxious and anxious Natsu was a sleepless Natsu.

He heard Zeref moving around in the living room, cleaning, and then he heard the front door open and close. The apartment was deadly still after that.

Now that he was alone without any other sound to distract him, Natsu thought about the living room and the blood he's mopped up. (Was it good enough?) He thought about the evidence he'd flushed away, (was it gone?) and the feeling of the thicker-than-water fluid on his fingers, (nothing felt like blood did) making his skin slippery and filling his nose with the smell of iron (he'd never forget.).

The walls felt like they were closing down around him. He was claustrophobic. He couldn't breathe.

He had to get out of there.

He dressed haphazardly, getting into jeans and just a sweater. He put on his boots without socks and broke into the cold.

Snow crunched beneath his feet and the air made icy pricks in his lungs. He breathed shallowly and walked quickly, past the movie store and the low-income houses, past the mansion monasteries on the opposite side of the road, past where the sidewalk stopped and pedestrians needed to take their chances on the side of the road with all the cars flying down Lake Drive though the speed limit was posted forty and the roads were slippery.

Natsu walked past a woman walking her shepherd. The dog wagged its tail at Natsu and its tongue lolled out. He was glad at least one of them was having a good time. His thoughts were all over the place, thinking about Cana and Gildarts, and about Wally, and about Zeref and always Lucy; there was very little room for smiles. He tried one anyway. It wasn't really _his_ smile, but it was _something_.

He was alone again. Two cars passed him, one BMW, one Cadillac. Both were familiar. He touched his phone in his pocket, wondering if Lucy would text him or if she was even _in_ those cars.

His phone vibrated in his hand. He took it out; it wasn't Lucy but Zeref. _There's money in my room. In the piggy bank_. It was ridiculous to think that _Zeref_ kept a piggy bank. Natsu had known his brother for his entire life and he still was astounded by the juxtaposition.

Natsu wrote, _So what?_

And Zeref replied, _It's yours._

Natsu stared at those words. _Yours._ His fingers hovered over the keys. Finally, he decided to ask, _Why would it be mine?_ And, _how much money?_

Zeref's only response was, _Stay out of trouble._

_Why would I need to stay out of trouble?_

Three minutes passed; it felt like an eternity. Natsu called him. It went straight to voicemail. _HELLO_.

Nothing.

He was pulling up Ultear's number to call her when a smear of white distracted him. A van was slowing down beside him, almost to a crawl. Slush splashed up from its tires and soaked into Natsu's work boots.

"Motherfucker," he swore and took a step back. The van's door slid open on rusty rollers and two sets of hands popped out. They grabbed him by the shoulders and _yanked._ Natsu was too surprised to thrash. He hit the bottom of the van and the wind was temporarily knocked out of him. He gasped and pushed back bodies; men with masks over their faces, absurd ones, like Porky Pig and Donald Duck. Donald smiled but it was like a ghost was looking out at him, his eyes were so lifeless and dark.

Natsu pushed up on his elbows; his mouth was open to say _something_ ; he didn't know what. He didn't get a word in edgewise. His head was clubbed with a short beating stick, the kind a person would use on a fish, and his vision went dark.


	23. Chapter 23

Love enough and you'll run out of breath

Love enough and you'll be nothing that's left

Love enough. Love enough. Love enough and you'll love to death.

* * *

Falling out onto broken bits of concrete brought Natsu around. His jeans split and his knees bled. There was a mean pounding between his temples that made his vision bleary, though a second of blinking had him focusing. He was in a… factory? Maybe? A garage? He smelled oil and he smelled grease and dust. There was a huge winch over his head, suspended on the ceiling by a rusty chain that dipped down between fluorescent lights, making him think it was for heavy equipment. There were tools on the walls, things he didn't have names for. Huge metallic things that looked well-used and ill-loved. They were rusty and crooked on their hooks.

Natsu started to get up. His snatchers grabbed him by the elbows again and started dragging him over the ground. The toes of his boots dragged and the leather rubbed off more. He twisted to the right; his body would only move slowly at first, and it wasn't near enough to break their hold. He twisted to the left; Donald Duck had lost the facemask, Natsu recognized those hard black eyes, though he did not know the face they belonged to.

"Who are you?" Natsu could barely get the words out, they sounded thick and misshapen.

The man glanced down; he had a very angular face. His jaw was like knife blades. And he was voiceless or at least unwilling to speak. Natsu turned his head to address the other man, the one that had worn Porky Pig's mask. He was huge. Barrel-like and almost just as lifeless as the other man.

"Where _are_ we?" His voice was stronger that time. It still didn't get him a response, not from them nor from the driver of the van, who had climbed from the driver's seat and followed behind them, expressionless and nameless, too.

Natsu squirmed. And squirmed and _finally,_ he squirmed enough that their fingers slipped and he hit the ground. At first, all he could do was lie on his stomach, tasting concrete. Then he was yanked up by his arms again and went with the momentum. He lifted his knee and hit dead-eyes in the gut. He wished there was more _force_ behind it. He wished when, after the man recovered (amazingly quick. That was a man used to being beaten, regardless of how hard he was hit) he was able to stop himself from getting thrown towards a set of industrial drains. He wished when he tripped and landed on the ground, he didn't _know_ that he was putting his hand into dried blood. He wished that when he looked up, he didn't _know_ he was looking down the barrel of a gun.

The hammer went down and the solid _clunk_ it made draped a stillness over him he was unfamiliar with. He could only breathe in raggedly and listen to the noise wheeze out of the pinprick in throat had become.

A door squealed open and the heels of expensive shoes _cracked_ across the concrete. Natsu's kidnappers looked up. Their expressions were near-dead but he thought he saw surprise. The gun lowered.

"Mister Fernandez," the thick one spoke in a voice like bubbly tar.

"Tor. Ezel. And Goumon." Jellal paused on the last one and rapped his fingers against his leg. "Your presence isn't necessary. Natsu's suffered enough, he doesn't need to be tortured. You may leave."

"We have our orders," said dead-eyes. _Ezel,_ Natsu thought, though he wasn't _sure._

Goumon didn't question Jellal, though, he bowed just slightly and left them. His steps made his belly and the rolls on his back sway. A door opened at the far end of the building; Goumon went out and weak daylight washed in. It was almost sunset.

Jellal came to stand directly in front of Natsu and looked down his long, thin nose at him. His expression was very difficult to read; it must have been a requirement to be part of the Heartfilia-Fernandez enterprise.

"What's going on?" Natsu demanded.

"You're in the vanishing place," Jellal said with theatrical flair. "This is where enemies of Heartfilia and Fernandez go to die."

Natsu's guts tangled up. "You can't do that."

Jellal took out a gun from a holster Natsu couldn't see, tucked beneath the suit jacket he wore. His gold cross winked in the overhead light when he lifted the gun and pulled back the slider, making it _snick._ "I think you're confusing _can't_ and _shouldn't._ "

He was right.

"You can go, boss, Tor and me've got this," said Ezel.

"This is a family matter," Jellal responded. "Lucy insists Natsu's family, so family should take care of family, right?" His gun zeroed in on Natsu. Everyone waited with baited breath. Jellal's hands were steady. Steady, steady. He was familiar with this kind of work. He maybe even liked it.

Natsu looked into the hole in the front of the gun, that deep black pit, that void of nothingness. He thought he'd stare at it forever. Then Jellal lifted his gun and in a smooth motion, pulled the trigger twice. Warmth blasted over Natsu's face and chest. One body fell, the other. Natsu stared at dead Ezel and dead Tor, stuck in a trance. Jellal wiped a speck of blood from his face.

Natsu said, "You killed them."

"My uncle sent them to kill _you_." Jellal put his gun back in his holster. "The polite thing would be to say, _thank you, Mister Fernandez._ " Expressionlessness turned to smarminess. Natsu didn't like Jellal. He didn't like his mood swings or his apathy or his coldness. "Or should it be Jellal?" Jellal wondered mostly to himself. "I guess it would be appropriate to call me Jellal. You may."

"Why did you do that?" The words fell out like rocks from his mouth and tumbled across the floor, limp and lifeless as Tor and Ezel.

Jellal nudged Ezel's foot and repeated, "Family takes care of family. It's kind of a mess but frankly, I promised Lucy _and_ Uncle Jude I'd take care of this. It turns out I like her better than Uncle Jude so… I used my discretion. Lucky you, huh?"

He said it like Natsu was supposed to laugh. Natsu did _not._ How could he? There was _blood_ sliding down his face. He swiped some away before it could get to his mouth. Jellal handed him a handkerchief. Natsu used the silky fabric to mop up the thickest stuff. He couldn't look at it. He'd just think about Wally and Zeref and—

Jellal said, "You'll need to lay low for a day or so while I finish stuff up with my uncle."

Natsu was tugged out of the centre of the spiral and dropped on the side, where he was still in danger of falling in but was a little more grounded. "Are you going to kill him?"

Jellal snorted. "Imagine what little Lucy would do if she knew her cousin murdered her father. I'd still like us to spend Christmas and Easter together."

"What are you going to do, then?"

"No one can hurt you like your family can," he said only. "Get cleaned up. There's a washroom in the back. I'll take you back home."

Natsu got up like he was a character in a video game, thoughtless, doing what he was told because he couldn't spend forever on the floor of a heavy machinery mechanic shop.

There was a filthy lime-green bathroom at the back of the building. The overhead light was fluorescent and buzzed when he turned it on. There were spreads of naked girls taped to the walls. Busty blondes and redheads and brunettes. Some with tattoos, some totally clean and tanned. There were a filthy mirror, a sink and a toilet.

Natsu stripped off his sweater and left it on the floor beside the sink, then he turned on the cold water all the way and splashed it over his face and through his hair. The bottom of the sink went pink, and then the water ran clear.

He started to shiver and didn't think it was the cold water dripping down his back. He used toilet paper to dry with, there was nothing else and dropped the used chunks into the toilet. He flushed them. When he returned, Jellal stepped out of an office with a leather jacket in hand. He passed it off to Natsu so he could cover his bare chest. He handed him a black hood, too.

"You can't know where we are."

Natsu looked at the hood and then at Jellal and he decided that he didn't really want to know, anyway. He put the fabric on. It smelled like someone else's sweat. Jellal took him by the shoulder and led him in another direction. Natsu heard a door open and then cold air rushed around him. It was snowing, he could feel the flakes hit his hands and melt.

Another door opened and Jellal pushed him into the back of a car. There was another person in there. Natsu recognized Acnologia's cologne. He put his arm around Natsu's shoulder like they _were_ family, just like Jellal said. "It's important my niece does not know what's transpired here today. We've made a deal, her and I. I will clean up my factories and I will make her father _silenzio,_ and she will stop trying to ruin me. It would break her heart to know what happened, and if you spoke out of turn, we'd have to do something about you, too. _Capisci_?"

He already had a skeleton in his closet, what was two more? He pulled on his lessons from Lucy and told her uncle, " _Capisco_."

Acnologia patted his shoulder. "Good. Drive, Jellal."

The car jerked forward. Natsu felt sick; he couldn't tell if it was motion sickness or if it was secrets.

The hood didn't come off his head until they were at the movie store; the drive, if Natsu had to guess, was approximately fifteen minutes. He couldn't say which way he came from or where exactly he'd been, though he did know when Acnologia reached across him and opened the passenger's door, he was more than ready to get out. He dropped the hood on the floor of the car.

Acnologia asked, "Will you come for dinner next Saturday?" Like it was a _normal_ thing to do.

Natsu felt like there was only one correct answer and said, "Yes." Skipping town felt really good right then, though. Disappearing into the night and never coming back to Magnolia again.

Magnolia was where Lucy was, though.

He knew he'd never leave.

Not for real.

Jellal commented from the front seat, "Remember what I said."

Not a word to Lucy. "Yeah." Natsu agreed at first just to agree but when he imagined expressing to her what exactly happened at the garage, he couldn't get around the semantics. Three men were about to kill him. One left, and two died. Just like that.

"What will happen to them? The men you killed?"

While Acnologia studied Natsu, Jellal said, "We'll take care of it. Like we'll take care of your involvement in Wally's unfortunate end. Zeref will get a good deal, too, solitary and a second-degree murder charge coupled with insanity. He'll be treated well."

Of course. Of course that's what Zeref was doing. He was taking the fall. His thoughts were cotton candy splashed with water, wet and disintegrating. All he could say was, "Wally was there for me."

"Yeah."

"Because of you."

"Water under the bridge. We're family now."

 _Unless you think we're not_ went unspoken. Natsu got the message, though, Jellal's fingers cinching on the wheel and Acnologia's subtly aggressive body language spoke volumes.

"We'll see each other on Saturday," Jellal said. "And remember—"

"Lucy doesn't get to know." He thought he loved her too much to spill anyway; he was sure someone would say _not enough_. "Her father won't be hurt?"

"We'll do things in the Modern Way," Jellal assured him.

Natsu practically spilled out of the car. As soon as the door was closed, Jellal started driving away. When the car's bumper was spinning around a corner, a police cruiser slowed in front of the building and Gildarts rolled down the window.

"I need you to come with me, Natsu."

Natsu opened the door without any fuss. Gildarts didn't comment on that, not to Natsu, not to the police officers that interviewed him. He went with Zeref's story. He was at his parents that night. His mother covered for him, just like Zeref said she would. They were both professional liars. His father went with what his mother said because family always took care of family. When he was able to see Zeref sitting in his holding cell, waiting for processing, Natsu couldn't say _anything_. There was a baseball-sized lump in his throat and he felt like he was choking to death.

* * *

An entire day passed. Twenty-four hours spent in strained silence, broken once when Gildarts came by with Rosie. He left, though. He had a dinner date with Cana that he couldn't miss. Angel stopped by, too. She was curious. Sickly curious, the way people are when they see a car crash and bodies on gurneys. She touched his hand like they were much closer than they were.

"I hope he'll come home soon."

"Not likely." Gildarts explained it to him, though most of what was said went in and out of his ears. Ten to twenty-five years in prison, at least, if Zeref's lawyer couldn't prove that he was so diseased or defective in mind at the time that he didn't know wrong from right. If insanity flew, then he'd be put in a mental institution.

Gildarts made it seem like the latter was the better choice. Natsu wasn't so sure.

Angel touched his wrist, and then his arm; she pulled him in and hugged him around the shoulders. "I'm sorry, Natsu." He didn't really remember the feel of her body, not like she seemed to remember his. She squeezed him tight like she belonged there.

Looking over her shoulder at an Alice Cooper poster, Natsu heard himself saying, "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything," she gushed.

"Why did you do it that night? After Zeref and I fought."

Angel pulled back so she could see his eyes. "What do you mean?"

"If things were bad with you and Zeref, taking me home wasn't going to fix it. Were you trying to make him mad?"

"Your brother isn't really the jealous type," Angel said after some consideration. "I knew that before."

"Then why?"

She smiled and it was mean-edged. "Because Ultear was."

He kicked her out afterwards. She went with very little argument, disappearing into a snowstorm. Ultear showed up moments later. They drank whatever was left of the whisky in the freezer. He told her he lied to the police. He also told her about Lucy's family. Not about the bodies but about Lucy's deal. She filed it away, helping him keep the secret when it was too heavy for him to hold. Ultear was good like that.

She stayed for two entire hours, watching cartoons with him and drinking the bottle dry before saying, "I have a family thing, so I have to run. Can you go to Cana's?"

"Nah." She had a lot of garbage going on in her life.

"Erik's?" Natsu shook his head. He couldn't be at Erik's. There were too many drugs there on a regular basis. Ultear popped out her lip. "You shouldn't be alone. Maybe call your mom or something?"

"Maybe."

"And maybe I'll come by after anyway," Ultear offered.

"If you want."

In a very un-Ultear like fashion, she hugged him around the shoulders before she left; it felt less fake than Angel's

Then it was just him and the flicking TV. Natsu watched The Nightmare Before Christmas. Jack was singing _Jack's Lament_. He stared at the TV until his eyes got fuzzy and started to close then turned it off. The apartment was eerily quiet. The kind of quiet that slipped through graveyards on winter nights. No summer sounds—crickets, birds, raccoons—no people, just the sound of the wind whispering through the unsealed windows and his own breathing.

He hated it.

He picked up his phone and called his parents as Ultear suggested. The first time it rang its way to voicemail. The second time, he swore the receiver was lifted and left on the counter so no more calls could come through.

With nothing else to do and feeling restless, Natsu drifted to Zeref's room and looked around. There was the piggy bank, sitting on his dresser and looking like a criminal with his banded eyes. It looked stuffed to Natsu, though it was porcelain and its belly couldn't expand. He tore open the bottom and found the largest roll of cash he'd ever seen. He threw it at the wall and it exploded, green and brown money flying everywhere.

He checked his phone to see if his mother called.

Nothing.

And so he went to bed. He was so tired, he actually slept in fits and spurts. Every time he started to dream, though, the dead danced before his eyes. He came awake and eyed the dragon clock, dreaming of the heroin he knew to be inside. That happened three times; the third time, he took Ultear's advice and grabbed it out.

It couldn't flush down the toilet, it was too large for that, but it fit very well in the garbage bin out back, and tomorrow was garbage day. The temptation would be gone. It hit the sidewall on its way in and dinged loudly. Natsu turned his back on it and used long, quick steps to get back inside. There was a person at the front door, blocking his way. Her hair was too light to be Ultear's. He got closer. Lucy looked small and cold, her cheeks red and her eyes glassy.

She looked him over head-to-foot and he realized he was out there without shoes. His toes were going numb. She reached out her hand and without a word between them took him inside. She closed and locked the door and left her coat on the empty couch. Clothing shushed as she walked; she was in some kind of polyester pants. Those stayed on when she got into his bed. She pulled him down with her and Natsu lay on his side.

Lucy said her first words. "Sorry I didn't come sooner."

"Where were you?" Because it wasn't really okay.

"My dad got arrested." She said it like a confession, though she wasn't the guilty party. "He was doing bad things."

Natsu dug his nails into his palms. "Yeah." Lucy's hand was cold on his cheek; her lips were warm by comparison. Everyone was doing bad things. They didn't have to be the only thing he ever did, though. "Will you be here tomorrow?" he asked on a whim.

Lucy sat up some; her eyes reflected back the light in the sky, the stars. "If you want me to be."

Always. "Will you help me go through some school packages? And the websites." They were confusing.

"Yes," she said immediately, followed by, "You want to go back to school?"

Natsu shrugged noncommittally. "Maybe." It seemed like _a lot_ but he did promise and the only thing he could do for Zeref then was keep promises.

Her smile was soft. She didn't say anything to scare him away from the idea, encouragement or otherwise. She kissed the corner of his mouth and he turned so he could kiss her fully. It tasted like sadness and hurt. Eventually, he liked to think that it would taste like _better._ He'd think about that when he sat through his family dinner this Saturday, looking at Jellal using his killer's hands to cut up his food, and at his new uncle, if he was truly family now, who said very little but conveyed a whole lot with just a measure of his pale eyes.

Lucy sat up and took off her shirt; her skin was smooth beneath. She leaned in and made him touch her. It had been a while since he'd taken his time like this but his fingers remembered her body. He skimmed her waist and the undersides of her breasts through the material of her bra and he thought he could do it. He could pretend for her family. Because love made everything better and love made everything worse. Love, love was a curse.


End file.
